How paranoia stopped me from doing things

I just wanted to share a story about how paranoia stopped me from doing things.

I currently have a wonderful girlfriend at the moment who is helping me, but this was during my adolescence. She is beautiful, sweet and has changed my way of how I thought of relationships.. She clearly understands me, even though she knows I don't like her hanging around with other guys.

This girl who lived (still does) up the road from mine had a boyfriend who dumped her and she was left feeling suicidal, unwanted and miserable. She was sad about everything that was present, me and her have mutual friends whom they would see her at the park. During her recent breakup, I just wanted to just some support even though I hardly knew her and right from that unpredictable moment, she was hooked onto me. She was known for usually switching guy to guy but she claimed the words I said were intriguing and "brightened" up her day, whatever that means. I pointed out she was being a little too clingy but she never saw through.

From that day on she always wanted to arrange us two meeting at our suburb's soccer park and would always give love hearts and text me daily (we talked through mobile phone and I always comforted her). I don't know why I even supported or comforted her, I didn't even empathize or remotely gave a sh*t about the breakup, I blame it on my impulses. She would then talk about me at school all day to her friends about me saying that I'm hot, perfect, loveable and last and LEAST, "he's different from the other guys", yeah you can say that again, none of your boyfriends were mental, b*tch.

Through comforting, texting and arranging meetings that would always be cancelled.. Through our mutual friends during the time she was suicidal, I had the chance to meet her. Me and my friends waited at the soccer park for her so we could all go to the mall together, when she came, the first thing that came to my mind was, "should I bring this girl into my life, yeah that one who whines about everything even though she is loved by many people".. The day was fairly awkward and she seemed sad and would play this weird-ass game where she would stand in front of the road and one of us had to save her or drag her to the side. I'm glad one of my friends we were with said "attention seeking crazy bi*ch", because he pointed out the truth. When we reached the nearest shop, the only most dearest thing I did for her was buy her an energy drink. The day was fairly awkward and when it reached late afternoon, me and her were left with each other and I had to watch her home and comfort her. The walk home wasn't awkward and she was sweet and was adorable, but her powers didn't work on me, I saw through her. We sat at the soccer park just going through all the sh*t we've been through and how she pointed out she attempted self-harm and I said in my head "there are far more worse people than you " and she claimed the boyfriend dumped her for no reason and how people were threatening him. During that time, she was still desired to get her boyfriend back.

I was reluctant to become her new boyfriend, she almost seemed like an impotent teenager needing a boy-toy to vent off to. I felt like I was a weakness and was seen vulnerable to others if I was in that position as being used by her until she felt better. Everyone must agree with me on this, during adolescence, breakups don't end well unless there is a settlement between the two of them. The reason that stopped me from becoming her new boyfriend was because I had the belief that I would be known to many people (since she is popular) and things would spread about us and how if we broke up there might be triggered-conflict such as spreading, rumors, getting hateful messages or getting threats off her friends.. I didn't want that and the best thing I did was not get in with her.

She openly admitted that she loved me and gave me massive paragraph on what she thought of me and all that bullsh*t and I honestly couldn't give two sh*ts about it because my delusions were causing so much obstruction I was pessimistic about the thought of relationships. Relationship breakups are messed up, and I don't like being hated on. I discovered that to manage delusions that I should keep a moral-coded set of principles I stand by which makes me avoid situations (except the ones that are inevitable) that seem threatening invading to me. Most of the time, the delusions were wear off eventually but some just stay with me, through and through. I see the delusion sometimes as friend, something that is saying, "what if".. "what if" the doctor didn't check up properly, "what if" that food is poisoned. "what if" this girl will commit suicide if you break up with her.

What I'm trying to say is, paranoia ruined the perception of a relationship, if I were to be with her, I would honestly think we would last long but I would be the one doing the breakup and she would fall suicidal again. She went suicidal after a relationship that lasted a month, the dude seemed barely like a good companion, imagine our relationship that lasted with a guy like me who seemed, according to her definition, "perfect". I couldn't handle the belief that if she would've committed suicide, that there would be so much hate coming down my way, physical threats and probably would've drove me crazy and made me, infiltrate frenzy mode and I would lose my sh*t, next stop, psych ward by court order. The worry of being hated or rejected or stormed down with a bad name is in the same equality as my worry of what I am impulsively capable of.

Anyways, she eventually became bored of me after a month or two and she had a boyfriend a few months later to some gay-looking dude who I wanted to bash for no reason.

That is just an example of a belief or fear that I had. I would also have thoughts where I would been non-dominant in the relationship and that she would manipulate me or drag me into things I didn't want to do.

Like I said, I have my own set of moral principles now and I'm doing fine, I'm glad that I never really did anything violent as a paranoid person. If a person threatened me or my family, that is when I'm most deluded because the belief that they would actually do bad things is bad, it makes me feel.. weak, unethical and last but not least, worried. I don't even like the thought of some of my mates knowing where I live, even though they are harmless.

I'm hopefully going to briefly open up to my therapist about this in a few weeks time, and pray to God that I'm not as delusional.