Depths of Despair

Ok, firstly I must apologise for the sheer length of this message, but I have been viewing this forum for months now, and made a couple of posts too. There is a lot I want to share with you. I don't expect answers, but I know that you are a supportive bunch of people. I feel I need this support in these very dark times and would appreciate your honest views.

I'm not coping at all and feel suicidal, like I do most days. Today is particularly bad as I have been triggered by the Ian Watkins child sex abuse case in the UK. People have, of course, been shocked, horrified and disgusted by this case. Why then do I feel nothing? Why am I am having all sorts of distorted thoughts? I can't connect and relate to sexual abuse and the effects it has on victims.

I clearly have very little empathy and I'm a sick, wretched individual. Earlier on I was crying my eyes out and shouting in a rage about the #######5 man that I am. Ten years ago I'm pretty sure I raped my ex-girlfriend (she was my ex at the time and she came to visit me at university). I didn't physically force her into having sex with me, but I'd been angling for sex all weekend and we both got pretty drunk one night and I made a move on her. We had sex and the following morning she asked me if we had had sex. I think that says all you need to know.

I feel so much guilt for what happened and I want to be punished. She has never called me up on the incident since but I know I did wrong. I have tried to apologise to her through messages on Facebook; she didn't reply either time and blocked me on the second occasion. Every girl I have ever been out with I have hurt and there are a couple of further incidents where I feel I was 'pushy' and I'm not convinced that the women in the situations wanted to go all the way.

On top of that, I met a 16 y/o girl at a gig when I was 23 and we stayed in touch for a few months. Nothing ever happened between us except some close physical contact (me standing behind her, arms around her) at another gig and we went on a date where nothing inappropriate happened. When I worked at a 6th Form college, I kind of fell for an 18 y/o student (I was 26). We used to talk on the phone a bit and exchange text messages, but beyond me saying she had nice hair, nothing happened. She was a 'favourite' of mine I suppose and I know I was pretty unprofessional. Needless to say, I regret all of the above.

So I guess it was always somewhat inevitable that I would turn out to be a paedophile. I was clearly always going to turn out perverted and a potential sex offender. Every kid in secondary school thought I was weird, I had poor social/interpersonal skills and at 16 I ended up in a child and adolescent ward. I was having obsessive and distressing thoughts about my sexuality - I thought/feared I was gay. I felt a lot better after being discharged, but since then I have lived a life I am ashamed of: drugs, academic failure, letting friends down, hurting girlfriends, unemployment and no career and major intimacy issues. I am, quite simply, a pathetic loser.

I first started to think I was a paedophile when I was 21 (I'm now 30). I became obsessed with teenage girls, in that I would become panic-stricken and scared if I saw one that was attractive. This was a pretty scary period that waxed and waned for a few years. I was still able to hold down a job and live a fairly normal, functional life. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I think something deep changed within me.

During the early years of my paedo anxieties I thought it was bad for adults to have sex with children and was on the same page as most other people. I still had some morality residing in me, I think, even if was an ass hole in many other ways. However, for the past 3 years I have been experiencing what people would probably describe as cognitive distortions/rationalising thoughts about sexual abuse. I no longer think it is bad to commit such acts against children and it's almost as if I don't understand the implications of the abuse anymore. I keep ruminating over why it would be bad for the child and asking many questions about it all in my head, such as "how would I behave in front of this child?" or "would I be appropriate?". I never reach an answer.

This all plays out in my head every day. I am currently unemployed, living at home with my parents and socially isolated. I hate going out in public because I will inevitably see girls (from a young age upwards) and worry how I will feel when I see them and if I will act in an 'odd' way. I hate watching TV for the same reason, and I get so many weird thoughts about paedophilia. It often infiltrates my dreams.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist for a year now, and she sees the paedophilia concern as important but only a part of the picture. I find this difficult to accept as the issue has, and continues to, drive me to insanity and the brink of suicide. She feels that my upbringing has had some bearing on my plight, in that I was a mollycoddled third child, only son, who has had pretty much everything done for him. She has said several times that I was 'overloved'. She feels that this has affected my development. I am inclined to agree as I feel like an overgrown, angsty teenager who is so disconnected from the adult world and those that live in it. I guess it's possible that my development is 'arrested'.

Although I've technically not committed any crime, I feel a lot of shame in relation to the stuff I have written about above and that I am destined to be a sad, lonely, hated sex offender. I often wonder where it all went wrong. What happened to any nice, kind and empathic parts of my being? Suicide really does seem the only viable option right now, as it has done for too long now.

Sorry for this mega-post and thanks for reading.

I don't buy that you've got no empathy, or are wretched, and I think you need to let go of your guilt for that drunken shag with that girlfriend ten years ago. You were both grown ups. Just because she was too drunk to remember it, that doesn't make you a rapist. If she was unconscious, that would be a different story.

Go with where your psychotherapist wants to go with the mollycoddling thing. We're all born with the same brains, but it's an observable fact that youngest children who get 'over-loved' compared with their older siblings often have behavioural and emotional problems, and aren't as readily empathetic.

If you were as bad as you think you are, then you wouldn't feel so guilty. I believe you've got a lot of confusion, and a lot of crossed wires, but I think there's a good person inside of you that you can bring to the fore with the right help.

ForeverAfraid wrote:Ok, firstly I must apologise for the sheer length of this message, but I have been viewing this forum for months now, and made a couple of posts too. There is a lot I want to share with you. I don't expect answers, but I know that you are a supportive bunch of people. I feel I need this support in these very dark times and would appreciate your honest views.

I'm not coping at all and feel suicidal, like I do most days. Today is particularly bad as I have been triggered by the Ian Watkins child sex abuse case in the UK. People have, of course, been shocked, horrified and disgusted by this case. Why then do I feel nothing? Why am I am having all sorts of distorted thoughts? I can't connect and relate to sexual abuse and the effects it has on victims.

I clearly have very little empathy and I'm a sick, wretched individual. Earlier on I was crying my eyes out and shouting in a rage about the #######5 man that I am. Ten years ago I'm pretty sure I raped my ex-girlfriend (she was my ex at the time and she came to visit me at university). I didn't physically force her into having sex with me, but I'd been angling for sex all weekend and we both got pretty drunk one night and I made a move on her. We had sex and the following morning she asked me if we had had sex. I think that says all you need to know.

I feel so much guilt for what happened and I want to be punished. She has never called me up on the incident since but I know I did wrong. I have tried to apologise to her through messages on Facebook; she didn't reply either time and blocked me on the second occasion. Every girl I have ever been out with I have hurt and there are a couple of further incidents where I feel I was 'pushy' and I'm not convinced that the women in the situations wanted to go all the way.

On top of that, I met a 16 y/o girl at a gig when I was 23 and we stayed in touch for a few months. Nothing ever happened between us except some close physical contact (me standing behind her, arms around her) at another gig and we went on a date where nothing inappropriate happened. When I worked at a 6th Form college, I kind of fell for an 18 y/o student (I was 26). We used to talk on the phone a bit and exchange text messages, but beyond me saying she had nice hair, nothing happened. She was a 'favourite' of mine I suppose and I know I was pretty unprofessional. Needless to say, I regret all of the above.

So I guess it was always somewhat inevitable that I would turn out to be a paedophile. I was clearly always going to turn out perverted and a potential sex offender. Every kid in secondary school thought I was weird, I had poor social/interpersonal skills and at 16 I ended up in a child and adolescent ward. I was having obsessive and distressing thoughts about my sexuality - I thought/feared I was gay. I felt a lot better after being discharged, but since then I have lived a life I am ashamed of: drugs, academic failure, letting friends down, hurting girlfriends, unemployment and no career and major intimacy issues. I am, quite simply, a pathetic loser.

I first started to think I was a paedophile when I was 21 (I'm now 30). I became obsessed with teenage girls, in that I would become panic-stricken and scared if I saw one that was attractive. This was a pretty scary period that waxed and waned for a few years. I was still able to hold down a job and live a fairly normal, functional life. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I think something deep changed within me.

During the early years of my paedo anxieties I thought it was bad for adults to have sex with children and was on the same page as most other people. I still had some morality residing in me, I think, even if was an ass hole in many other ways. However, for the past 3 years I have been experiencing what people would probably describe as cognitive distortions/rationalising thoughts about sexual abuse. I no longer think it is bad to commit such acts against children and it's almost as if I don't understand the implications of the abuse anymore. I keep ruminating over why it would be bad for the child and asking many questions about it all in my head, such as "how would I behave in front of this child?" or "would I be appropriate?". I never reach an answer.

This all plays out in my head every day. I am currently unemployed, living at home with my parents and socially isolated. I hate going out in public because I will inevitably see girls (from a young age upwards) and worry how I will feel when I see them and if I will act in an 'odd' way. I hate watching TV for the same reason, and I get so many weird thoughts about paedophilia. It often infiltrates my dreams.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist for a year now, and she sees the paedophilia concern as important but only a part of the picture. I find this difficult to accept as the issue has, and continues to, drive me to insanity and the brink of suicide. She feels that my upbringing has had some bearing on my plight, in that I was a mollycoddled third child, only son, who has had pretty much everything done for him. She has said several times that I was 'overloved'. She feels that this has affected my development. I am inclined to agree as I feel like an overgrown, angsty teenager who is so disconnected from the adult world and those that live in it. I guess it's possible that my development is 'arrested'.

Although I've technically not committed any crime, I feel a lot of shame in relation to the stuff I have written about above and that I am destined to be a sad, lonely, hated sex offender. I often wonder where it all went wrong. What happened to any nice, kind and empathic parts of my being? Suicide really does seem the only viable option right now, as it has done for too long now.

Sorry for this mega-post and thanks for reading.

The fact that you feel guilty signals that you likely aren't a sociopath (at least I don't think so, I am not a psychologist). The guilt you are feeling that prevents you from even leaving your home is probably not characteristic of somebody who is cold or detached. It seems like maybe something else is going on here like your therapist suggests. If you can't even leave your home, I think there is definitely some other mental health problems going on here. Maybe you aren't even a pedophile, but are just obsessive compulsive about the possibility that you are?

I think you need to try to move on from your past experiences. You are clearly pretty literate and can write well, you have enough intelligence to be able to get a job most likely and move out of your parents house. You just need to take the steps to do so.

Thank you both so much for your responses. I know there was a lot for you to read there, so I really do appreciate it. I think it's safe to say that there are other mental health issues working alongside my sexual stuff, and I most definitely need to work towards building some kind of life for myself.

Thanks again.

I'm at work so I have to make this short, but I just read over your post and have to agree with the others. You seem to hold a lot of unnecessary guilt over past mistakes which don't seem at all as serious as you're making them out to be. It sounds more like you may have a case of OCD over your own sexuality. As far as pedophilia, I'd say you can relax about that. Liking teenagers doesn't make you a pedophile. Pedophiles like prepubescent children, and most adult males are attracted to teenagers on some level whether they admit it or not.

My advice would be to maybe see a therapist who can help you sort out your feelings on why you don't seem able to forgive yourself for things which in reality are probably quite minuscule. If you have OCD over your sexuality, it might be helpful to talk about that with someone too.