Porn addict in a downward spiral, need advice

Hello. I am 18 and I have what I think is a serious problem with porn. I have been looking at it and have been fascinated by it since age 12 and now I cannot stop occupying myself with it. Coupled with my OCD, I am driven to compulsive downloading where I spend nearly all of my free time downloading and organizing my porn collection and spreading it over external drives. I regularly spend about 9 hours a day on the stuff and it causes me lack of sleep. I don't even masturbate to the stuff I collect usually, I just stash it and stream stuff later. Right now I have around 11 TB of porn saved on various drives, but I just can't seem to bite the bullet and let it go after putting so much hours of my life into it.

Now for the more serious problem, which is why I posted this in the paraphilias section. My porn addiction has driven me, over the years, to take up more extreme forms of acting out, one being the absurd massing of porn. But I have also have had this deep urge to keep looking at CP. When I first found the stuff at 12, the girls were close to my age so I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. Eventually I learned that it was wrong, but the urge was still there, ground fast into me from the onset of puberty. I tried to push it away from me and focus on adult porn. I thought that maybe turning all my porn addiction full force towards adult porn would distract me from it, but I was wrong.

One night last year the urge hit me like a ton of bricks and I snapped. I recalled all the explicit CP images in my mind that I used to obsess over during childhood, and all hell broke loose as I went into a ridiculous downloading spree, amassing thousands and thousands of the vile images. I didn't even look at 90% of the stuff, just kept downloading for some reason. It took me a month of crying and attempts of self harm to delete the stuff and try again to beat the addiction. I deleted the CP along with my previous adult stash. Now I've downloaded it all back.

I don't know where to go from here. I am torn. One side of me recoils from the idea of letting my porn go and destroying the drives again. It can't fathom a life without a stash of porn. However, the other side of me realizes that to continue this compulsion means to be forever vulnerable to the law. I am 18, was raised by a loving family, went to a private school, and am going to college to be a computer engineer. I am an eagle scout. I am continuously plagued by images of the Homeland Security van rolling down my driveway and putting me in handcuffs. I could not bear the disappointment of my family or to myself. I brings chills to me. So I try to steer the middle ground between abstinence and CP, massing absurd amounts of adult porn, trying to steady myself along this slippery slope that is my porn addiction. Sometimes I get on the computer in the morning and download and I want to puke. Deep down I hate it all, but unfortunately, this feeling is always fleeting.

Please do not report me. I am merely asking for advice as a young adult who has nowhere else to turn.

You've got to stop it.
I will help you.

You've got to find a new hobby to replace all the time you spent on porn.
There are wholesome alternatives, more rewarding and satisfying than pornography.

Why the actual F#CK would you do something as stupid as downloading CP?! Do you KNOW the possible repercussions for your actions??

Now that I've gotten my initial reaction out of the way...have you considered distracting yourself from porn entirely? Maybe going to a support group? Treat it like any other addiction. When I kicked cocaine I learned to knit, crochet, I biked, went hiking, took pottery classes, pilates, horseback riding literally ANYTHING to deny access. I also dealt with the things that make me feel I had to use. That's an important step.

Kicked a habit and got a scarf, hat, and made my dog a blanket out of the deal. You can do this. Msg me if you need to talk.

Hi and thanks for listening to me. Yea I know downloading CP is stupid and could get me in prison. I literally cried and couldn't sleep last night after masturbating when the cloud of horniness lifted and I could see what I had done. I got rid of the cp, but the question that's been plaguing me is whether or not I should delete my porn stash. Obviously for the purposes of managing my addiction, I need to let go, but it's so hard to part with, feels like its become a part of me, if that makes since, because I spent so much time meticulously organizing and renaming every single file, placing them in the right folder, etc. and its hard to let go. But I am teetering between deleting it and not. Should I just hold my breath, close my eyes and delete at this point?

btw I have tried beating this addiction cold turkey in the past, by which I mean no porn viewings or masturbation at all, with little success and constant relapse. I'm wondering if I should move towards something like addiction "management" and try to keep the urges corralled into something reasonable instead of just trying to stop altogether.

To elaborate on my past porn fighting experiences, what always seems to hit me is that when I abstain from masturbation or porn, I feel asexual, because, well, I'm a virgin with no girlfriend at this point. This asexual feeling bothers me, making me feel anxious and unsettled, because for some reason I feel that I am "wasting my youth" if that makes sense. I feel like I should be having daily orgasms and such. Is this convoluted thinking as well? Am I just that used to porn and masturbation that they define my existence? What should I do?

Whizzy, do you have a doctor or therapist to help you with your OCD? If not, maybe you might benefit from seeing someone? It sounds like this compulsion could get you into trouble if you don't get it under control. Getting professional help may make it easier than trying to do it on your own.

Thanks for the reply. It's sort of a self-diagnosed OCD that I'm not 100% sure I have. When I was younger I had the typical symptoms (fretting about frequent hand washing, checking to see if a door locked multiple times, etc) but now it has spilled over completely into porn. So I'm not really sure if I have OCD per-se or if it is just a really bad addiction that needs to be addressed. As for therapy, I really don't want anyone to know about this, especially my parents, so I'm afraid I will have to work this out for myself to the best of my abilities. I just need to figure out how...

Regardless of whether you have OCD, it does sound like you have a compulsion to download porn. You don't have to mention child porn to a therapist - you could just say "porn" or even "files". Therapists have patient confidentiality laws and policies to follow. If you don't want your parents to know, you could mention that before you disclose anything. A therapist can tell you in advance whether they can honour your privacy, and what sort of information they would be obligated to share with other parties (such as your parents or the police.) They cannot make you tell them anything - you can share as much about yourself as you feel comfortable sharing.

There is no shame in asking for help. It is well known that people who download child porn can be obsessive-compulsive rather than sex offenders. Getting help may feel frightening or difficult, but it will probably be less stressful than being charged with downloading/possessing illegal images or always living with the fear that you will one day be charged.

As for beating it on your own, I'm sorry I don't know what strategies would work, but something you could try is finding out about "mindfulness". If you can become more aware of your mood, you may be able to stop yourself from repeating the same compulsive pattern. You may be able to identify the things that cause you stress or anxiety that prompt you to download porn, and either learn to eliminate that stress from your life or find other outlets/activities to cope with it.

(I do things compulsively when I am stressed and I don't know how to get out of the situation I'm in. It is a way for me to 'escape' and to feel in control. I might not be able to manage what's going on in my life, but I can sort files and that makes me feel better. I don't know if you react similarly, so apologies if my suggestion is no good for you.)

Hon, if it's hard to quit cold turkey...wean yourself off. Do 15-minutes to an hours less one day than you did the day before. It may take time...but roon you may have it down to a healthier level, or not at all!

You can do this. As always...the box is open.

No doubt about it you need to get help and stop what you are doing! Believe me this is from someone who has learnt the hard way. The pain shame and embarrassment for being so stupid and the fact it messes up other people's lives in your family is just not worth the risk. It's easy to say why did you do it? It's actually a lot harder to actually stop yourself being stupid. I knew how stupid I was yet still continued in a course of action that spiralled out of control and now I am paying the price. It is an addiction just like drugs or alchohol and you need help to overcome it. I would recommend reading "In the shadows of the net" by Patrick Carnes. I dare anyone to read it in your situation and not be able to relate to the stories in it, I was in tears many times reading it. It was recommended to me by the Lucy Faithful foundation. You do need to get rid of all porn you have as it clearly a big problem for you. The advent of the Internet and faster speeds and torrent files etc has made this problem such s major one over the years, none of us who remember the early days of widespread Internet would ever have imagined this scenario unfolding. I recommend the book to anyone as it is a compelling read. It made me think so much, it made me understand so many things about myself that I knew deep down but just didnt acknowledge. I am pretty smart generally, but at the same time can be so stupid and naive I do very stupid things, never have been able to figure out why either because I'm not a stupid person. If I could save one person from making the mistakes I have then it would all be worthwhile. Try and see soneone to help you get away from such a destructive lifestyle. I mnow it sounds like I'm a hypocrit but when your life is st its lowest you really do start to see the bigger picture, but the hurt in doing do is high. I wish you the best of luck and really hope you can get your life back on track and manageable.

Tabs wrote:You've got to stop it.
I will help you.
Thank you. I responded to your PM

-- Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:58 pm --

xoPinkerbelleox wrote:Hon, if it's hard to quit cold turkey...wean yourself off.

Yes, I think that's my plan. I've taken a vow no matter how much porn I may stream in the future, I will not save a single file, which will be a huge step for me, my addiction being mainly centered around the massing, the gathering, of porn. I will still stream, but not save, for a time, and then I will work myself off the streaming and try to minimize or stop my porn access entirely this way