How do I know if it is safe to have children with him?

zoegapresso wrote:My view:
- I have a sister about the same age as me. I'm not sexually attracted to her
- I find other women the same age as my sister sexually attractive.
- I like girls below puberty age too.
- I can't fathom how I suddenly would be attracted to my own family, when I have never been attracted to any of them before. Why would it change if I get my own child?

You see my point? Incest is not the same as pedophilia. Now, of course we don't know if your partner also is incestually interested. Does it seem that way to you?

That's exactly how my partner describes it to me.

First off he says it makes no logical sense to him to ever hurt your own family. He says the role of a father is to protect and never hurt. He says there is definite line in his head between obviously fake portrayals of adult incest online and the reality of it. He has friends who were abused as children (he was not) and he is aware of the the realities of it from that side.

He said he couldn't promise not to have very rare random intrusive fleeting thoughts which carry no meaning and I truly understand that. By that I mean I think he sometimes thinks scenarios to challenge himself or sometimes even to torment himself. It seems quite compulsive and self-torturous. In order to know we don't want to sleep with our parents we have at some point all actually had to think about the idea. Often we think of things that horrify us but we can't stop. I just want to make sure there is a definite line in his head between thought and action.

He has step-sisters and can observe subjectively that they are pretty but he has never wanted to act on it. When he was younger he found it disgusting when older men would look at them in 'that way' in public and he once told the wife of a man who kept looking at his step sister (when she was underage) in a shopping mall about what he had done as he felt so angry and protective.

I will try ask him more about what he specifically fantasises about or what are the scenarios he creates in his head in this area (In the past year he only ever looks at fully clothed pictures) and whether they ever involve family situations.

Anything else I should ask him?

It's so difficult to think of what I should be asking and, now that he has started being so incredibly open with me, he seems to want to get it all off his chest and release himself from the stress of the secrecy of it all.

So my question is, how many of you out there can relate to this man I love and what do you advise me to do? Is it possible to have a healthy family situation in this scenario? Could he be a good father and keep this part of his life separate from any children?

As others have mentioned before, just because he is intersted in kids doesn't mean he will like his kids. Some like kids with only a certain look or a certain quality, some like "all kids". I like women but I don't like every woman I meet and I certainly don't feel attracted to my female cousins for instance. But, I also realize that having a pedophilic nature - one that means you need to suffocate part of your needs because of the needs of others to stay safe from you for instance can be very difficult and sexual desires may come up that otherwise would not (just look at the military).

I personally (I am not attracted to underage people) would require someone to have a competent therapist who can tell me themselves that my partner is not a danger and is unlikely to be a threat in the future. I think someone who had these issues could benefit from someone to talk to no matter how you look at it. Those would be my requirements. I would also require that the therapist was able to contact me and law enforcement were there any reason to believe my children would not be safe.

Thanks so much for your reply.

A lot has been happening.

My partner is choosing to seek help from a national organisation who specialise in this area. They are professionals and will preserve his anonymity.

He is admitting huge problems in the past with image collecting although he fully abstains from that now. He is ashamed and confused. I am hurt and betrayed. We both love each other. I'm not sure in what way he loves me or if he is even sure.

I am going to try stay around until we work out our future possibilities and to support him working out his thoughts in the open.

Terrifying to experience with the person you love especially when it is not something I can talk about openly with others.

I think only good can come out of this although I am terrified I will lose him.

I told my partner that I struggle to find him sexually attractive at times. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I don't love him. He understands this, and knows that's it's not really under my control whom I find more sexually attractive.

We have each other to talk to when it comes to the subject of my paedophilia, because I feel he has to know what's going on. I mostly veer away from organizations or support groups because I either don't like most people, don't trust them at all, and/or get anything useful out of them.

I deal with it my own way, and so far, it's worked out well enough to help me be safe for the kids in my life as well as more happy for myself.

I'm so happy to hear your SO is asking for help, and that they can help him in such a short time

We both love each other. I'm not sure in what way he loves me or if he is even sure.

Have you asked him? It's only natural to doubt the love of one's partner when big things like that are revealed. A natural train of thought is that he didn't trust me with it before, and equate that with lack of love. Another option is that he was scared you wouldn't love him back, or that he was too ashamed to tell. Talking to him about his and your feelings can help make the process feel safer emotionally for you both

I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to. Have you considered asking his therapist if s/he would be able to meet you every now and again to help you process this or have joint with your SO? Some therapists do this, especially if the SO wants it, to help make sure the relationships in their lives stay sustainable and positive. Would you want something like this? Or maybe his therapist could refer you to someone you could talk to that s/he considered safe to talk to wrt anonymity?

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

lifelongthing wrote:Have you asked him? It's only natural to doubt the love of one's partner when big things like that are revealed.

I do ask him. He reassures me that he loves me and that he feels love towards me in a healthy adult relationship way.

It is just confusing to me that he can love me in such a way and still be attracted to children. It is affecting my self-esteem and confidence a lot.

I suppose I wonder if I'm just his default legal choice or relationship in reality? I would choose him over anyone regardless. I don't feel 100% sure I would be his first choice in parallel world.

I'm not sure I should/would settle for that.

I still think talking about it openly is all new to him. I really hope talking to someone can help him work out how much of a part of his life this aspect is so I can work out where we stand as a relationship.

lifelongthing wrote:I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to. Have you considered asking his therapist if s/he would be able to meet you every now and again to help you process this or have joint with your SO?.

He is only seeking help now. There is a possibility I will be able to receive support somewhere down the line (if it all works out and my partner and I could keep our relationship) but right now there is no support available to me. My local area is not equipped with professionals who would understand my position.

Just my personal opinion but if I was a woman, I would not be in a relationship with a man attracted to children, and certainly not have children.

I have various children in my life, and no offense to the people on here with pedophile attractions- I am not judging you- but I have ANY suspicions that a male is attracted to children, there is no way I woulld POSSIBLY allow them ANYWHERE near the children in my life, in fact I am significantly distrusting regarding males in GENERAL being near the children I am involved caring for.

Wisedude wrote:
I have various children in my life, and no offense to the people on here with pedophile attractions- I am not judging you- but I have ANY suspicions that a male is attracted to children, there is no way I woulld POSSIBLY allow them ANYWHERE near the children in my life, in fact I am significantly distrusting regarding males in GENERAL being near the children I am involved caring for.

No offence? You can't expect people not to take offence when you say things like that.

Why are you so significantly distrusting with other males in GENERAL ( who are very likely completely innocent of any wrong doing or conversely FEMALES as well) being near the children you are caring for? You are not judging people but you have any suspicions that someone has paedophile attractions you would not allow them anywhere near the children in your life, erm that is judging someone harshly and unfairly based on your suspicions and thoughts not based on any factual evidence.

Then again as you username shows you are a wisedude that is obviously better than the rest of us here and we should bow down to your knowledge and greatness.

In fact you know what the more I read your posts on threads I am involved in the more you will incense me and it will just cause further arguments so I am just going to try not to respond to your posts.

Wisedude wrote:Just my personal opinion but if I was a woman, I would not be in a relationship with a man attracted to children, and certainly not have children.

I have various children in my life, and no offense to the people on here with pedophile attractions- I am not judging you- but I have ANY suspicions that a male is attracted to children, there is no way I woulld POSSIBLY allow them ANYWHERE near the children in my life, in fact I am significantly distrusting regarding males in GENERAL being near the children I am involved caring for.

Now that you've said this, the universe is probably gonna switch up its game and have a woman abuse said children. See? This is why you shouldn't make sweeping generalizations about people. The universe knows.

Wisedude wrote:Just my personal opinion but if I was a woman, I would not be in a relationship with a man attracted to children, and certainly not have children.

I have various children in my life, and no offense to the people on here with pedophile attractions- I am not judging you- but I have ANY suspicions that a male is attracted to children, there is no way I woulld POSSIBLY allow them ANYWHERE near the children in my life, in fact I am significantly distrusting regarding males in GENERAL being near the children I am involved caring for.

I respect your opinion.

It sounds like you might have a problem with males in general being near children but, as someone who has worked with children, you should consider individuals of both genders (of any sexual orientation) as presenting a potential risk to children if you are unaware of their background.

Admittedly a large part of me struggles to see how I could ever be personally comfortable having children with someone who has thought of children in a sexual manner in their minds. I fully understand the protective instinct you describe. I cannot even begin to describe what I would do to someone if they harmed a child in any way.

If someone described this scenario to me I would tell them to run away and avoid any possible risk.

When the man you love voluntarily admits to thoughts and voluntarily seeks help for himself it really does change everything. This is a grown man who has a successful life ahead of him admitting his own weaknesses and asking for help. I don't know if I can have children with him. Right now I don't know if we can even stay together realistically. All I know is that I am incredibly proud of him for asking for help and I love him.

It does hurt a lot to stick with him while he works out how he thinks/feels. More than I can describe. I see the future I wanted taken away from me and tainted. I don't know if I am supposed to walk away from someone I love because of how they think and how it might affect the ability to have a family or if I am supposed to adjust what I want in life (maybe think of a life without children) and think of an alternate future with him where we both have support.