chemical castration

hi
since being young ive been shy and odd. to be hounest i had feminine tendency from as young as i can remember but never really acted on them to much extent just sort of switching off to them. never had the desire to have a girlfriend and guessed i was somewhere in-between gay and transgender.
over the last decade ive been spiralling downwards which has resulted in me become hiv ,having had hep c and undergoing treatment to get rid of that along with all varieties of sti ect. i stil have sex unprotected and dont care about me or any partner.. my sex drive can run out of control and can leave me harmed through rough sex and drug use. when the mood/sex drive goes high my femanine desires get very strong. i only enjoy sex as the female ie receptive but can include all forms of away from normal sex. theres a lot more to it but thats a rough outline.
now one thing i found in my stupid attempts to satisfy my desires was in taking finasteride to see what lowering my testosterone would feel like. it calmed me down i felt good and settled. i did get a bit tired but overall something felt right. i stopped because i was worried of self administration ect and within a month i was back to my horrible old way. i told my hiv consultant and she prescribed anti depressants but they were horrible and not the answer. ive gone back on the antiandrogens as i was getting way to risky again.
i openly asked if i could try chemical castration but it seemed such a taboo subject and the docs just side step it. ive spent all my life dealing with being shy and im not very good at confrontation or explaining things very well and get withdrawn or put a false front up to cope with it. i have just got to the point i want to know if it is testosterone driving a fantasy. a friend i have who is trans told me it could be transgenderism and testosterone is just conflicting with my brain. all i know is the sex drive and thoughts get slowly worse in nature.

Hi, Jody.

It's not on that your docs sidestep what you're asking them, especially as how you explain that you're shy and not good at explaining yourself in those situations. They don't sound very thorough to me. Have you tried writing things down before you see them? Maybe giving them a letter might be easier?

If they are made aware of the other things you've described here, especially the bit about unprotected sex and not caring about yourself or any partner, and they still try to sidestep, then frankly they're crap doctors not fit for the purpose.

my hiv consultant got me to see local mental health department but it was a joke. first doc seemed interested but then moved away so had to wait for a new one. then got student who kept having to refer to her boss which seemed to take 5 weeks a go so asked for different doctor. got to see a consultant who didnt listen infact he was rushing to get away as surgery had run late so just wrote a script for ant sphycotics which i refused. i complained to hiv consultant that he was bad and she and my hiv nurse had a meeting with him after which she suggested i shouldnt see him, he actually told my hiv nurse to keep quiet as he shouldnt be getting involved. hiv consultant put me forward to see gender clinic but had to go through local doctor for funding and local doc is not trans friendly so was turned down. the local mental health is so underfunded they have no time to really talk to someone. they either cancel or cut short appointments rebooking at least 6 weeks away. there answer to everything is antidepressants. ive tried mood stabilizers, 2 types of anti depressants ect.they all made me unwell and i said there not the answer. i asked why cant i try chem castration to see if that answers the questions. problem is docs cant prescribe it only gender clinic or specialist. couldnt get to see gender clinic so emailed the leading professor who treats sexual offenders. he said its aimed at sexual offenders and offered yes u guessed it a form of antidepressant
on the tv a month or so ago they had a guy who had volunteered for chem castration after his fantasies were getting worrying and made it seem like you can just go and ask. HOW how do you volunteer without having a tv crew behind you. ive tried its impossible they all just pass you from one to another . oh yes if you flip and get caught you can be treated. WHAT BACKWARD SYSTEM WE HAVE. since i got refused funding to go see gender clinic they have all gone quiet. i hit the finasteride and thought sod them. they are stuck in the dark ages . i thought i was been quite logical.. if lowering the testosterone took away the trans feelings then it was a testosterone driven fantasy. if they stayed then hey im trans. ive never stayed on the fin long enough to see how my feelings/mood level out over time. ill be dammed if im going to be doped on antideprtessants to hide the real problem.

The local doctor is not trans friendly? You should make a complaint if this is the case.

It sounds like you've had a right nightmare. There's got to be a way for you to be seen by some competent doctors who can help you.

Is this the NHS? If not, is going private an option for you?

Having unprotected sex knowing you're HIV positive is considered attempted murder in many places. You clearly don't care but for those reading who might, thought I'd mention it.

It's definitely a terrible thing to do, Captain. I'd go so far as to treat it as actual murder in cases where the person is of sound mind and makes a cold, premeditated decision to infect another.

I want the OP to get help ASAP. If these doctors are aware of what's going on, then they should be struck off indefinitely.

it does read bad. the docs just seem to want to pass you on to someone else. i openly admit i have a body gender problem but it doesnt extend to dressing like avery one expects a trans woman to be. its not about how i look to others.i dont get a cheap thrill out of dressing like a "woman" trying to get people to distinguish between body dysphoria and presentation dysphoria is so hard.i can happily be a butch fem.the russian womens olympic team were very good at it !. they do exist but not in the docs eyes.
i hate been male i dont want the bits but it seems impossible to have a change. i have proved to myself if i drop the testosterone i fell so much better albiet with a raise in the desire to have a sex change. i have put myself back on a medium dose of finasteride. whether the docs pay attention or not only time will tell. i cannot belive when you go ask directly for castration with them knowing the problems they have their hands so tied that its a joke. i asked can i just try but all they offer is antii depressants that give nasty side effects and only have a maximum 40% chance of castration.id cut the dam things off my self if i had the nerve but thats not really a sensible answer i know. i did some reading and finasteride was used for trans women as the antiandrogen and its available from the internet. im starting to understand why ive always had such problems.

Hi Jody,
Sorry to hear about all the trouble you're going through. I urge you to continue trying and don't give up. And please do not continue having unprotected sex; its unfair on your partners. It's obvious that the doctors you are seeing are not carrying out their jobs properly; it's disgraceful to be honest. And I think you are 100% right in your view that antidepressants are not the answer to your issues. I'm afraid I don't know much about what you're experiencing and so I don't want to push loads of advice on to you, but you can always PM me if you want to chat. I wish you all the best!

back on the finasteride i dont have the unprotected sex. getting srs is looking impossible though. i hope the finasteride kills the testicles and frees me from some of this merry go round. up and down the roller coaster.

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:Having unprotected sex knowing you're HIV positive is considered attempted murder in many places. You clearly don't care but for those reading who might, thought I'd mention it.

Exactly.

*mod edit* It's little different than if I went out at night with a needle full of anthrax and injected everyone I came across.

Jody - it's clear you're addled with drugs to the point of being barely literate or coherent in your thinking. You need to stop taking them at any cost. Your spiral of self-destruction is killing other people. You're also wasting a life that is likely to be cut short by AIDs, so do yourself a favor and go to rehab, you're extremely unwell.