Is this possible?

I've got kind of an odd question. Please bare with me, lol.
From the time I was about 13 until maybe four or so years ago, I was really paranoid. Everytime someone laughed (even total strangers) I thought they were laughing at me. I hated sitting with my back to people because I'd worry that they were going to attack me or something. Obviously all of this made me really nervous and anxiety stricken to the point where it was very noticable to other people.
I was constantly suspicious of my friends and apparently frightened them pretty badly at times. Sometimes we could all joke around and I'd be fine. Other times, at the slightest provocation, I'd "flip out" and go into a rage.
One time in particular this behavior really frightened me. I was with 5 other people. We had went to see a movie and had taken two cars (2 of us in one car, 4 in the other). After the movie I mistook a strangers car for mine and tried getting inside. Obviously it did not work and my friends started laughing. I went absolutely nuts...yelling I was going to kill them or whatnot. I SWORE that as I was yelling they were looking at me with big smirks on their faces.
From the theatre we all went out to eat. I was calm by that time. One of my friends approached me and said "Dude, please don't do that again". I told him that I would not have gotten so mad if they had not been smirking like that. All of them swore - straight faced and obviously somewhat frightened - that they were NOT smirking.

Anyway, over the following years I (think I) learned how to deal with this. First off, I stopped myself from getting too close to anyone...basically to the point where I did not especially care if they "backstabbed" me or not. With strangers it's been harder. Here is a typical example of something that would happen:
I'm in my car at a stop sign and I see a pedestrian waiting to cross the street. I wave him to go. He crosses, but gives me a 'funny' look. Immediatly - at light speed - my mind starts thinking something like: "That guy is a gang. He's writing down my license number. He knows a cop. The cop will look up the address and find where I live. The gang member and his friends will break into my house and beat me up or kill me."
I can "feel" these thoughts, almost like a second mind that overlays my normal consciousness. What I've learned to do, over the years, is "mute" that second mind somehow. I have to "mute" it right away though, or the paranoid thoughts will burst in and - even though I KNOW they are not realistic thoughts - overtake me with the result being that I'll be stressed for a week.

Now here is my current (over the last fews years) situation. This paranoia, as I said, has lessened somewhat....either that or I'm just finding ways to cope. The thing is, something else is going on, and I'm not sure what it means.
I seem to be getting MUCH more 'distant' from others. All my emotions are numbing and I feel somewhat "out in space". I don't change my clothes or shower as often as I used to. It's like I just don't care. My house is real messy. Also, I used to be great at public speaking and with the spoken word in general. Now it seems (and perhaps it's only in my mind) as if my words are more "jumbled up" somehow.....I might use the wrong words or might mix up the sentence.
I used to think that somehow I was becoming less intelligent...like I had some sort of brain damage. But I've taken a bunch of online intelligence tests as well as an "offical" MENSA test, and I still score just as high as I used to.

My question is, could my paranoia be "shifting" into some other kind of disorder? I've heard that PPD can foreshadow actual schizophrenia. I mean, I'm not hallucinating or anything....but I know something is "not right" with me and I'm pretty sure most people who are close to me - if they were being honest - would agree.
Anyway, what do you all think?

I'm not a professional but it does sound to me that you have some paranoia tendencies-- however-- you realizing your "unhealthy" thinking and working to adjust it--- is a huge step in a good direction!
I have a very hard time convincing myself that my thinking is skewed-- it seems very real to me at the time. So you being able to re-think thngs is really great-- IMO.

About your "distancing" from others, and feeling numb, not taking care of your surroundings and yourself--- like I said-- I'm not a professional-- but all those signs to me--- point to Depression. I've been to several therapists ( I quit after I feel it's becoming too threatening for me)-- they have all told me how the "numb" is actually depression. I've expereinced this a lot and have been told-- deep depression-- is actually NOT feeling anything-- not caring about anything-- isolating and not taking care of ones daily needs-- like food or personal hygiene.

Well, there you have my take on it. Good luck to you.

mariposa

Thanks very much for responding!
I've been keeping busy here, reading through all the forums. I almost wonder if part of my problem is related to AvPD and/or SPD as well as paranoia. It seems like I've got features of all of these, but I could just as easily be mistaking one set of symptoms for another.
It seems like around strangers I'm more avoidant, but it can flair up into the sort of weird paranoia I mentioned in my last post. With my friends, the root of it I feel was AvPD like, in that ultimately I feared abandonment...yet that seemed to have paranoid qualities to it as well. In romantic relationships as well, this is the general quality.
Yet there is also this totally uncaring quality to it. I was thinking SPD, but depression could work there as well. It's confusing, and I know I'm going to need to see someone to get it all straightened out.
I have overcome some of it, but as I've mentioned, it's getting worse in other ways. I've recently got a new job...a career, actually. For reasons relating to the things mentioned in this post and my last, I've never been able to hold onto a job long. I REALLY don't want to blow this new opportunity. I think that is the major reason I'm on this board and want to seek some kind of treatment.

I do know what you mean when you say:

"I have a very hard time convincing myself that my thinking is skewed-- it seems very real to me at the time. "

What helped me with this was a long period of isolation. I had lost all my friends, so pretty much had no social life. I worked, but was so quiet and withdrawn that nobody ever talked to me.
Without any relationships to get paranoid over my mind became much 'calmer'. I could then look back on past situations and figure out what I had done wrong and how I might be able to prevent similar situations from happening in the future.
It's been harder dealing with the paranoia brought on by strangers, but I think just being aware of the fact that I have these tendancies allows me to at least partially control them.

Before I even read mariposa's reply, I said "depression" out loud to myself when you were describing your more recent problems. I was very depressed several years ago, and I now recognize the symptoms. You are broadcasting them loud and clear.

Withdrawing from everyone is a hard thing to do. Humans are social animals, no matter how much you may think otherwise. It is how we are made to be. Ostracizing yourself may have helped you become more "self aware," but it sounds like it is becoming costly in the long term to your emotional health.

Whether you choose to take meds (Zoloft worked for me) or not, I can only recommend that you talk to a therapist. I've seen a few good ones in my day, and they can be very helpful. Just find one you like and trust (which may be even harder for you than most). But the fact remains: you need the help and expertise of an impartial professional to sort out your problems and find solutions. I know that being "in the doldrums" as I call it makes this hard to do. You don't want to get up and do jack $#%^, but just do it. Just make an appointment and go. One foot in front of the other...

Thanks for the reply Chickadee. I can't say I disagree with anything you've said. I think I've gotten to that stage where I've done all I can for myself without some kind of outside professional help. I have not been in therapy for 11 years, and my experience at that time was disappointing. I'll just have to take your advice, do some research, and find a therapist I am comfortable with.
Thanks again.