Mother has PDD; Family hurt

I didn't know about PDD until recently, but I always knew my mother wasn't always there.

Most of my life, I just went along with what she wanted or thought. The idea was to keep the peace. If that meant compromising my feelings, my wants, my thoughts, my opinions, my morals... lying, avoiding her, giving up... whatever, I just did it. Because all of it hurt less than getting into a fight with her. Getting into a fight where she will never admit any fault. Never apologize for the hurtful things she says or accuses.

In general things went well enough. But now I am married, and I am finding that it is becoming a necessity to stand up for myself. She simply cannot do and say as she pleases without retribution. Our fights have come to a head. Before if she wanted to come down and stay with me for the weekend, I rearranged all other plans the best I could to make that happen, because any other sacrifice was easier than asking her to reschedule for any reason, because that conversation would eventually turn into her being convinced that I did not want to see her because I hate her and don't love her.

Now I cannot avoid her problem the way I used to. I have a wife and a career that must sometimes come first. Eventually I will have kids as well. When I put my foot down about my wedding there was fights. When I put my foot down about plans surrounding my father's funeral (they had been divorced for 10+ years and she had remarried someone else, but still hurt and criticized me about my decisions) there were fights. I finally had to write her a long letter about how I felt and about how her behavior, whether she could control it or not, was inexcusable and hurtful.

I feel like the rest of the family is upset with me. My words were harsh, but not untrue. Nonetheless, she has essentially had a breakdown and been to various clinics and doctors which have diagnosed her with PDD. Her parents and a brother of mine and her husband are taking her to these places and caring for her, and I don't know how to support (I live about 3 hours away). I feel they are mad at me, or worse, disappointed, because I confronted her, which we all know is counterproductive, hurtful, and never comes to anything. But I didn't confront her to be constructive, I knew she wouldn't "get it".. I did it to be truthful. To stop the lying and the game playing. I am sorry for everything they are having to go through now, since they are closer in proximity to her and they are taking her to counseling and paying for it, but I am also hurt that they are disappointed in me. Am I wrong to have stood up for myself?

I don't know what to do because I live too far away to openly support her with trips to clinics. I don't have the money to help significantly. She doesn't trust my words or actions. Lying and agreeing with her would seem to support her condition, but telling her the truth hurts her, and invariably my family, because they are the ones that have to take her to counseling and deal with her.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know what the best thing to do to support someone with PDD is. I don't know what the best thing to do as a son is. I don't know what to do as a part of my family is. And I don't know what the best thing to do as a husband and for my own life is.

A lot of people on this forum seem to talk about problems with someone with PDD as though it involves only two people - themself and the person with PDD. How do you cope with their family and your family? It's like there is a web where everything everyone does or says about mom invariably effects others as well. I will always love mom no matter what pain comes with it, but can and will my wife? My mom's parents can drop everything to take mom to a clinic, but can and should I? It feels like I'm at an en passe where any decision or indecision will lead to a lot of sacrifice and pain.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions on how to make tough decisions about how you handle those in your life with PDD, and then how you manage to accept those decisions and find a way to keep moving forward. And please share any suggestions you might have on how to explain your actions and decisions to your family, and explain how despite your choices, you still love and want to support those with PDD.

This forum has been very helpful, and while relating to other people in similar situations is a relief, in a way it's kind of scary, because it makes everything a little more... real... if that makes sense.

Thank you

Hi, MDROP3! You have done your best to stand up for yourself but spare your mother too, you used to change everything to make her feel more comfortable. It's not her fault that she's ill, but it's not yours either and you shouldn't blame yourself for not being able to do more.
If other family members are more able to help her right now, that's just how things are. You could call her and tell her that you love her from time to time and maybe try to avoid any strange conversation... It sounds like that won't be easy, though.
If your family is upset with you, it's kind of their problem. You didn't ask for this to happen and you tried your best to be good to her, you didn't know what kind of illness she has. You could ask the family members who look after her if you can help with anything and explain why you felt the need to stand up for yourself and that you never intended to hurt your mother.
Stick around, hopefully more people will have advice.

Hello MDROP3,

You are doing everything right. In fact, you should be happy and relieved that your mother is seeking help. My mother also has PPD, and someday I hope she will seek help.

What is frustrating is that the rest of your family isn't willing to see her issues and confront the real person with the problem. Does your mom treat them as unfairly as she treats you? If so, then they should obviously see the problem. If not, then you have to brave it alone. (I am guessing she does treat everyone like you because it's been my experience that the paranoia isn't contained to just one person).

Overall, it's great if you can help out your mom when you can. But in the end, I have come to find that at a certain point you just can't compromise yourself any longer and you have to say "no more!" or else you yourself will go crazy.

Kat

I totally understand how you feel. The guilt and hurt is unbearable. She has brainwashed you over the years into feeling guilty and it is like you question everything you do and say because it may offend her or someone may take you wrong or not understand. I truly think that is her thinking that has someone carried over into your life. I do the same thing myself. I question everything.. nothing is ever good enough what will others think. I know it is hard, but you can only do what you can do. Let them know you are concerned, but you must live your own life. Put your wife and family (if you have children) first and foremost in your life. It hurts and there is a hole there. Know there are others who are going through the same thing. A few things that have helped me.. *mod edit* and books on paranoia. Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry [Paperback]
Albert Bernstein (Author) and Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers by Martin Kantor.

I agree that you need to stand up for yourself. Some people--ppd or not can be manipulators. Let your siblings thing what they want. It's not your fault she had a breakdown. It is her mind. Don't pick up that baggage.

thanks, I am looking up that book. After years of hiding, now i can be free of all that turmoil. My mother has PPD.

I decided to look up personality disorders today again at a library, and was looking for myself...and saw my mom,...and got it, she is PPD too. WOW, finally a clear name for her primary problem.

I just discovered my mother has the same, and I feel like a weight has been taken off my mind. I've always wondered why I could never prove to her that my intentions were sincere, if I was disagreeing with her it was disrespect, if I confronted her about her explosive behavior ,I was "attacking" her. If I didn't reply to her constant attempts of contact in a timely fashion, she wasn't loved. My mother has always expressed doubts that her children loved her, that we didn't need her, we "teamed up" against her. And when she felt she was being pressed to look at her actions she got nasty, accusatory, and coldly dissmissive. Finally I have an explanation for it, though she probably won't admit to it, or accept that she has it, at least I know I'm not crazy. I totally and completely feel your pain and don't feel guilty for doing the right thing and bringing her to her truth, I think it's the best thing you could do for her.

I grew up with a father with PPD & he was definitely abusive at times. I don't think he got paranoid about his children not loving him (maybe it's a masculine thing) but he did get upset that we'd let him down by getting a B on report card or something ridiculous like that and he was always blowing up at some imagined slight. At other times, though, he could be very generous & I wouldn't doubt that he loved us. It did lead to our family being very isolated. I can't remember ever going out to eat & my parents had no friends and my father would spend lots of time committing petty acts of revenge over imagined slights. He'd fill out magazine subscriptions in other peoples' names and do similar stupid $#%^. I remember seeing him vandalize someone's car once because he thought that another person he had just argued with had called up this car's driver & have him/her park the car in such a way as to make it difficult for him to pull out of a driveway.

Hi,

I am here because I came across these posts when desperately searching the topic of Paranoid Personality Disorder. I would like to say that I took solace from reading others accounts but I only feel sadness and hollow to know other people suffer like my mother and I do. My mother has PPD in its most severe form and she continues to decline gradually cutting herself off from everyone close to her. The disease has gripped her to such an extent that she thinks that x partners go into her home and break things, food is poisoned and that I control her phone, tell everyone she is ill and have some way of monitoring her even though I live three hours away. The list is very long here and I could go on but won't.

I am 35 and grew up in the most unconventional way and didn't have a great childhood lets say. I always knew my mother was eccentric and as a teenager this was something I liked about her at times. However when I returned home after university she suffered what I now know to be a 'paranoid psychotic episode' and she was sectioned. She was forced to take medication which she would battle as much as possible and lost a huge amount of weight. She did make some sort of recovery from this and returned to work for a period of time. However she was never quite the 'same'. I put the word same in quotes because in recent years I have thought about her past and the events before I was even born and came to the conclusion that my mother was never quite right. I think that back in the 70's doctors had no idea about mental health conditions and I believe they don't know anything about PPD today either. I once managed to get my mother to make an appointment with a doctor / mental health nurse (she believed that it would prove to me for once and for all that she was right and perfectly sane) and my mother rambled on to the ' professional' and then I was let in to the room and I told the nurse directly my mother had a problem with paranoia and I was told.....there is nothing wrong with your mother she is just suffering after a break up. This experience haunts me to this day as I was absolutely floored and speechless that on the one only occasion I could have been offered help for her that this incompetent nurse responded in this way. My mother is very astute/intelligent and convincing especially when she needs to put it on for a doctor. Even health professionals do not know how to deal with this condition or even know details about it.

The problem is that this is the only condition where the ill person will never get help because of the nature of their illness. I believe that there should be a 'duty of care' and when things become extreme like in my mothers case then forced intervention is necessary in the interests of the patient. This obviously needs to be assessed and dealt with on a case by case basis while consulting with the family very closely. I am frustrated that this isn't happening and people like my mother will decline and fade away in misery and nothing can / will be done to help them. Its tragic and the impact on my own life is great. I have no help or support from anyone but fortunately a new partner in my life is supportive and tries to understand as much as he can. However I find that unless this has happened to you then its too much for the average person to comprehend. This makes me feel that no one understand me and what I go through and how I have lived and why. I suppose I am reaching out to ask...is there anyone going through this too? How do you cope? I find it very difficult.

Just this weekend she tried to visit but her accusations and behaviour towards me was unbearable. There was crying, refusal to eat and everything I did was a conspiracy towards her. It was nothing less than a living hell.