Hello *may trigger*

I started masturbating when I was 8 or so to innocent fantasies of my peers. When I was around 12 or so I started watching violent porn, and still do to this day, at the age of 18. There is something about a woman being degraded and forced to submission that arouses me. Also around the same time I started acting out weird power trips on some of my pets. As with the porn, I enjoy seeing fear and pain in the animals eyes. These "outbursts" happen every 6 months or so. Recently, I experienced sex for the first time. It was consensual. She gave me head, without much arousal (No teeth, damnit!). In the end , I found that I could not get aroused unless I heard her squeal in pain. After a mild spanking , I finally got off. I was not very attracted to her in the first place, and was really only after the sexual experience. Generally, I am a nice guy. I try to be good to people/animals around me. Yet I have these sadistic tendencies? When I was younger I would keep myself bottled up, not develop relationships with my peers in fear that when given the chance I would humiliate them and force myself upon them. Became a sort of brick wall to any girl that tried to get to know me, I would not let myself get close to them. Now I really want to get to know some of these people, but with all the times I blew them off in the past what am I to do? When meeting this girl I had the sexual experience with, I experimented with dominance. Telling her to do things not necessarily sexual, sometimes sexual. i.e. I had her take pictures of herself mostly naked, send them; I then had her stand in front of the mirror every night and look at her naked body ( she was overweight). She understood this last request and also went through with the first one. I told her that she needs to constantly work to improve , she accepted the advice and liked the help in her efforts of dieting/working out. She liked to be dominated , to a point. This is a really ######6 convoluted post, and I want to apologize for that. I am just wondering how these violent fantasies have tarnished almost every aspect of my life. Any thoughts..