my world has ended

I've been lurking around here for over a week, just learning as much as I can. It all started with OCD, as I've been obsessive by nature since childhood, and then anxiety and depression have been my unwanted visitors for the past few years.

I've never, ever considered myself attracted to children in my life. The idea seems completely absurd to me, but something has changed recently and I'm starting to realise that I'm inappropriately aroused around certain ages of children and am now terrified.

I took 4 years coming out as a lesbian, because I used to be a conservative Christian (together with OCD, this was a nightmare). I ditched the religion and have spent the past year learning to love me for who I am, but with something nudging at the back of my head that there was something else.

I'm not a big porn user, I used to find it pretty disgusting (and partly still do) but have only ever seen appropriate aged porn (the idea there was other ages horrified me). I've never been comfortable with my sexuality, and now I fear that I'm attracted to young girls.

I'm horrified, ashamed, feel constantly sick, and am about to fail the last year of a 4 year university course because I can't cope with any stress. I started to finally feel 'OK' about being alive, but with this new discovery, I don't feel like I deserve to live. My doctor sort of gets the idea, but possibly believes it to be OCD thoughts, and I am seeing a psych at some point in the future (though it's the NHS, so that might take forever).

I denied my lesbianism for so long that it took me years to feel right about it, and even now I struggle with it, but this.. I don't think I can handle this. It's just too much, and it's just not fair. I wish I could tell my parents everything, but I don't know how its supposed to help. I feel like this biggest human failure on planet earth, and I'm tortured because I was one day planning on working with children.

I just.. don't know what to do. How am I ever supposed to feel whole and happy now?

I felt confused like this one time and I realized it was POCD, which is what you most likely have too.

Doryfish, I think your OCD has a lot to do with your upbringing as a conservative Christian.

Usually I avoid discussing religion on these boards, because of its potential divisiveness, but I'd just like to say that the Jesus I know wouldn't want you to be caught up in a spiral of guilt. At the conservative end of the scale, a lot of right wingers project their prejudices onto Jesus, and they really are prejudices that Jesus the man wouldn't have had time for. If he could talk directly to them today, he'd tell them to drop their prejudices, stop the judging, and stop making so many people grow up with guilt complexes about their sexuality and what not.

Jesus wouldn't want you to feel your world has ended just because of your sexuality. I'm certain of that.

Masamune Date wrote:I felt confused like this one time and I realized it was POCD, which is what you most likely have too.

I'd agree with that in this case.

English is a foreign language for me, so usually I do not understan all the meanings of such letters as your's is. But I think I could understand that you are a lesbian, who nowadays feels certain "inappropriate arousal around certain ages of children". My question would be that, even if you are lesbian, why do not you live in a stable (lesbian) relationship? I think, a stable personal environment with honest discussions, and a regular sexual life with regular satisfaction, could soften this urges and tensions.

I had this fear too at some point I have ocd but I don't obsesse over being a pedophile and I have a baby sister at age 13-14 I took care of her cause she was an infant and my mom worked alot , I would feed her and change her dipers , I realized I was cleaning her butt and vagina and I suddntly became scared of being down there and got scared that I may fondle her , but guess what , I didn't , I love my baby sister to death and I didn't want to be the cause of misfortune , my love of my babybsister helped me get over that fear , I read you have arousal , well arousal is part of groinage response in ocd , I had a fear of having sex with my mother and the fear of icest and I was never attracted to her ever , I just started hanging out around my mom more and I realized how much I adored her and how my obsession was a false lie and what if thought , so my advice is hang around more children and don't worry about the groinage response or the arousal , it will go away .