Origin of my Humiliation Paraphilia Prt.2

The way I look at it, once you've got a paraphilia it starts speaking and acting for you, you become a passenger toward where it wants you to go. Between the ages of 12-14 I started humiliating myself in other ways that only now do I fully understand. Whenever there was a class group assignment that involved playing characters to perform in front of the class, I found myself volunteering to play a girl character. It wasn't that I wanted to actually be a girl or that there was any gender identity issue going on, I just felt that playing a girl character was a humiliating thing for a boy to do. So as we were performing our group's assignment in front of the class there I was up there talking with a girl's voice and using feminine hand gestures. Looking back on it I can remember my own group members glancing at me with curious expressions wondering why I had volunteered to be a girl character in the first place. The class audience was laughing hysterically at my girl voice and girl hand gestures and I overheard one girl ask her friend, "Is he gay?" I wasn't gay but the idea that people were wondering if I was gay became another source of humiliation. This humiliation was increased by the fact that at home my father was extremely homophobic. My father said that if one of his kids was gay he would kick them out of the house and never speak to them again.

In high school I found myself in a humiliation scenario that was beyond my control. There were these three big jocks who were all friends and they decided as a team that I would be their servant. I was skinny and wimpy and too afraid to fight any of them so I did what I was told. In the cafeteria they would order me to bring them more napkins or straws and I would have to get up from my seat and bring them what they wanted. Then when I would sit back down one of the jocks would say to me "Good job homo". The most humiliating aspect of their abuse was the fact that they would treat me this way right in front of the beautiful girls in school. It was embarrassing for me that these girls saw me in a role where I was basically a maid to three dominant males. On an intellectual level I didn't like this abuse at all but emotionally and physically it was arousing. When they ordered me around I would get a tingling feeling in my testicles and anus.