How do I know if it is safe to have children with him?

Put this in your own words but ask him if he believes he is a potential risk, no matter how remote that potential is.

I am a pedophile, I am forty-four and other than joining a forum to talk about a TV series with teenagers, I do not believe I have done any harm all of these years. That said, I would be in denial if I believed I am not a potential risk.

Everybody has the potential of doing something harmful. To be in denial about that makes that person more of a risk. Therefore, anyone who recognizes that is a more trustworthy person.

Hi Sandra,

I've only just joined this forum but felt I should respond to your post as I really feel for your situation - especially since you can't speak to anyone about this other than your SO.

You must be in such a difficult place right now and I know it must be very hard to see objectively given how much you love your partner. I think you've been incredible in how understanding you've been - many wouldn't have been so supportive.

I can identify with you to some extent, though it is by no means the same situation. In one of my previous relationships, my boyfriend confessed to me that he had been incestuous with his younger sister (who was at least 5 years younger) when he was a child and teenager. As adults they were unusually close and my gut instinct had previously flagged something up before he actually confessed. He too is a lovely person and I did not judge him harshly - he was so relieved to share the information with me as it was such a massive burden to him. He was desperately ashamed and sickened by his own behaviour. I have kept his secret for him to this day (we broke up in the end - because our relationship wasn't working not because of his secret). I still see him on occasion now and he is still one of the nicest people I know. I remember my thoughts at the time - wondering how to process the information, whether I could still be with him, how would I feel around his sister and so forth. It was a major head f**k. I also felt that this 'new information' had changed our relationship in a way beyond my control - it had altered the past we'd shared, the present we were in and the future we could share. Like I'd been missing a piece of the jigsaw of his personality - and now I had this new piece and I didn't know what the hell to do with it.

I can also identify with you in a different way - I have just come out of a 7 year relationship with another amazing guy who has a heart of gold. It has been a hellish few months. I understand completely how it feels to love someone so much that you feel you could never let them go, that you would do anything to be with them. It feels recently like I've ripped my heart out my chest.

Only you know your situation and your gut feelings about your relationship, but what I will say is this:

1. You deserve to have a secure and happy future - which consists of a trusting relationship, safe and contented children and no question marks.
2. You should under no circumstances forfeit having children in order to stay with him (if children is what you truly want). That is putting his impulses before your needs. If your relationship didn't work out for whatever reason, this is a life choice that may end up being too late to reverse (i.e biological clock and all that). Keep in mind that it will never be too late for him to have kids with another person if they are of childbearing age.
3. You should be able to live in 100% security that when you know your partner is upstairs bathing your children, there is no shadow of doubt in your mind about what is going through his head.
4. And when their friends come over for tea, you must know that they are safe. In likelihood they would be the most at risk. You should not live a life where you feel like you can't leave your partner alone with them. What kind of life is that? Think about the stress and anxiety you would be taking on in this situation.

I'm not saying you can't have these things with your current partner, it might be possible. But I do think it will be incredibly difficult for you. It worries me that no matter how much you and your partner share the problem (his problem), it may well end up being you that takes the burden of it.

This is your life and only you know what you want, strangers online can only help to a certain extent. And I understand that you can't confide in someone you actually know because of the implications. I think all you can do right now it process the two possibilities - 1. staying with him. 2 letting him go. You need time for your brain to work through all this stuff. Whatever you do, please put your needs first- don't let your love for him cloud your life choices. You only get one shot at life and you must make sure you are doing what is best for YOU. I do believe that whatever choice you eventually settle on, it will be the right choice. Best of luck.

Hi, I'm wondering how things are progressing with your relationship and while I'm late to the post, I hope this may help. I have 5 daughters ranging from 8 to 18 and at no time have I ever been inappropriate with any of them even though over 20 years ago I went to jail for sexual interference with a minor. The whole idea of being inappropriate is repellant.

This isn't to say its a guarantee that your partner won't offend, because nothing in life is a certainty but death and taxes; but I hope it helps you to know that there is hope. Open and honest communication is a key component and his willingness to share the most intimate details of his life is encouraging. Your reaction is and support is awesome to witness.

I wish you the best of luck.

Sorry for the delayed reply.

We are still together.

He attends weekly therapy and seems to be making huge progress in how he sees himself and his past and is extremely optimistic about the future. He currently does not allow himself to dwell on thoughts of that type of sexual nature (which I imagine is quite stressful to fight at times). He does not masturbate to such thoughts. He feels incredibly guilty for past behaviour.

We struggle sexually because he has generalised stress around sex. He cannot climax during sex (and never has with anyone) and is trying to work through his own mental issues regarding that.

We talk about having children but I am still scared. I have a career opportunity coming up and, if I became pregnant, it would entail him caring for the child a lot. I worry he might be stressed from the sheer pressure of it all.

My fear is related to my own emotions. I am still processing my disgust at past things he has done before he met me and also an anxiety around his inability to fully enjoy sexual intercourse with an adult. I have a constant secret worry that I will never be fully loved by him although he swears that he wants to be with me. I feel a sense of shame that I would choose to have children with him when, at the start of our relationship, he looked at fully clothed pictures of children although he is an amazing man.

It's tough. I love him dearly. We can talk about anything/everything. He knows this will be a part of his life he needs to manage and he wants to find a way that I don't feel stressed.

Right now I struggle a lot more than he does.

To anyone reading this in my partner's situation, please please seek help. He's a different man now. He looks like the biggest weight has been lifted off his shoulder.

Good to hear and I really hope things work out for you both.

honey, if you have to question if it's safe or not, if your heart and mind are telling you don't, then don't. as a mother, there is one thing that comes above ALL others- your kids. their safety and well being. with him already having told you that, then he may not, but the probability of him doing something to your kid would be kind of high. just KNOW the signs of a molested child. get him into therapy, maybe that will help, cuz chances are- he has probably been molested as a child himself. i am a corrections officer, and i work around these sick individuals every day, but- most of them will tell you, that they themselves were victims as children. some are just off their rockers or straight out creeps, but some are decent people you would never think would do it.

seriously, if you want to have kids with him, get him into a good psychologist, and see if that doesnt help. but me as a mother, i would say well, i can't be with someone much less have a baby by someone who has already told me that.

and if the therapy doesn't help, then please, for the sake of the children DON'T HAVE A BABY WITH HIM!
like i said at the beginning, trust your woman's intuition. if you don't feel it's safe, then don't. which that could go for anything, but especially for the babies sake. women have instincts and intuition for a reason. and a mother has even higher, because she not only has to think about herself, but the well being of her kids first and foremost.

Just popping to give an update and maybe get some much needed support.

My boyfriend has still not looked at any online images in over a year and has no desire to do so. He sees that part of it more as an internet/porn addiction.

He suffers incredible deep shame about what he has done and has just decided to go back to therapy to deal with his emotions of shame. He has only started to open up about how hurt he is that his Father abandoned him as a child and how much he wished to have contact with his step-siblings.

I am in a horrible position where I am at a crossroads where I must decide whether to continue living with him here or return to study more. My heart absolutely wants to stay with him and have a family. I suffer a lot of depression and genuinely cannot cope with studying and working fulltime.

The stress of trying to decide where I live or what I should do made him even more ashamed that he was affecting my future.

He told me the stress has now resulted in him seeing recurrent intrusive images from the pictures he used to look at online and that it disgusts him. He cried a lot. It usually happens when he is driving or daydreaming and the images are ones he has seen before and they haunt him.

I have gotten so suicidal. I'm overwhelmed. All I have wanted to be in life is a good partner and mother but I go to bed feeling ill.

He would absolutely never do anything related to this area of his life again. He's been near suicidal because of the shame.

I absolutely love him. Our sex lif has gotten so much better since he learned how to be vulnerable with me. We have open dialogue about this and he is a very good boyfriend. The overlap between his past behaviours and me living with him was about 2 weeks and he has never gone back to that since. He leaves his laptop fully accessible to me.

I don't know what to do. He supports me 100% no matter what I do but we cry so often about how I want children but I'm scared. He feels so guilty. He does want a family but he's more worried that I'll be upset and never feel safe despite his own behaviour.

I feel I have the personality that will find anxieties wherever I go so I don't want to leave him and I wish I could make this work. I just don't know how to stay strong.

If I leave it much longer it may be genuinely too late to have children for me. He says he is ready to have children whenever I am and that he will continue to get help therapeutic support either on his own or with me as a couple. We have support from his Mother who is aware of the situation and lives in the same country. I have no family support on my side so it is scary for me. I never thought of having kids outside of a rock solid marriage but I think this is my reality now.

I'm finding it so hard to cope. He's such a good man. I want a child so much with him. He would be an amazing father and husband. Sometimes this just rears its head and I physically throw up with the stress. I would never wish this type of relationship on any woman. I've been exposed to a world that makes me feel ill.

Has anyone been in a relationship with someone who is this much in control of their paraphilia and made the jump to have children? There must be lots of us out there.

I'm much more worried about myself than him if you can understand.

Good to hear from you Sandra, I really wish I could give you the right answer but I can't only you can find that in yourself and in conversations with him.

However it seems from what you say he is committed to loving you and putting it all behind him, he sounds like he is being so open and honest with you and that should be commended as it proves he is serious to me, again agreeing to go to therapy either alone or with you is also another good sign he truly means it, none of that would be easy to do

I also understand that you still feel anxiety and are feeling vulnerable with the situation.

That is the best advice I can think of but he does sound like a guy that truly cares about you and is committed to put his behaviour behind him,

I can also say hand on heart I have not looked at or searched for those things since my arrest and am still keeping myself clean too and wanting to put it all behind me forever, so people can change if they want to.

Best of luck.

Biggest Update:

Okay so for the first time I know the big picture. He broke down and told me everything.

I (and he) are sure he is not at risk of acting on any thought now or in the future either online or in reality so that needs to be emphasised. He is haunted by his online activities before he met me and has experienced suicidal feelings due to the shame of it. He has not done anything inappropriate online since he told me over a year ago (he has no smartphone and leaves his laptop open for me to access). He has no desire to do that behaviour anymore because he not only thinks it is wrong but he knows he will never be able to cope with the shame he will feel of not being the person he knows he wants to be.

His age group that stresses him out is 10-13. He describes it as a 'funny feeling' in his stomach and he is ashamed because it is desire in some form. His job does not involve contact with children and he avoids all situations with children (due to the stress it causes him internally and because he has yet to be helped understand what is an appropriate interaction so is waiting to learn). He is proactively seeking therapeutic help to learn appropriate boundaries with children of all ages as he was raised as an only child and is terrified that people will notice that he feels differently because he doesn't know what kind of topics are age-appropriate or what is the correct tone of voice etc. He is haunted by online text communication he had with children years ago (which stopped 5yrs ago). He wants to be learn how to act appropriately when it is not possible to avoid an encounter. His main concern is to make sure children don't feel uncomfortable and also that his peers think he acts appropriately. For example, he has avoided a close friend who has a daughter up until now as it is easier for him and also he is worried that his friend will somehow magically see a potential attraction. in an ideal situation he says he would like a therapist to teach him normal conversational topic for that child's age so he could interact a little but only in an appropriate manner.

He believes he is equally attracted to adult women (and men sometimes too) and is devastated at the thought he may lose me and the future we planned (living together with a family, him continuing with his work). The bond we share is incredibly deep and absolutely healthy. I will never accept any inappropriate actions but I understand he experiences intense distress because of this. I see it as his issue and not ours.

He anticipates absolutely no issues at all with having his own children. On the contrary he would so love to have the good family that he never had. He wants to be a solid Father figure and I believe he was born to do just that.

He is open about the fact that it will be difficult for him to be around children aged 10-13 while he is raising a family - such as birthday parties, school functions etc. It is difficult purely because he feels intense shame and works hard to use all the coping strategies he has learned. He is not at all worried he will act. For my part, it is hard on me when he has spent a day having to use all his coping strategies as he can be exhausted and emotionally shut down.

He actually says he sees most children as younger more fragile versions of me now and that helps him stop objectifying children in real life. A part of him secretly wishes he could befriend and romance the age group he is attracted to but he logically understands that it is a fantasy and their brain development is a lot farther behind what exists in his fantasies.

So he pretty much fights primitive thoughts with hard logic. It works amazing on the outside but it results in him being a really tough boyfriend to be around sometimes because of the energy it takes for him to be the good man he knows he is.

He has acknowledged that the days in which he can be 'hard to live with' and which I thought were probably just general man grumpyness are usually days when he has been around children unexpectedly.

So my concern is now not at all him as he is the poster child for proactive therapy-seeking and openness with me.

My concern is for me as a woman who potentially could be married to this man for my lifetime.

I love him dearly. I truly love him.

I'm just not sure how much my life and mental health will be affected by this when he has children whos friends are the age that cause him distress.


I would love to have a family. I have been ready for over a year but have waited until I understood more about his situation and also until he understood more about himself.

He has asked me to stay with him and to raise a family. He has pledged to avail of any therapeutic support available and to work within any boundaries I define. He often cries and says he is so sad because he loves me so much that he wishes he could press a button and be everything I need. He never knows whether he should ethically tell me to leave because he worries I'll be stressed.

I am just so frustrated this is not talked about more online as I have nobody to talk to in my position. Maybe most girlfriends/wives are oblivious to their partners inner thoughts such as these. Psychologists often feel uncomfortable as they can't judge how open a relationship is and how honest the man is being.

Is it possible to live a healthy happy life as the partner of a non-offending (and in therapy) man who also has attraction to 10-13yr old girls? Will the shame of his online activities destroy me?

How do I cope when he gets stressed when my kids have friends of the age that stresses him? We talk about him working away then or me taking on most of the social activities of kids then to avoid him being stressed/ashamed.

Why is this never talked about? is it impossible to live a happy life with a partner with this paraphilia?

Oh I'd really benefit from any men on this forum who have managed to have a healthy happy family life and relationship throughout it all. Do you feel as if your partners have missed out on anything in life? Can you be a good husband, boyfriend and father.

Also any women who may have lived through this.

Apologies for the rant. I'm at a crisis point and know, at my age, I need to make a decision considering how important having a family life is. it just breaks my heart to think of leaving a man I love with all the qualities I have wanted but is struggling with something through no fault of his own.

I'm afraid the turmoil you are feeling now will continue for the rest of your life
if you stay with this man.

I see you love him and want to marry him, but you do not feel at peace about
having children with him.

Normally, I would say Go for it! but given this situation, I can't say that.
I don't know that he would abuse his own children, but their young friends
would be at risk in my opinion. Also, you are not his main preference sexually,
and probably never will be, and that will always hurt.

As for his openness... sometimes an offender will be very open in order to gain
brownie points/sympathy and manipulate the hearer. He may not be doing this.
Trust your instincts.