Mother has PDD; Family hurt

Hi mistletoe,

I myself found this blog because i am convinced my mother too has PPD. She too has never been quite "right" and I shrugged it off like this was her personality and just dealt with it. I have had issues with her for as long as I can remember (I am 37 now.) There was a time I went to sleep over my friends house when I was a kid. My friend's parents took us out for ice cream (I was supposed to call my mother to let her know I was leaving my friends house for ANYTHING) and I didn't call. well she found out, started screaming at me over the phone, came to my friends house and flipped out on her parents for taking me to go get ice cream and literally dragged me out of her house and made me come home. I had never been so embarrassed in my life! When I met my husband that's when things got REAlLY bad. She couldn't give up her control over me and while I was becoming a woman and starting a life of my own, she got worse.

I've had many, many fights with her over little things that blew up into BIG. I've always felt like I needed to walk on eggshells around her to avoid a fight. I felt I always had to give her HER way. There are so many incidents but one that really sticks out is when my son was an infant (he is now 12) my husband and I were living with my mother (my father died when I was 8 years old and she needed help financially). My husband had lost his grandfather, the first major death in his family and this hit him very hard. My mother got upset about something (i can't remember the exact specifics as to what) and said something nasty to my grieving husband. I had had enough and finally put my foot down and stuck up for my husband. Needless To Say this did not go over well and ended up with my husband, infant son, and myself packing up our stuff and leaving at 1am with nowhere to go. She had no remorse whatsoever!

We eventually went to my in laws who let us stay until we could find an apartment. We finally did.
About 10 months went by and my mother couldn't keep up with her bills and would call me crying. so my husband and I felt bad and moved back in. (BIG mistake #1). Again living with my mother, it was HER rules and if they weren't followed it was hell. We eventually learned to keep to ourselves and again, those eggshells...Fast forward to maybe a year in, fight after fight and my husband and I found an apartment again and left. Than full circle, the phone calls from my mother, the crying, the threat of foreclosure on her house, my husband and I got a mortgage and bought the house, with the stipulation my mother could live there until she could retire and get senior housing. (BIG Mistake #2)

Fast forward, 5 years past (and BIG mistake # 3), and aside from one major fight, things had been surprisingly civil! Mostly because we always gave in to her bossiness and control. I even let her have control over my child where she was buying him food and snacks and giving him lunch and dinner. I had asked her to please let me feed my own kid, and it turned into a fight. I apparently didn't trust her, or appreciate her help, blah blah blah... so I let it go (BIG mistake #4).

Than the real "fun" started! My husband lost his job and we started having financial difficulties ourselves. We decided to rent a few rooms in the house to some friends and receive rental income. This was working out great! Until the paranoia set in. All of a sudden my mother would flip out because some of her milk was missing, things weren't where she left them in her room, there are only 6 pieces of bread left when their were 8. The woman started to MARK her milk with a marker to keep track of it and installed a lock on her door.

She really didn't like one of our friends who rented a room in our basement, and I never could get out of her exactly why except that he was a deadbeat (her words). when I would say how he helps out around the house ie. Shoveling us out in the winter while my husband was out plowing, taking out the garbage barrels, mowing the lawn. she would accuse me of sticking up for him and acting like he was a god! Um, no just pointing out facts that he's not the bad guy she was so convinced he was!

Than YESTERDAY I came home from work and she flipped out again about my rentee that he hit her car in the driveway. I went outside with her to look at her car, it was a scuff on a car that had many, many dents and dings and scratches. I told her, that's not too bad, i'm sure it was an accident. And that's when the WORLD exploded! I was a wretched bitch who kissed his ass and always sticking up for him and she was useless. I tried to ignore her and let her go off on her tangent but she just didn't STOP! I told her enough, that not everyone in the world is out to get her, she just stormed away.

My tenant came home and she went right over to him and started to yell at him about her car. She showed him the scuff, he apologized and said if he hit it, he didn't realize it and what could he do. her answer was CLEAN IT! He said Ok. She stormed in the house and said, "I TOLD YOU HE HIT IT" Again I ignored it. Now, my husband and I were being nosey when they were talking outside and could only hear muffled voices, so when they came in, and my mother went up to her room, I told my husband to go down to see our friend and ask what was said. He did, and apparently my mother must have heard him because about 15 minutes later, my husband got a text message that said, "how nice of you to go down and comfort him". Now she was bringing my husband into this and he didn't do anything wrong. So i took a deep breath and went to her door, knocked and she opened. I said, "listen I told him to go down and ask what happen, so keep him out of this." she just kept yelling and screaming at me and wouldn't let me talk. so I finally said, "OK I think you should leave" and she did. But not before yelling, "I hope your son doesn't starve to death!" Really?

That was last night at around 6pm. I haven't heard from her since. She took 2 trash bags of stuff got in her car and left. Last time she did this she told my entire family that I kicked her out, I can only imagine where she is and what she's saying happen. Its only a matter of time before my whole family hates me because she will turn on her tears and the "oh poor me's" and I will be the bad guy.

It hurts, because I love her, I mean she's my mom! But the verbal abuse and control just came to a head and I couldn't take it anymore. i don't want her to move back in, and I know I need to stay strong, but she is so manipulative and turns on the water works and I always feel so bad for her. I know that's exactly what she wants though, and emotionally I just can't handle her anymore! My own mental health can't take it anymore! I need to stay strong for my own family and focus my life on them, not her. She 's a grown woman and is completely able to take care of herself. But I have to keep reminding myself of that, and sometimes its hard and instincts kick in and you WANT to be there for your mother who is "suffering" but at what point do you realize you are suffering too or worse!

So mistletoe, to answer your question, No, you are not alone. I have dealt with this my whole life but finally realize that it's not my fault, that there is something mentally wrong with this woman and I am convinced it is PPD. I know my extended family is going to turn on me, because she's going to make me sound like an awful person, but I am religious and I believe God knows what's in my heart and what's in her's and that's all that matters. I will always love my mother, doesn't mean I have to like her all the time, and I definitely cannot live under the same roof. I finally realize that taking care of myself mentally so I can take care of my son and love my husband are what's important. I will always pray for my mom and hope she finds happiness someday.

Stay strong, mistletoe. I can't tell you yet if it gets better but it has to, I guess!

My mother has, I am fairly certain, PPD. It was difficult growing up in the household with a mother whose thoughts were not based in reality. Did anyone experience a lot of "noise in their head" because of a mother like this? I was in therapy for over 20 years myself, but now feel a bit more comfortable around her. She is now 92. I drop her off at the grocery since she is unable to drive. I call her, but end the conversation when it becomes odd. I change the subject often. When she says something hateful to me, I repeat it to her because she does not understand how her words make me feel. It is odd that she can be seemingly "normal" around her friends, but then has a break. I have made peace with her condition. She could probably be better if she would just swallow a pill to help with her anxiety, but she won't. I wear earplugs when I am around her and I have asked her to not talk when I drive her 3 hours to a family reunion. To make a longish story shorter, I have adapted. I feel ok that I can care for her without suffering like I used to