I am sick and tired of being paranoid!

I'm extremely paranoid of all of my friends. I could have an amazing day out with them, enjoy the whole thing, smile for hours on end, laugh like there's no tomorrow, and it'll all go to waste. As soon as one friend says "Thanks, I had a great time", my mind gets thinking. There's no way they really had that great of a time, they must be saying that to make it look like we're really friends! As if it's clockwork, within an hour of someone complementing me, or thanking me, I will be utterly convinced they hate me, and I will be angry at them for deceiving me. The thing is, it's not my conscious mind. Right now, I know that all of my friends are amazing people who would never do anything like that. But in the back of my mind is a suggestion that maybe, just maybe, they're not. Maybe they're all plotting against me. It all makes sense! I am sick of it! Today is my best friend's birthday. I had an amazing time, and after giving her her gift, she thanked me and gave me an amazing complement. I was in heaven, because I had this euphoric sense of mattering to someone. Someone appreciated me, and enjoyed spending time with me. But then, the little thought in the back of my head started creeping forward. Right on time, I started hating her for betraying me. I realized that made no sense, but somehow... it did. I can't explain it, but it just felt right to assume that there's no way we can actually be friends. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I do know that I am DONE feeling this way. Please, someone, tell me what to do. I am willing to try ANYTHING to fix this. I can't live like this.

Hi,

From where do you believe these thoughts originate? I will hazard a guess by saying that you have low self confidence...? If you do, then paranoid thoughts like yours can come and go, especially in relation to social situations. Please refute my claim if it is not applicable to you.

Whatever the case, try to not think too much about these issues. I would argue that you obsess a little when even the slightest of doubts enters your head, and that this 'obsessing' just makes the doubts grow more pronounced. This is similar to how OCD develops, but I know that you have not mentioned any type of OCD behaviour in your post.

take care
Kevin

Hi Jorge,
I will say that it seems that Chucky may have been accurate in his speculation. Perhaps it is a matter of low self esteem or lack of confidence? Either way, I concur that you have to determine the underlying characteristics of your disorder and you have to develop an antithesis to them.

For example, if you happen to be shy because you worry about what people are thinking about you, you have to make daily efforts to break out of your comfort (timid) zone and eventually you'll develop new characteristics that will overshadow that particular paranoid trait.

Unfortunately there is no actual way of "getting rid" of your personality disorder. You could try to attend psychotherapy sessions but as you may already know, paranoids benefit the least from psychotherapy. Therefore I definitely think it will require a continuous conscious effort on your part.

I'm fairly paranoid myself. I've been out of the situation that causes me the most paranoia long enough to actually see the paranoia for what it is, which is both very liberating and depressing. At the moment, I know that most of my thoughts relating to the topic are irrational. The worst part of my paranoia is that it is mostly related to doctors, which somehow spills over to therapists. It's fantastic.

The reason why I'm posting it that I saw that Epigenetic posted that paranoids get the least out of therapy and my personal experience speaks to that. Does this mean that it will take longer for therapy to work for me or does this mean that I really can't gain much from it, ever? The level of anxiety from my paranoia has made it to nearly all faucets of my life and made them seem unbearable for hours or so at a time.

More to the point, I'm really trying to avoid medications, because
a) That involves more doctors. I'd need more medication from just seeing a doctor. I'm starting to trust my therapist, I just worry greatly about what mean things she might do to me "for my own good."
b) Medication involves risking side-effects and I like what my brain can do academically. I'm terrible at things that require memory, but I can overcome that and I'm pretty fairly top notch with mathematics and science.
c) I can always see when my reactions will be deemed socially inappropriate. This has been going on since I was a wee tot and I've been punished enough for more extreme reactions to know better than to act on them. It hurts like hell it keep it under control and I usually pay the price for "behaving" by lying in bed for hours afterward, going over and over what I just let "happen to me". However, I can function normally.

Some advice on the topic would be greatly appreciated.

Jorge, can I just say I deal with exactly what you're describing on an almost daily basis?

To respond to what Kevin's point was.. I have been fortunate enough to have a boyfriend patient enough to work with me most of the time through my episodes. Sometimes he gets frustrated but I know I would too if I were in his shoes. Anyways, I am having the best day ever, I am at the beach with all my best friends and boyfriend and we're laughing and swimming and the sun is shining! --AND I start interpreting-- my mind starts looking for 'something'. At first I can't figure out what's wrong and then I catch my girlfriend smiling and giggling with my boyfriend. She looks at me and waves for me to come over and I do reluctantly because now I am totally 100% sure she wants to a) take him from me b) sleep with both of us c) make fun of me or d) make me feel included so I don't think the previous things... There is nothing in this scenario that should make me think any of those things. If my boyfriend was not in the picture I would be thinking the same things minus a) and b) BUT I would still think she was sexually motivated.

I am loosing my point, I don't believe I suffer from low self esteem. I have lived a pretty fun life, have done a lot of great things, I am a good friend to others, and am not bad looking etc. but when I have one of my 'episodes' I jump from all of these things to none of them, I try to remind myself of them. I remind myself that there is nothing that gives evidence to ANYTHING that is going on in my mind.

But is all no use, once it starts it has to run its course. Sometimes it's quick and painless, other times I will become so terrified I can't speak or move. Sometimes it is friends and sometimes it is family. My loved ones, unable to help, leaving me to my misery. It never ends and I get so exhausted that I don't want to get out of bed.

I am horrified that therapy will be just as bad as my day to day living. It makes me not want to try, but I have got to have faith that there is something ANYTHING I can do to stop this. I don't want to live the next 20/40/60 years believing that people are inherently bad/mean/out to get me. I pray everyday for this to stop.

Obviously not everyone experiences paranoia for the same reasons, but I finally got so frustrated with my symptoms that I actually went through the really difficult process of explaining to my therapist WHY I experience the significant anxiety I had told her about. I was.almost immediately diagnosed with ptsd. I now have a treatment plan that already seems to be working and Id encourage everyone to be as honest as possible with therapists. Well, the god ones at least. They can actually help with this $#%^.