Is this pedophilia or POCD?

Hi, i'm new on this forum, and i'd like you guys opinion on my case...
I'm 17 years old, i have a 19 year old girlfriend and i really love her(Like, really, really love her) and i'm very attracted to her sexually, i'v always been attracted to girls my age. But there's a thing in my past i can't seem to let go.
When i was 13/14/15 (something like that) I was quite addicted to porn, like, i watched it all day, and usually to normal stuff. But it escalated, and i started seeing weirder and weirder things(like bestiality, really disgusting stuff) and, in the end, pedophilia. I saw it one time, and i remember i actually looked up for it, and i was really shocked, disgusted, etc, because it was a little girl with a mature woman, but anyway i masturbated to it. It had sort of a taboo attraction to it, and the girls were around my age (13,14) so i didn't think i was making something so awful, you know? And when i was 15, 16, around that, i looked for nudist pictures of pubescents my age (13,14,15) etc, not really abnormal stuff, but i remember jerking off to a little girl one time, and i feel awful about it.
So, anyway, here's the facts:
I don't like children, i don't feel aroused looking at them in non-sexual situations and etc,
I never abused a child
I never wanted to abuse a child
I was never abused as a child
I never had a fantasy about abusing a child
I only have fantasies with girls my age, not any younger. But something disturbs me: if i was able to jerk off to pedophilic pornography, does it make me a pedophile? am i a pedophile?
(Just so you guys remember, it's like 3 years i don't see and don't wanna see any pedo stuff, really.) what do you guys think?

You're not a paedophile. You just got sucked into the downward spiral of seeking out more extreme/taboo images, which is a hazard of looking at internet porn, and a horrible trap for people with addictive personalities.

My advice to most people is to stay away from the stuff, because it really is poison. Some of it's okay, but use of porn will desensitise users after a time, and some people will addictedly go on to search out more and more extreme imagery to get the same effect.

I would have to agree with Graveyard on this one. It does indeed sound as if the only reason you ended up searching that material is solely based on your ever intensifying need to stimulate. As you said, you escalated in your search for 'weirder' or more inappropriate imagery. Which would be a very classic example of addiction.

You certainly are not a pedophile, however. To be classified as one you need to have a lust for them. more specifically before puberty, generally 11 or younger, with the absolute maximum of 13 before it would be classified as a slightly different Paraphilia titled Hebephilia, where the focus age is between 11-14 and 15-19 being that of Ephebophilia. Obviously, since you are of those ages the classification doesn't apply to you. Even then, Pedophilia can only be diagnosed on individuals as young as 16 who have a distinct attraction to prepubescents that are at least 5 years younger than they are.

I would have extreme doubts if you were to prove to be a pedophile. Just as Homosexuality or Heterosexuality, Pedophilia can be completely natural to a person, and the tendency to deviate from that natural disposition is less likely. Toleration, perhaps, but always a lust. So if you don't possess that, then you're all clear. If you are unsure, then at the very least you'd have to wait a few more years, say in your early twenties, and if then you have strong attractions to children 11 or younger, then you will finally know.

But! once again, it's extremely doubtful. Simple addiction.

Thank you guys very much, but how can i know for sure if i have a lust for them?
If i see an attractive kid, i'll think she's attractive (in a not sexual way) and will have no thoughts about them sexually, but if i saw child porn for instance i'd have pleasure from it, even if i thought it's disgusting.... My point is: a pedophile is someone who is aroused/attracted sexually to children in NON sexual, cotidian situations? Because i'm attracted to mature woman/teenagers that way, not kids. If i see a hot woman in the street, i'll be sexually attracted, but if i see a kid i'll just think it's cute and would not think about it sexually in the cotidian or fantasize about it.... So, does it mean is just pocd? can you guys awsner me please? Thanks!

GMG, what you're describing there is the addictive, drug-like effect of pornography. Things that wouldn't normally arouse you in real life, trigger certain reactions when you find them in imagery, and what happens to some people is that they find themselves being desensitised, and have to seek ever more extreme images to get that same fix.

I can't stress this enough. You need to stop looking at that kind of stuff, because it's a nasty slope that could see you land in a lot of very serious trouble.

I echo everything Graveyard has said, as someone who has been there done that and paying the price you need to stop that influence in your life before the addiction gets worse.

Hmmm, I see where you're getting at. But, I still believe that both Graveyard76's and my first posts summed it up pretty well. Nevertheless, if it would make you comfortable, we can look further in to POCD

If you have no sexual desires (or attraction) to a child in person, or any other children or preteens in any other personal situation, yet get stimulation from pornographic material, then it may simply be the actual sexual context behind the pornographic material that is turning you on, rather then the content itself. POCD isn't the most common form of OCD, and can often stem from other OCD tendencies. Are you aware if you've been diagnosed with any other OCD tendencies in the past? A person with OCD will often have their tendencies completely change from what they were before, too. For example, my fiance's OCD used to only apply to hanging objects and outdoor furniture. Both were unstable in her mind and so she couldn't handle them, or would have to constantly check on them. Her room at the time was a complete mess, papers and clothing everywhere. Now, her OCD applies to stability of every object in the house, so the house is always spotless. The outdoor furniture isnt much of a bother now.

Which means it is very possible that a previous form of your OCD could have simply transformed into this form. Assuming that you had a history of OCD in the first place. Of course, people can develop OCD later on in life as well.

Another thing to notice is whether or not your doing anything compulsively when you are experiencing an episode of sorts.

If none of that applies to you at all, then the most logical explanation is the simplest, which would be that of Graveyard76's and my original analysis.

how can i know my sexual orientation? If i was my entire life only attracted to older woman, grown woman with big boobs and sexual characteristics, does it mean i'm definitely not a pedophile? If i don't have romantic feelings torward kids, does it mean that? because i have a 19 year old girlfriend and i'm definitely attracted to her sexually, primarly i'd say..... So, It's really just POCD in sexual contexts?

It would appear that you simply have a normal, heterosexual sexual orientation. Just because you don't have romantic and/or sexual feelings towards children, yet have on one (or at the very most, few) occasion(s) been stimulated by images, does not constitute POCD. There are a plethora of other traits that you need to have in order to be diagnosed that (or any other disorder for that matter).

Which means that the likelihood of it simply being due to an extremely common, immensely apparent and almost mandatory addiction in-your-generation-as-a-male's reason to be why you have ever had such a complication in the first place, to be the true agent behind this dilemma.

so, i am a normal heterossexual male who had an addiction, and i'm not a pedophile? cause i'm attracted in real life to girls my age...