What even am I?

Hey DavidThomas69. I'm gay too and also have been attracted to younger boys from around 13-17 and up to 24, though I feel being attracted to young boys has become more of an issue for me as I've gotten older (I'm 27 now). Maybe sharing my story and involvement in all this will help you out a bit.

I first started looking up porn of guys when I was around 17, but I always liked the ones who were closer to my age, so twink porn always did it for me. For some reason or other one day, I got curious about sexual development and wanted to see how younger guys look naked because I never saw anyone naked as a young teenager, so I went on a file-sharing network and found some pictures of 13 year-old boys. So I was satisfied with that, but I didn't turn into an addict, at least not yet. I was 18 when I came out, so I was more attracted to guys my own age, but also some in high school because most of my friends at the time were high schoolers and we'd hang out and smoke weed and do stupid stuff. A lot had been friends with my first boyfriend (he was 16 when we went out, I was 18). That probably wasn't the best idea for me because I was the oldest in the group, but the way I saw it, I was living the life I never got to experience in high school.

One of the problems with having underage friends is also that depending on your own maturity level, you don't really notice your age so much. I see that as a natural thing though when you get out of high school and start going into young adult mode, sometimes your friendships merge and become this weird thing that isn't so age-restricted, but that's where the danger lies if you end up attracted to anyone in the younger range. I learned that the hard way after I had messed around with one of my friends when he was 15 and I was 19, so regardless of the fact he was consenting, it was kinda illegal. Of course that was before I knew the law. We're still friends now. I kinda see age of consent in the same way as you do though. I don't personally agree with all of the law, but it's not a line I ever want to cross because the paranoia just thinking of what could happen isn't a comforting thought.

As I've grown up though and through all the questionable porn I've seen and younger friends I've associated with over the years at various points, I believe I've really more or less screwed myself up to some degree with the porn and fantasies. I don't think it was even so much sexual in the end stages as much as I loved the thrill of seeing something taboo. But I still am messed up, because being 27 and having such a specific standard and basically wanting skinny guys with very little body hair who look super-young doesn't help your chances of finding someone, especially not when you're gay and pushing 30 lol.

I don't know if all the porn and nudist pictures is what changed my attractions and expectations or not, because I know during my teen years I didn't really know who I was yet. As a result, there were a lot of choices I regretted not making, chances not having taken, and I've fantasized about those situations for YEARS and still continue to wonder about them.

I'm not an incestuous person either, but I remember when I was 13 I wanted to do things with my cousin and a friend or two I was attracted to. And I think that's part of what spurred my curiosity as a teenager. I never saw other guys naked, and I really had no one to do anything with or any idea of how to talk to someone about just messing around sexually. But I've always been the shy guy too afraid to talk, so porn has been my thing. I can relate to feelings of attraction for younger guys being stronger too, and it's more of a voyeuristic thing for me as well. I don't go around fantasizing of having sex with them as much as I fantasize about watching them with each other, lol.

I've never actively pursued anything pertaining to my attractions, and like you, I don't see myself as a danger to other people because my head's on straight and I genuinely love and care for people and want to help them. But left to myself, with a computer and all the porn (legal or otherwise)? It could get bad, and in fact it did today only because I caught myself looking at things for over an hour and I'm like okay, it's probably time to stop.

All of this is kinda funny though, because in real life, I can't stand younger teenagers (at least not straight ones) because of how obnoxious some of the guys can be, so I've come to see it as chiefly a taboo fantasy and mostly a lust thing. Some of them can be very attractive to me, but at the end of the day, it's similar to my experiences with past boyfriends. Yeah they're gorgeous, but they can also be incredibly annoying lol.

As for reading erotica, I don't see any harm in that. Just be aware that it can contain a lot of odd or interesting scenarios sometimes which are meant to get your sexual thoughts flowing, so you might not be into incest per se, just the fantasy of it and the idea of experiencing the situation from the main character's perspective.

Hope that helps somewhat. I feel if you're not a danger to anyone or yourself, you shouldn't worry. Try cutting down on the porn and erotica though, because it can really change how you see things in real life and affect what you're attracted to, or at least the level at which you're attracted to various things. But try going without it next time you're horny and see if you can handle it. Learn to work with just your mind and see if it helps.

DavidThomas69 wrote:Thanks for the feedback. Perhaps I should clear up a few things.
In terms of the porn, I understand your concern that perhaps it could get more out of hand (I can't say I'm not concerned myself) but I am now at a stage that it is one of the few things that really gets me going. The erotica that is, so we're clear. And I'm not so sure I can just roll things back to a total vanilla experience. At least with the fiction, no one is actually being exploited. I know that sounds like I'm trying to justify it but I think it's an important distinction.
In regard to what I said of 14 year olds, I should clear this up. I'm from a country where the age of consent is 16 and as such, sex amongst people aged 14 is common knowledge and for the most part accepted. Amongst their peers of course. When I say I don't think there is anything wrong with me being willing to have sex with them, I mean that with the assumption that the person would be both physically and emotionally developed enough to be able to give consent. Even though it wouldn't technically be legal, it's my personal opinion that it should count. That's what I mean when I say there's nothing wrong with it, not that it's ok to have sex with all of the 14 year olds.

Perhaps a lack of opportunity for any proper relationship with someone my own age is a contributing factor to why I am developing these feelings. As a way to excite myself. My preference is totally that of my peers. The only real reason I'm into younger dudes (below 16) is because of the taboo of it. When it comes to actual relationships, I can only see myself with my peers (16-22). Yet pornography of 18 year olds is boring now.

I just wish I could under where these feelings for younger people come from and what on earth the incest thing is all about.

It's because it's taboo, and like I've said, you've got to be wary of the need for this stimuli to escalate. It's all to easy to desensitise yourself, and find yourself seeking stronger and stronger material like a drug addict.

I've never talked about this before on this forum, but I'm going to tell you about what porn did to me about 6 or 7 years ago, and why I won't go near it now.

There's a lot I've never actually liked about porn, but the availability of it online made it very difficult to resist looking at pictures of people I find attractive. I started by looking at sites that specialised in MILFs and BBWs, and before I knew it, I was looking at women who weren't actually my type simply because they were doing things that excited me.

Between 2004 and 2007, I gradually lost the ability to have sex with my girlfriend. It was very distressing, but I didn't make the connection to porn at the time. I wasn't a heavy user, only 3 or 4 times a week, but I was watching women I wasn't attracted to, doing things that absolutely repulsed me because it was the only way to get myself excited.

I couldn't get it up for a real, beautiful woman in my bed beside me, but I could for women I wouldn't touch with a bargepole in real life, doing things that I wouldn't dream of doing in a million years. Looking back, I don't know why the penny didn't drop sooner.

I'd desensitised myself, and it got to the stage when even the stuff I was looking at couldn't get me going. I had a choice, either find something stronger, or get away from it and hope I can get back to normal.

I did get back to normal, thank God, and it didn't take long. It's frightening to think what I'd have ended up looking at if I hadn't put the brakes on.

Of all the things I've written on this forum, that's the thing I'm most ashamed of. It makes me feel sick to the stomach now.

Just look where you're going, okay?

@Graveyard76 I can totally relate to pretty much everything in that post, although I haven't had any problems with performance. It's only that I'm becoming increasingly bored of vanilla porn. Not real life, same age group peers. Although, I don't have sex all that often haha! maybe it's a problem which could develop. The only thing I find bizarre is that if all I'm seeking is taboo, why are there some things (some of which perfectly legal despite being taboo) that still don't get me off. That I can't get into. The fact that with incest and young boys I could easily get off to that taboo is concerning surely?

@revolutionex I can relate to your issues with living the life you never had in high school. I wonder if that may be part of the reason I'm attracted to boys in that age range - I never got to have a relationship with one at the time when it would have been appropriate to do so. And as such have idolized that kind of image?
I also totally get how you feel younger guys can be annoying. I find that with many people who are merely three years younger than me already! haha. Not to mention the sexual partners I've had... Hot but wow some of them were dense. As for the age group of my friends. It has changed over time but has mostly been either half a little younger, half a little older, or almost all of them a year of two older than me. I never really seem to have many friends exactly my age. I know differentiating a few years may not seem like such a big gap but when you're a teenager, as little as 12 months can be a massive age difference. People mature and change so fast at that age.
The bit you said about the weird relationships that happen as you go into young adult mood is something that I also totally understand. It's even further complicated for me as, unlike most other gay men, I identify mostly WITH men. I'm about as useless talking with woman as a heterosexual male, except I don't have the sexual motivation to get past my difficulties talking to them! Although there are exceptions. Long story short, what ends up happening is I have almost exclusively male friends and occasionally an attraction for a friend I previously wasn't sexually interested in creeps up on me. This creates some very weird relationships.
I'm glad someone agrees with me about age of consent! Not that I'm suggesting not having consent laws, I just don't think age is an accurate measure of someone's emotionally and physical development. To me there should be an exam to measure that haha! And as long you could pass it, then you could consent, regardless of age. Maybe they should do that with alcohol too come to think of it...
I wouldn't worry about not meeting someone who's your type. I have the same type, I am that type! and I still can't meet anybody! Perhaps having such a fixated view of what your type is though isn't helpful. I suppose that's how categorized porn websites train your mind.

I'd like to thank you guys for helping me with this by the way. You've been a real help. I just really need to talk to people about this and somehow I don't think my friends would understand. It's also touching to see people speak so honestly about their feelings, particularly whenever the whole of society has nothing but hatred for them.

DavidThomas69 wrote:...Maybe it's a problem which could develop. The only thing I find bizarre is that if all I'm seeking is taboo, why are there some things (some of which perfectly legal despite being taboo) that still don't get me off. That I can't get into. The fact that with incest and young boys I could easily get off to that taboo is concerning surely?

May I ask what specific imagery your referring to when you say "why are there some things that still don't get me off. That I can't get into." It's possible that it's simply a preference rather than a development of addiction. If that's the case than you'd have a similar mindset as myself.

I can go on for hours watching incest and bestiality, but get nothing out of scat and vomit imagery, for example. I don't have an addiction to pornography, despite how much I enjoy it. I don't develop any new fetishes from it, nor do I have to view it.

From a neurological perspective, I'm simply not capable of becoming addicted to anything. Biologically, in my state, it's just not possible. So perhaps Graveyard76 can elaborate on his perception of your situation a little further. I would assume that if you were addicted to pornography, that it would further develop into more and more taboo material, no matter what it may consist of. Otherwise, if your similar to my circumstances, it may appear as if your addicted, when in reality its a simple preference.

DavidThomas69 wrote:I'm glad someone agrees with me about age of consent! Not that I'm suggesting not having consent laws, I just don't think age is an accurate measure of someone's emotionally and physical development.

I agree with this as well. If anything is the least solidified in exact, lineal events with accurate predictability it's psychology and biology at an individualistic scale. Everyone is different in every degree. There is only close relations. Generalizing anything in biology, and especially psychology, is risky because of these intrinsically diverse properties. Of course, we can group certain characteristics together that are very similar, which is why we could say that most younger peoples are not fully aware of their sexuality, preferences and maturity on a biological and psychological scale. Thus it would be inappropriate to instigate a relationship with such an individual for their safety. However! That in no way rules out that it is possible for a younger person to be fully mature and aware of those properties at that age either.

DavidThomas69 wrote:@Graveyard76 I can totally relate to pretty much everything in that post, although I haven't had any problems with performance. It's only that I'm becoming increasingly bored of vanilla porn. Not real life, same age group peers. Although, I don't have sex all that often haha! maybe it's a problem which could develop. The only thing I find bizarre is that if all I'm seeking is taboo, why are there some things (some of which perfectly legal despite being taboo) that still don't get me off. That I can't get into. The fact that with incest and young boys I could easily get off to that taboo is concerning surely?

The point I was trying to make is that the progression doesn't necessarily follow a logical pattern based on what would normally float your boat, and it can lead people to dark places, where nothing else can turn them on but increasingly extreme imagery.

When it gets to that point, it's a nasty, nasty addiction. The chemicals that your brain produces when you find the right sort of images are just as addictive as hard drugs, and if your interests are in anything that may be approaching illegal imagery, then you need to be extremely careful if you see yourself close to that slope.

I'm sorry if I'm coming over over like an old mother hen, but if something I say helps you avoid grief in the future, then it's worth it.

Well, one thing that may play a role is actually that some people are born with addictive personalities or are prone to addictions. That's definitely what it was in my case, and my father and grandfather both had porn addictions (and addictions to a lot of other things) before me. I managed to break the cycle, though, and that was what it took for me to get things back on track.
So yes, maybe some people don't have problems with porn and don't get addicted, but for some other people, addiction is a very real thing.

The chemicals that your brain produces when you find the right sort of images are just as addictive as hard drugs,

He's right, and some people are born with brain chemistry that makes them very prone to these dependencies.

I can go on for hours watching incest and bestiality, but get nothing out of scat and vomit imagery

It doesn't always even need to be porn that you would normally "get something out of". Sometimes just the excitement of watching something taboo is enough to give someone an addictive high.

Everybody's different and I don't know if any of what I said is the case for DavidThomas69, since I don't know anyone's personality or histories, but I just wanted to make clear that yeah it can definitely be an addiction

skeleton-countess wrote:It doesn't always even need to be porn that you would normally "get something out of". Sometimes just the excitement of watching something taboo is enough to give someone an addictive high.

Everybody's different and I don't know if any of what I said is the case for DavidThomas69, since I don't know anyone's personality or histories, but I just wanted to make clear that yeah it can definitely be an addiction

I wasn't implying that pornography or the concept of taboo material is not addicting, just to clarify. I was mainly saying that an attraction to that imagery doesn't necessitate an addiction. Just in case it isn't, and he were to accidentally consider it to be.

@Ghost147 The type of porn I can't get off to heavily outweighs that which I can get off to. I couldn't get off to anything extreme like gore, scat, vomit, piss, $#%^, infants, older and many other way more normal categories. So that does indicate that it may be a preference rather than an addiction but given that attractions for really young guys and incest contexts (I think that defines what it is that does it for me best - the context) almost never finds it's way into real life, that would suggest that it isn't a preference. So we're back to it being a taboo thrill but if it were that, then why do all the taboos listed above not work for me?
You said you can spend forever looking at beastiality porn, you do realise that stuff is illegal right, haha? I've got off to that before as well but that was definitely just a taboo thrill rather than a preference haha. I also wish I had known it were illegal before watching it. Having any evidence of that floating about would not be good.
Interestingly, incest porn (even the real stuff) isn't illegal in almost all parts of the world. I suppose it's covered by incest intercourse laws in most places but the point is, viewing material such as that is 100% legal! Unless it'd involved a minor or was rape or something.

@Graveyard76 While I said vanilla porn was getting increasingly boring for me, it hasn't completely lost it's effect. It's not ONLY more extreme types that can do it for me. It's just that they do a better job at it. As I just said to Ghost147, I don't think it's an addiction given that the type of more extreme stuff that does it for me is quite specific, not just a GENERAL taboo thrill. Although since it doesn't really spill into real life, I don't think it's fair to call it a preference either. I don't know what they hell it is.
Addiction is an interesting topic however. No one ever talks about the importance of using porn in moderation and responsibly to avoid addiction. I suppose in that sense it's much like alcohol (or any other vice) and I suppose as such, some people will have a predisposition for porn addiction.
As for myself, I wouldn't say I don't have an addictive personality but at the same time, it's never cause me any reeeal problems before. It doesn't matter how much weed I smoked through my teenage years, I've never developed an addiction to nicotine, while with fizzy juice, I have a full blown addiction to that.

@Ghost147 To get back on the consent point, I think you totally hit the nail of the head when you said the point about generalising anything in biology or psychology being risky and totally ill representative of reality. Also in regards to most younger people not being aware of their preferences, sexuality and maturity, I think on a psychological level, the reason for this is because they simply haven't had the experiences. The way people develop these things is by trying new things. So having a relationship with someone like that isn't necessarily dangerous to them, it just isn't likely to last is all since their tastes and maturity is ever changing. Given that they're going to be a bit clueless, you'd also hope that the more experienced partner would show understanding and be supportive. What isn't helpful is when people get older and STOP trying new things and label themselves based on what they already know they like. Categorising themselves. Putting themselves into a nice little box that's easily understandable and relatable to everyone else, rather than actually discovering who they are as an INDIVIDUAL.

DavidThomas69 wrote:@Ghost147
You said you can spend forever looking at beastiality porn, you do realise that stuff is illegal right, haha? I've got off to that before as well but that was definitely just a taboo thrill rather than a preference haha. I also wish I had known it were illegal before watching it. Having any evidence of that floating about would not be good.

At work right now so I can yet respond to the rest of your comment, but just wanted to let you know that beastiality porn is legal In canada

Really? I am very surprised by that haha! I assume beastiality itself must be illegal, similar to the incest law?