Attraction to relatives?

Hi everyone,

Really glad I found this forum.

I'm a 29 year old male with an exclusive attraction to boys aged 4-13. In the past three years or so my attractions and obsessions have really begun to grow in intensity, to the point that they are now effecting and intruding upon my life (social anxiety, feelings of overwhelming shame and inadequacy around others) in very real ways.

I've been attracted to my little cousin, age 8, for several years. Today was the first day that I've seen him in six months, at my family Thanksgiving Day gathering. I forced myself to stay away from him for that long because my obsession of him simply became too overpowering. The main reason I decided to go today was so as not to isolate myself from the rest of my family. However, after today I fear that I must pay that price, because I am regretting my decision to go; as soon as he saw me today he ran up and gave me a hug, and it was as if not even two days had passed since I last saw him, let alone six months. All the old feelings and thoughts came rushing back. Needless to say I made sure that I wasn't alone with him at any point and made sure to physically keep my distance to discourage any more spontaneous tactile affection from him. In addition, I decided to leave the gathering early. I certainly don't consider myself to be an imminent threat to him but at the same time, I feel that I should not take any chances.

Looking forward to other family gatherings down the road, I'm not really sure what to do...do I continue to go and put myself through hell or pull back and distance myself from him (and by necessity, the rest of my family)? Or are there other options that I'm not thinking of? Anyone else have similar experiences? I have a therapist that I will be speaking to but I was interested in the opinions and thoughts of others who share my attractions and experiences. Thank you.

Only you yourself inside know whether you would do anything inappropriate with your cousin, if you do think you would then you do need to be careful and ensure that the situation does not arise that you could actually do anything. That does not mean you need to avoid family get together's totally but need to be careful to ensure you are not alone with the child that could tempt you I guess to do anything inappropriate.

I see nothing wrong with being a friend to a child and hugging them if they want a hug as long as it is appropriate hugging, children do often require some affection from an adult especially family members so that part is not that unusual.

I personally have never had any issues being alone with any boys throughout my lifetime, but the more I read from people who are attracted to boys the more it seems I am alone. In fact the more I read about paedophilia the more I think I am not attracted children at all and it was all in my head.

airwolffan wrote:I personally have never had any issues being alone with any boys throughout my lifetime, but the more I read from people who are attracted to boys the more it seems I am alone. In fact the more I read about paedophilia the more I think I am not attracted children at all and it was all in my head.

Just because you have strong self-control and you're a good person who would never abuse a child, it doesn't mean you're not attracted to them at all!

ElKahn wrote:

airwolffan wrote:I personally have never had any issues being alone with any boys throughout my lifetime, but the more I read from people who are attracted to boys the more it seems I am alone. In fact the more I read about paedophilia the more I think I am not attracted children at all and it was all in my head.

Just because you have strong self-control and you're a good person who would never abuse a child, it doesn't mean you're not attracted to them at all!

I'm not saying that is true for everyone but for me I think it is true, I think I have convinced myself it what I was attracted to when I was not. I do tend to believe everything I think and worry about everything and what everyone else thinks and can be very obsessive about it. I was never attracted to children when I was younger only boys my own age, it was only later on in life when I found things had changed for me as to who I found attractive, but after years of thinking I must be gay without ever being sure then finding the stuff I did I think it took me back to my teenage years and made me somehow believe that was what I really wanted and could make me happy. Since I have started putting those thoughts and ideas out of my head I rarely even think those things any more.

How do you explain that and you can't say it's just living in ignorance and bliss?

It's hard to explain how I feel but that is the best I can explain it.

airwofflan, I think you should find some inner peace and clarify things to yourself. Putting some order in our minds is a good way to feel and live better, it's just a piece of advice I'm giving you.
Of course it happens that things get stuck in our minds and it feels like we're just obsessing over something that is not present, but you should know it. We don't always know who we are, especially when it comes to sexuality, it takes time to explore it - it took me a lot of time to find out that I am a pedophile and it took a lot of introspection work.
I suggest making things clear in your own mind, you may be surprised to see things but in the end you'll feel much better, I swear.