Where to start?

Quick discription of my situation. Hubby and I are in our mid
40's. He has been verbally abusive for years. He has been
particulary mean to our daughter. She's 17 now. We have been
together for 20 years.
At first I thought he had an anger problem. So we went to a
marriage councelor. She told me to leave him before it became
physical. That was 15 years ago.
I didn't. I take my vows seriously and I knew the man inside of
him was still there. It started getting warse and he would "kitchen
sink" argue.
For example... Hubby and I along with our daughter ( 12 at the
time) were out shooping for a used car. Nice day..out to lunch ,
etc, etc. We stopped at a convience store. I asked if daughter
wanted a drink. " No thank you " she replied. Hubby asked for a
soda. Daughter said...." Mommy, if he's getting a soda will you get
me pne too?" Sure I said. And off I went into the store.
When I got back to the car our daughter was crying to the point of
hic cuping ,sobbing, hard to breath... you get the picture.
Anyway... what happened was he was so inraged that she referred to
him as "he" that he spent the next few minutes screaming at her
about her disrespect, her "attitude" and she better change. he
called her a little bitch and told her she was "hard to love".
Just typing some of this is making my stomach hurt.
Anyway...time goes on. He lapses into inexpicable rages. I give
ultimatumes. He goes to the Dr. Diagnosed with depression. On Prozak
for years. Very little help.
I spent most of my time trying to be a buffer between her and him.
Sadly his outbursts have little effect on her anymore. She has
become resigned? used to? them. She feels little towards him most of
the time now. But sometimes....just sometimes, she too can see him
in there somewhere.
Then due to a head on and 5 spinal surgeries he is 100% disabled
and on Social security disabilty and I know thats a blow to his ego.
He was always the first one to work and the last to leave. Which I
understand is typical of a person with PPD.
So now life is worse. And he has become more paraniod over time.
Here is a brief discription of his last two outbursts. Driving from
NC to NJ he starts a fight. Lord only knows what started it. But
after I suggested that he seek therapy he ended up saying something
like " Oh you'de like that would'nt you? My freedom means too much
to me" When I asked him to explain that statement he said I would
try to have him put away. !!!!! Sheeesh!!!
I should mention that his mom has Paranoid schizophrenia and his
brother is Bi Polar
The last one ( and there are many, many, many) was about a dream..
He dreams often about me cheating on/ leaving him.
So it's the morning and I walk into the bedroom and ask if he wants
some coffee. He laughs and says " No...ya cheatin bitch. He did say
it kidding around. But I guess I had the wrong reaction. I rolled my
eyes and said.. " Oh no..." He asked if I wanted to hear the dream.
I said no. I don't like hearing dreams like that. He said I was
belittling him. I said I wasn't. I just get tired of hearing those
types of things. he said he would listen to my dream if I had had
one. I said I had maybe 2 dreams like that in our 20 years together.
He said "yeah.. But I have been having them more often lately." I
said " I would still rather not have you describe them to me. I find
them upsetting" And I walked out to fetch the coffee. But I heard
him mutter that I was an " insensitve bitch" under his breath. I
twirled around and let him have it. I just can't take it much more.
It's like .... He'll say something..then think about what he
thinks I'm going to say and it doesn't matter WHAT i say...he reacts
to what he thought I said. I double back in an arguement and he'll
quote things wrong, out of context, or that weren't said at all!
Anyway...thanks for letting me vent. Does therapy help? I dont know
if I cant take it much longer. It's starting to effect my health.
High blood pressure, acid reflex etc.etc.
Any suggestions?
Karen

Reading your post was alot like experiences I've had. I have been with my fiance on and off for 12 years with the last 6 being steady.

We did go to couples counseling 4 years ago, but he would only tell half stories in which I looked like a witch and he looked like a great guy. I would call him on this in front of her, but problem was he just wouldn't own his own behavior, words, etc. So it failed to help us.

He's very good at hiding, locking up things for fear that someone in our family household is going to steal from him. He's a great manipulator, nothing is ever his fault only a reaction to the people around him if he blows it's because so and so made him.

What he spends money on, it's none of my business, but has me provide receipts for him before giving me money. Makes huge (thousands of dollars) purchases without talking with me, yet gives me crap for buying household items such as detergent, toilet paper, etc.

He drinks daily, hide's it from me and when caught will outright deny he was doing it.

He minimizes his behavior, exaggerates mine, recalls situations and statements that never happened or greatly over exaggerates, turns it around so it's all me and not him and won't talk to me for literally weeks blaming me the whole time for something I didn't say or do.

He tries to pull crap on our son, but I call him on it and for whatever reason he will back down.

Will not apologize for anything and is never wrong! Ever. His behavior is only a reaction to what I, or others have done to him, therefore justified. Or he is so unbearable that eventually I blow and then all his behavior is excused, because I lost it.

I could go on and on, but bottom line is the only time I saw a glimpse of hope was when I had completely given up on us and was planning on leaving. What he said and did no longer bothered me I simply stopped caring. He sought therapy and started anti-depressant meds all on his own. He was such a different person, sweet, kind, thoughtful, compassionate. As soon as I relented and was hopeful that finally we could be a great loving couple, he quit his meds, therapy and resumed heavy drinking.

Right now it's 1:30 a.m. and I don't even know if what I've wrote makes sense, but I have a question for you.

Does your husband portray a "great husband, father, friend" in front of others to which everyone thinks he great and can't believe he would act,say or do the things you tell them but behind closed doors is like a wild animal? How are they able to contain themselves in front of others, but not behind closed doors?

He's a great manipulator, nothing is ever his fault only a reaction to the people around him if he blows it's because so and so made him.

This is a great observation. Because paranoids expect danger at any moment, from anybody, and when they think that you INTENTIONALLY did something, they counter attack, it makes sense to them, to deter you from further attack

Does your husband portray a "great husband, father, friend" in front of others to which everyone thinks he great and can't believe he would act,say or do the things you tell them but behind closed doors is like a wild animal? How are they able to contain themselves in front of others, but not behind closed doors?

Absolutely. Paranoids great at introducing themselves, I belive NoBody can suspect that such a balanced person has a vindictive double, and because they are conditioned to be in a sedative-hypnotic state, that is exactly why they appear to be so charismatic, otherwise there is nothing about them to be attractive.

I think my next point is extremely important.
because entire paranoid's personality is based on the [Reward and Punishment] thinking pattern. They are (unconsciously) very good at at radiating the image of a giving, generous, compassionate person, as if the person, indirectly, imprisons the other person, that this person, is everything you want. That is why they are so charismatic first, but when you know them better and you step on their sensitive paranoid areas (grandiose, jealousy, deceit, vulnerability to hurt...etc), the punishing personality takes over.

I was reading S Melissa's reply. I feel that my husband has PPd and can change his personality immediately to make himself look great and magnifies anything wrong I do to the point that he makes me look really bad. I feel totally imprisoned because he says that if I try to leave, he will fight me for the kids. I would stay with him if that's the alternative, but I wonder why he wants me if I'm such a bad person in his mind. I really think he needs me but feels that taking away my self esteem is his way of making me afraid to make the move. Could your fiance be an alcoholic instead of having PPD? Just wondering. Perhaps a little of both. My husband doesn't drink too much, but when he drinks he can't stop and buys the whole bar rounds. Other than that he rarely drinks and complains if I ever have a drink or two and acts like I'm the big partier in the family. Another point is that you said your fiance was better on medications. My husband tried Wellbutrin because I thought he had depression and it made him so much more paranoid. I was mad at first that he quit taking it, but them he got a little better, but not rid of the PPD. I recently read that was a sign of PPD when antidepressants hightened the paranoia.