Recurrent fantasy makes me feel extremely guilty

I keep having this fantasy where I live in a very isolated house, on the mountains, and I live there with a young girl, 12 years old and I take care of her in every way possible, but it's not that she's there because she chose to or because I'm a relative or parent,in fact I'm a total stranger to her, but in my fantasy I kidnapped her, but then we developed a relationship of trust so in the fantasy she trusts me, despite me being a criminal who kidnapped her and brought her in an isolated place to live with me.
FIRST WARNING: I repeat, and underline that what I represent and do in the fantasy is TOTALLY wrong , I am not trying to say that kidnapping a child is okay and that the child won't suffer, DON'T EVEN THINK OF CONSIDERING THAT. So, please avoid any kind of "who told you that it is wrong?" questions and arguments, I won't respond, nor accept them in my thread.
I am fully aware that the fantasy discussed is sick, but it's a fantasy it's the only way to express my desires in a sort of "parallel, non-material universe" where I can think of whatever I want without harming another human being.

In the fantasy, though, I'm physically different, more like "what I would have wanted to look like", but regardless of the appearance, I know it's me, just "another me".
We also engage in sexual acts and have full sex in my fantasy, but I'm aware that it harms her, so this part is more like a rape fantasy.
The fantasy is divided into two parts: the romantic scenes where I take care of her, hug her, cuddle with her, and the rape part where I engage in sexual intercourse with her.

SECOND WARNING: Having a rape fantasy doesn't mean I have the intention to turn it into reality.

The sick part of it all, of course, is the rape part, yet I keep having this fantasy where I have sex with a minor in a very isolated house in the middle of nowhere, in my own little world where no one could see us and where the girl never grows up and it's an endless story....
What makes me sick is that I enjoy having this fantasy, not the fantasy itself.

Will it stop? How could I stop this? I know fantasies and thoughts don't harm as they are not the real stuff, but I'm afraid of fantasies too, as fantasies are expressions of desires and that would mean I actually unconsciously desire raping a little girl, wouldn't it??? Which makes me sick to my stomach and I wanna stop it now and damn, that's where depression comes again.

Try masturbating to erotica. Maybe feeding the monster will quiet it.

Feeding the monster only makes the monster want more....it doesn't work for me

With all the qualifiers and explanations I think your thing isn't the sex stuff as much as like gamblers gambling for the rush of loosing, you enduldge in these kinds of fantasies because you enjoy feeling guilty for them.

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:With all the qualifiers and explanations I think your thing isn't the sex stuff as much as like gamblers gambling for the rush of loosing, you enduldge in these kinds of fantasies because you enjoy feeling guilty for them.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I actually indulge because I get aroused and satisfied, there is no other way to live my fantasies in a healthy way. I could be a psychopath in my fantasies but I wouldn't even touch a child with a flower in real life.
But after a certain fantasy I often feel guilty and ashamed of what my mind is capable of thinking. The guilt comes from keeping these fantasies recurrent and feeling good because of them.
I dont like feeling guilty.
I hope this clarified the situation.

ElKahn wrote:Feeding the monster only makes the monster want more....it doesn't work for me

That may be why I associate sexual stimulation with frustration.

ElKahn wrote:

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:With all the qualifiers and explanations I think your thing isn't the sex stuff as much as like gamblers gambling for the rush of loosing, you enduldge in these kinds of fantasies because you enjoy feeling guilty for them.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I actually indulge because I get aroused and satisfied, there is no other way to live my fantasies in a healthy way. I could be a psychopath in my fantasies but I wouldn't even touch a child with a flower in real life.
But after a certain fantasy I often feel guilty and ashamed of what my mind is capable of thinking. The guilt comes from keeping these fantasies recurrent and feeling good because of them.
I dont like feeling guilty.
I hope this clarified the situation.

Why do you feel guilty at all? To have guilt makes it sound like you are still trying to be "normal"

I am not trying to be normal. I'm trying not to lose control of these things....