little girl at the gym and awkward feeling

I go to gym twice a week, during the weekend when I finish my week in college and travel back to my hometown.
Lifting weights for me is not just a way to build more muscles and increase strength, it's a way to release the anger, stress and frustration from everyday life. The heavier the weights, the happier I am, like I'm real satisfied.
It helps me with my paraphilia too, as I transfer my aggressiveness to healthy and legal physical activity.

But...

I often see a little girl who comes to gym on Friday evening with her mother (to lose weight, not to lift weights of course lol).
And I kinda feel awkward. And the weird thing is that no I'm not attracted to her, yet I feel awkward. My question is, is it normal to for a pedophile to feel awkward around every little girl (or boy, depending on tastes, in my case it's girls), or is it meant to happen only in the presence of a particular child we find attractive?

Yesterday I was walking down the corridor of the gym, where locker rooms are as I had to take my jacket, and she was there and it was just me and her in that small part of the gym and when I passed by next to her I felt awkward...not shy, just weird, awkward. She was turning her back so she didn't see me directly. A thought ran into my mind, something like saying "hi" or something, but of course I didn't.

Is this "feeling awkward" something that normally happens?

I think I understand what you're talking about. I feel this kind of awkwardness around just about every child that I come into contact with, regardless of whether or not there is an attraction. I think that it is a conditioned, practically automatic response on my part, based upon the obsessive focus on children (and how to handle myself around them) that I've developed over the years. In my mind I have attached the two concepts of "children" and "sex" together and now it is simply impossible for me to consider one without the other being present. Given the difficulties we have living in society with our attractions and the constant tension that we can live with on a daily basis, it isn't shocking that even being around a child that I don't find attractive can lead to awkwardness and anxiety. Just my thoughts...

I feel awkward around some children. Not all.

I wouldn't worry about it, I think most paraphiles feel a little awkward in public when they encounter a situation that comes even close to what triggers their arousal.

Maybe it's like I fear being found out looking at a little girl in a sexual way, even though I wouldnt consider it always so easy to understand whether someone is looking at someone else sexually or not. In my case, I tend to be very good at hiding things I decide I should hide, plus my reputation is strong enough in my hometown to protect me from such accusations - nobody would suspect that a respected person who never gave problems to anyone is a pedophile.

ElKahn wrote:Maybe it's like I fear being found out looking at a little girl in a sexual way, even though I wouldnt consider it always so easy to understand whether someone is looking at someone else sexually or not. In my case, I tend to be very good at hiding things I decide I should hide, plus my reputation is strong enough in my hometown to protect me from such accusations - nobody would suspect that a respected person who never gave problems to anyone is a pedophile.

You are saying that it is a strange feeling to be a person walking around in public who has a sexual attraction to children and you know that you have this attraction but you wonder if anyone else knows you are feeling that way? And you are guessing that no one knows you feel this way so it remains your secret. Do you enjoy this feeling of having a secret sexuality that you hide from the world?

KevinG31 wrote:

ElKahn wrote:Maybe it's like I fear being found out looking at a little girl in a sexual way, even though I wouldnt consider it always so easy to understand whether someone is looking at someone else sexually or not. In my case, I tend to be very good at hiding things I decide I should hide, plus my reputation is strong enough in my hometown to protect me from such accusations - nobody would suspect that a respected person who never gave problems to anyone is a pedophile.

You are saying that it is a strange feeling to be a person walking around in public who has a sexual attraction to children and you know that you have this attraction but you wonder if anyone else knows you are feeling that way? And you are guessing that no one knows you feel this way so it remains your secret. Do you enjoy this feeling of having a secret sexuality that you hide from the world?

I actually yeah I like playing such games with people, like being mysterious and making people wonder what's inside my mind. It does not mean I make an effort to do so, I naturally appear as very mysterious and detached from the world, what I say I enjoy is seeing people trying to get into my mind (and fail).
I also got a thing of enjoying freaking people out, like appearing creepy at times.
I don't know why, maybe I have manipulative or sadistic tendencies I am not aware of.

Being attracted to children doesn't mean you'll find every child attractive anymore than being attracted to women means you'll find every woman attractive.

In any case, relax. Look; but don't touch, sorta like being on a diet, only in this case the punishment for breaking your diet isn't gaining a few pounds but a prison sentence.

Not much fun there. Trust me.

^^^^ Like!

I ge nervous and get butterflys in my stomach when I am around some children, being exclusive for me makes the feelings and desires very intense because when I see a child that I am attracted to my mind starts to race and the desires get intense and I am not sure how to handle it so I just leave the situation as fast as I possibly can and you would think that since I am exclusive I would be attracted to all children but that is not the case, I am only attracted to certain children that I find attractive.