Trigger Warning: Seduced by my brother I was 11, he 18

(to the moderator: I have just posted this in another forum here: child abuse and incest; and am awaiting the moderator to post; since it involves my experience as a young boy being seduced by an older man (my brother) AND my experience of slowly ripening into an adult with sexual feelings for girls, I feel that the post could quite properly stand in either or both... hence my posting here as well)

I just spent an hour writing a long post (maybe consider yourselves fortunate) about how my brother seduced me.

My stupid service provider dropped me sometime during this time and I lost the whole thing.

I have not got the patience to write it out again.

Here it is in brief:

I was 11, he 18.
Dysfunctional home; mother scrupulous catholic, had just died from brain tumours.
Father nightly drunk.
I was precocious: physically & intellectually, though probably already exhibiting behaviors which were later
diagnosed as BPD with NPD and AsPD as co-morbid.

He seduced me; we had 2 years where he ###$ me; we sucked each other off; I loved it.
At the same time I started getting off with the girls (young women) who lived in the same house as my brother, taking drugs and drinking a lot of booze.

At age 14 I asked my brother to introduce me to the gay bar scene in town (I was just mature enough looking and dressing and sounding to fake it, to have the bar staff turn a blind eye, and I had a natural charm and grace that allowed me to swan through life, not respecting the rules when it didn't suit me so underage drinking was nothing to me.

I swapped sex for money and motorbikes and other gifts.

I got involved with a girl when i was 16, she 14; she love the whole bowie androgeny thing and what she saw as my bi-sexuality fueled our own sex life.

We stayed together 4 years, right through and beyond the years of my self-prostitution.

I have managed to have a few stable and rewarding heterosexual relationships, marrying twice and producing a little girl who I have only seen once in my life.

I have come to recognize in myself the root desire for sex with young girls which I imagine must make me paedophile by nature.

I masturbate to 3d anime; never having downloaded real porn, mainly out of fear of imprisonment, but also due to a vestigial scrupule about not wanting to participate in an activity which in all likelihood will have caused harm to another human being.

If I were to find myself on the receiving end of the affections of a young girl I don't know what I would do, though to date I have only ever come close to acting on these impulses during my time as a school teacher. I had girls in year 8 regularly flash their crutches at me during classes and seek rendez-vous with me after class. While I never succumbed to the temptation of these opportunities, I nightly masturbated about them and still do. I think the only brake that is left to me is the sanction of the law and threat of incarceration, as I no longer see in myself any real
self-restraining structures resembling a conscience in this matter.

I am not seeking advice; more like sympathetic company in which to relax and be myself.

I post because I can; and I think it is just and fair that people such as myself, in this age of almost medieval hysteria on the subject of adult-child sexual relations, should have a place to express these feelings, which in and of themselves are not intrinsically shameful.

I think we are witnessing something akin to a witch-hunt mentality: very stupid, very counter-productive, probably something that will be outgrown, but definitely, predictably human all too human.

Thanks for letting me post
Beau

Hi there,

I know you said you didn't want any advice, but would you answer some questions if you don't mind?

First of all are you male or female and how old are you now? And what is BPD with NPD and AsPD as co-morbid? How does this affect you?

Also, what kind of relationship do you have with your brother now? And is it your choice not to have contact with your daughter?

Please ignore if any of my questions are too personal

allahuakbar wrote:Hi there,

I know you said you didn't want any advice, but would you answer some questions if you don't mind?

First of all are you male or female and how old are you now? And what is BPD with NPD and AsPD as co-morbid? How does this affect you?

Also, what kind of relationship do you have with your brother now? And is it your choice not to have contact with your daughter?

Please ignore if any of my questions are too personal

I have to start by frankly expressing my distaste for your pseudo, since it is in my face as a subtle provocation each time I see it: "God is Great" So, since I must read it each time I come on here, I will assume that this is your intent: ie: to make a public declaration of your faith, as if it were an assertion of fact; I will take this phrase "God is Great", as your standing, ongoing declaration to this group; as such, it is a proposition like any other, in one sense, and therefore open to querying, challenging, denying, or in some other way being engaged with.

My engagement with this "text" is to deny it, as an atheist; I also challenge your need to affirm it in a group that has nothing structurally or functionally whatsoever to do with religion (thank christ! or people like me wouldn't be able to come here and express ourselves).

With that said, I pass to your questions.
But first, some preliminary comments:

I am suspicious of anyone in a group like this adopting "observer" status, since that is what I must presume you are, given that I have read no post in which you offer anything of your own sexual orientation or practices, nothing of your marital status or sexual dysfunction. If this is so, good for you! But I for one do not need an observer: I am looking for fellowship and an opportunity to openly share with others who occupy the same or similar place on the rainbow of human sexuality.

Observer status creeps me out; it reminds me of AA and similar cults; as a self-diagnosed member of this group of individuals, by virtue of my sexual nature, I lay claim to the right to be "at home" here; part of being "at home" is enjoyment of the right to express oneself when one feels uncomfortable while "at home".

I hereby express this discomfort with regard to your status as observer (note-taker, interrogator with a smile, whatever you are)


Now, finally, if you still want me to answer your questions, I will, but only after you answer some of mine:
1. what is your purpose in being here in this forum?
2. what is your sexual orientation?
3. do you have any sexual problems?
4. do you enjoy reading about the problems or disclosures of others of a sexual nature, or are you currently in training as a medical professional, policeman, or child-protection agency of any kind? and,
5. how do you feel about "the Prophet's" spousal choices, in particular his marriage to 12 year old Aisha?

-Beau

I am a muslim and you are an atheist - let's leave it at that! Challenging my 'need' to affirm it? I don't need to, I chose to and I had no intention of offending anyone. There is absolutely no need to get into a religious row on here.

Observer status creeps you out? Well I don't consider myself an observer.

I stumbled accross this forum by accident afer googling 'necrophile'. I was lead to a post which was written by a pedophile asking for advice and as a mother, I couldn't ignore it. Not all parents are given the opportunity to get such an insight into pedophilia so I'm quite grateful that it happened.

In answer to your questions:

1. My purpose is to hopefully help others with a few kind words and learn about the big wide world.

2. I am 20 year old heterosexual female (married).

3. As far as I am aware, I have no sexual problems.

4. I wouldn't say I enjoy it, but I do find it interesting. I'm not training to be any of those things.

5. Again, let's not get in to religion. You won't hear a lot of muslims say that but I converted 2 years ago so I'm still an average English girl in many ways. I'm sure many other muslims would consider me to be committing sin just by being on this forum. And I'm sure many other muslims would copy and paste the Qur'an in reply to your post.

And finally, it's okay if you decide not to answer my questions. I was asking out of interest.

beaumarin wrote:I post because I can; and I think it is just and fair that people such as myself, in this age of almost medieval hysteria on the subject of adult-child sexual relations, should have a place to express these feelings, which in and of themselves are not intrinsically shameful.

Hi Beau, I totally agree with this sentiment.
Sorry to hear you had such a tough start in life.

I won't say more as I'm just another observer, at least on the topic of attraction to minors. (I have my own sexual issues and attractions but they're more in the BDSM realm. I sometimes hang about because sexual psychology and the rights and welfare of people with paraphilias interests me.)

allahuakbar wrote:And what is BPD with NPD and AsPD as co-morbid?

These refer to mental health diagnoses. Allahuakbar, if you want to learn about them you could google them or visit the respective forums on this site. All three forums have active communities who may be willing to answer any questions you have.
I think the forums, including this one, are primarily intended for peer support - in other words, people with similar issues offering support to each other. Questions from observers (rather than peers) can come across as interrogations, if you know what I mean.

Platypus wrote:

beaumarin wrote:I post because I can; and I think it is just and fair that people such as myself, in this age of almost medieval hysteria on the subject of adult-child sexual relations, should have a place to express these feelings, which in and of themselves are not intrinsically shameful.

Platypus wrote:Hi Beau, I totally agree with this sentiment.

And THAT is why I am here; get a bit of calm, rational, adult fellowship.
Thank you: you warm my heart.

Warmth back to you,
Beau

allahuakbar wrote:
5. Again, let's not get in to religion.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to this.
No.5, let me remind anyone else reading this, was:
"How do feel about "the Prophet's" spousal choices, especially his marriage to Aisha at age 12?"

I don't think this is a religious question at all!
I think it RIGHT ON the core subject of what (most of us here) are about!

If you can't or won't confront that -admittedly thorny, but nonetheless central- issue, then I have nothing to offer you, nor you me, and I respectfully decline to answer your questions (though, if you have really read attentively -this is something I do whenever I read someone's post- the posts I had already made before you sent yours with your questions, some of them would have been redundant)

All the best in what I hope (for your sake) is an ongoing search for meaning.
Beau

Welcome to the forums, I do hope you feel at home and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

In relation to allahuakbar I think you were a tad mean to and said unecessary things especially because I believe that just as you don't want to be judged neither does her. I had to get that off my chest, so don't take it personally. Feel free to PM me incase you need anything. o/

Simontheo wrote:Welcome to the forums, I do hope you feel at home and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

Thanks for the welcome.
As for "what I'm looking for", I have already found it: that is, a few (not many but I wasn't hoping for crowds) like-minded people with whom I can rub shoulders and get a bit of the old herd warmth that "normal" folks take for granted but which is so damn hard to get when your stripes mark you out as different, as I'm sure you know all too well.

Beau

salut, beau marin
first of all, you write beautifully, if with a certain grandiloquence which wends itself through your posts from time to time. Be nice to the above poster please, she's an observer and you don't have to be ok with it but seriously, bringing her religion into this topic just derails it unnecessarily. She's a nice girl and I at least felt that the way you handled that could have been improved.
That said, welcome to this haven of depravity lol. We're all fighting the same fight here. Good luck.

MJ