Please, Please help me.

Hi everyone, I wasn't sure where to post this, but thought I'd give it a go.

Firstly, I THINK I have some sort of OCD. It revolves around me looking for things to feel guilty and weird about. Then I beat myself up over it for forever.
It all started last year when I remembered that when I was perhaps 14 or so, I used to search for pornographic material of girls my age. I got absolutely convinced that I had some sort of pedophilic tendency back then and that I had seen videos of girls much younger. But looking back now, I came across a handful of videos, and didn't exactly 'get off' on any of them. Perhaps viewed them out of curiosity? I don't know.
Anyway, after remembering this, I started getting obsessed as to whether I had a problem with who I am attracted to. I'm 20 by the way. I have always found girls of perhaps 13/14/15 attractive. I wouldn't be with one, as I am much older and obviously that is not right. But I think it is normal for people my age to find them attractive. I was never worried, and always thought I was attracted to the same as all my mates. Even the other day, my mate commented on a girl who was actually 13 in a film..
But, I then started checking as to whether I am attracted to younger girls.. prepubescents.
Now, I want to make it clear that prior to this, I never looked at prepubescent girls. Never.
But as my obsession with checking for an attraction has grown, I feel as though I have developed some sort of attraction..
I really can't explain how I feel. I see a girl, say perhaps 8 years old. I instantly start checking for an attraction, and my anxiety goes through the roof. Let me be clear that I certainly don't want to have this attraction.. Basically I was wondering whether its possible for me to actually develop the attraction?
When I masturbate (all lads my age do it..lets be mature) often I get thoughts telling me to masturbate over a younger girl, but I fight that thought and wont let myself do it. Even if I am attracted, I don't want to even think about it.
The thing is, I feel like a messed up guy. I started masturbating really young. Perhaps 9 or 10 years old. I remember getting access to porn when I was perhaps 11 and when I was like 12 I remember watching a whole host of weird things. I.e Women with dogs/horses. Plainly, this disgusts me now (Even though my mind is trying to convince me that it doesn't!) Which is simply because I just don't care about it.. I have no opinion on it. I'm not squeemish so it doesn't make me feel ill, but I don't get off on it..Just no opinion. I've always had a wide range of strange fantasies. Like me watching girls I know have sex with older men and stuff.. I seem to get off the idea of a girl being really 'dirty'.

My fantasies now are well in order. I masturbate to normal porn, as and when. But its the guilt from the past that is killing me and the fear that I may actually be attracted to kids. I was at a wedding, and my cousin has a 2 year old daughter, and I couldn't describe how I felt. I wasn't attracted, but the kid just looked.. different. I just thought that it was an attraction.. it made me sick to my stomach, but what could I do?

Does this sound like OCD to you? Or does it sound like a genuine case of me turning into a pedophile? I know I suffer from some sort of OCD, but I honestly feel as though I am just in denial. I just cant understand how I can have formed this attraction in lets say 6 month..

Some of the stuff you told kinda of reminds me of my past thoughts that was POCD.

Yeah bud you have POCD. Its cool lots of people have it on this board.

Yes, this definitely sounds like POCD to me too. I don't know much about it, and I'm sure you can't just make yourself stop having certain compulsions, but maybe telling yourself that you have POCD as appose to being a pedophile might help you get closure on the subject?

JonesIWMLB wrote:When I masturbate (all lads my age do it..lets be mature) often I get thoughts telling me to masturbate over a younger girl, but I fight that thought and wont let myself do it. Even if I am attracted, I don't want to even think about it.

Okay this is unrelated, but I totally get this. Whenever I'm having sex or whatever, my brain will be really mean to me and make the worst things pop into my head. The things I'm least sexually attracted to in this world, like my family or children or my cat, will pop into my head randomly and I'll have to stop and concentrate on making them go away. It's annoying..