No one is safe!!!!!!!!!!!

i didn't notice a post being gone.. maybe something to ask the administrators/modifiers of this forum?

Dear Mariposa;

Great... Just what I need..... a post by Paul was here just two days ago--- didn't have time to reply ----- and now it's vanished!!!
I already don't trust and now things are being deleted without any explanation!!!
Is this some kind of cruel game??

I deleted the post because of some errors in my analysis, I don't want to give wrong advice, there is no game, no foul play trust me.
Probably, I should have put some notice in place of the delted item.

You can absolutely be certain, that I want you to get better, to have a happy life.I don't know what to say.
I wish you all the very best.

Thanks for your reply Firnlothwen, I did write to a moderator..... they have yet to write back.

Paul, thanks for writing back and explaining, and for the well wishes.

mariposa

Hi, Im new here but Im just being honest

After reading this short thread, I felt for mariposa

I felt condecension. But it could just be my erroneous thinking too. I mean people hurt. They stab you in the back so hard and so deep while being nice to your face. I know exactly what mariposa is saying.

Being excluded, being on the "outside" being the "target" is just so damn painful and numbing. You just get to the point where you just expect it. I get the feeling that I even create it in my life now as I expect it so dependably.

Theres a totem structure to social interaction and jockeying for position is something people are always doing. They steal morsels of dignity from you without batting an eye lid.

I sit there looking at them stealing it from right under my nose. They may as well be taking my liver or my spleen. I sit there and watch as the vermon knaw on my bones. Trying so hard not to be the "one" The bottom of the totem pole.

Problem is that I dont understand the game. I dont understand the rules. Throw a group of strangers together in a class room for example and over the course of a few weeks, there will be the natural cream. The guys/gals that float to the top. Why them. Why not me? They score off me. They make those comments to greedily scoop up the popularity points.

It must be their sharp wit and intelligence. But I can do that too. I just find it unpalatable because the reality of what I am doing is so terrorfying to me. But I know if I dont, I will be door matt.

So I do it too. If a slight or a simple mis spoken word that wasnt "meant" to hurt you should be forgiven to be well. Then where the hell does one draw the line. At one extreme, a well adjusted individual with no paranoid tendencies and at the other extreme, a fool being trampled on by even the most unworthy oponent in the social group.

They all do it. They all jockey for position and score off you. The trick is to be perceived as nice while doing it. I guess my biggest problem is that I dont want to be a leader. But I am damned if I am going to acknowledge and follow the perceived leader of the group after all those mis-spoken foopa's. I am unreasonable I know it.

Boy, that was a record rant. Sorry about that.

Everything is as it is. Because it is not as it not is. If that makes sense. What I mean is, if someone is paranoid, then that is just how things turned out for them. So cut them a bit of slack. Its easy for people to criticise and say 'this is how you should be..', but it is impossible to change fate, so that kind of critisism, although meant to be constructive, is just useless.
Try and put yourself in other peoples shoes, and just think, they are who I would be if I had been born as them. Dont try and think how you wouldve done things better...Just think how it must be for them in the present, and how hard things must be for a paranoid...not being able to trust anyone. It is very debilitating. Trust me (even tho i wouldnt ).

Paul wrote::D
Sigmund Freud says, that paranoids are angry, and its the hostile feelings toword others that been projected out, that is: you want to do to them, but you are so frightened of you angry impulses, the whole hostility becomes They want to do to me!

that's a new way of looking at paranoia...

But from my experience... I wasn't angry. more like afraid that they would do to me what was done to me before.

Wow, at first sight I would disagree with that, out of sheer reluctance to admit my paranoia might be caused by my wanting to do bad to others. But, I cannot deny in my dreams, I am always being persecuted, and I feel my being abused is a guise for wanting to have motive to lash out. Like subconciously I am wanting them to do bad things to me, so I can do bad to them, but I cant just do bad to them without an excuse because then I would conciously feel as if I had wronged someone.
Its like a clash between morality and revenge.