How are you feeling/coping today?

Today is a good day. Since joining the community here a few days ago, I haven't felt the urges to wander in the Darknet. I think part of the reason is that by seeing my posts on this forum reminds me of my condition, and that I indeed have a disorder. It's like I've finally admitted that I have a problem. It's like a mirror that reveals my ugly, dark, and shameful sides.

Visiting here makes it harder for me to pretend that I don't have a disorder. This is a big deal for me.

The family is struggling. I need to be more than illegaly employed and making meager earnings. I think my paraphilias are the least of my concern at the moment. Paedophilia costs no money to deal with so to hell with it. I'm more concerned about survival than my feelings at the moment. Or, maybe I just don't care that much about my paraphilias. Perhaps both.

Winter is definitely the prettier season. It's also a bit of a time warp too. Almost everyone swaps their weird new car with a dacia 1310 or some other old car.

Like the sun coming out and the sky clearing after a long storm, I suddenly find myself in a really good place mentally, where I can think with absolute clarity, and everything just seems... clear!

The time on the boat has been really beneficial. Getting away from certain people in my life, and their games... meeting people who are more on my wave length. I feel I've found my place in this world at last. I used to have to get away to the mountains to feel as de-stressed as this, so it's a big thing for me to be where I am and feel so well.

Today, I'm going to visit my first ever 'dead friend', the 19 year old girl in the cemetery across the road from where I lived at the age of ten. She was killed by a German bomb in WWII, and every year for the last four or five years, I've brought her one of those big poppies mounted on a wooden cross. It's becoming an annual ritual, and I'd like to believe that somewhere, somehow, she's aware of my little efforts. It means something to me anyway.

Siamese Fever wrote:The family is struggling. I need to be more than illegaly employed and making meager earnings. I think my paraphilias are the least of my concern at the moment. Paedophilia costs no money to deal with so to hell with it. I'm more concerned about survival than my feelings at the moment. Or, maybe I just don't care that much about my paraphilias. Perhaps both.

Winter is definitely the prettier season. It's also a bit of a time warp too. Almost everyone swaps their weird new car with a dacia 1310 or some other old car.

Sorry to hear your winter is also off to a crappy start. The crop haul this year was bad, really bad. If I was still able to be a pothead, maybe I would not be so worried. The pot haul was so much better than the veggie haul. We had frost until june here, so the growing season was so short. At least I got lucky and killed a moose this year, that will at least allievate the hunger lol. Maybe I get lucky and find someone to trade meat for veggies.

-- Sun Nov 15, 2015 12:27 am --

Graveyard76 wrote:Like the sun coming out and the sky clearing after a long storm, I suddenly find myself in a really good place mentally, where I can think with absolute clarity, and everything just seems... clear!

The time on the boat has been really beneficial. Getting away from certain people in my life, and their games... meeting people who are more on my wave length. I feel I've found my place in this world at last. I used to have to get away to the mountains to feel as de-stressed as this, so it's a big thing for me to be where I am and feel so well.

Today, I'm going to visit my first ever 'dead friend', the 19 year old girl in the cemetery across the road from where I lived at the age of ten. She was killed by a German bomb in WWII, and every year for the last four or five years, I've brought her one of those big poppies mounted on a wooden cross. It's becoming an annual ritual, and I'd like to believe that somewhere, somehow, she's aware of my little efforts. It means something to me anyway.

Sorry for your loss, violence is $#%^. My first ever dead friends were a different sort of violence, A drunk mowed them over in his pickup truck, they were just walking down the road. I think the hardest two on me was when my cousin died of a brain tumor when she was 7, and my friend who killed himself when he was 19. My grandma's death was pretty hard too, but she was 94 years old, she got to live a full life. Met great grand kids and all that.

manbehindthemask wrote:Sorry to hear your winter is also off to a crappy start. The crop haul this year was bad, really bad. If I was still able to be a pothead, maybe I would not be so worried. The pot haul was so much better than the veggie haul. We had frost until june here, so the growing season was so short. At least I got lucky and killed a moose this year, that will at least allievate the hunger lol. Maybe I get lucky and find someone to trade meat for veggies.

Da, it was the same here. Our garden yielded pathetic veggies.

The apples were okay though.

For years, my urges never bothered me. Recent days, they're testing me again. Though I'm spiritually and emotionally sound, I deal with them by writing songs, it confuses me why they're even coming back at all. I've gone 4 years without a single urge and now um, let's just say I've been writing a lot of songs these days...sighs

Regular day of mine. I had to play the actor on stage again and feign my emotions, laugh about absurd things just because those around me do so in order to not attract attention. People are sometimes mysteries to me, it's like reading an old book with almost completely vanished text. I just don't get it.

Graveyard76 wrote:Anyone who could have heard me think out loud a few days ago would have thought I had that multiple personality thing, as I was holding a debate in my head between the absurd side of me that thinks a relationship with a dead person is a good idea, and a stubbornly rational, frank talking character that I made up just to have it out with myself!

You seem like an interesting person to me, I believe we all could learn a lot from each other. Odd questions, but are you rather attracted to fresh bodies or already highly decomposed ones? Besides that, do you have any kind of violent urges towards people?

Acquirai wrote:You seem like an interesting person to me, I believe we all could learn a lot from each other. Odd questions, but are you rather attracted to fresh bodies or already highly decomposed ones? Besides that, do you have any kind of violent urges towards people?

I don't like 'meaty' fresh or decomposing bodies. I'm attracted to skeletons or mummified/desiccated ladies - preferably from the late 1800s or early 1900s, for some reason that I'm yet to fully understand.

Do I have any kind of violent urges towards people? Not really. No more than the average person, and probably a lot less, although I did lose my rag a bit with a particularly rude and abrasive twat in the pub a few days ago, but that's very unusual for me. I don't have an aggressive or malicious personality, and I certainly don't mean anybody harm.

^ Thank you for your response Graveyard, I appreciate it.

No problem!