Concerned about daughter

I will not go into detail here as I know what I would suffer if my daughter stumbled across this. She doesn't realize, or care, that if I didn't love her, my life would be stress free if I walked away.
I have done my research and believe that my daughter is suffering from PPD. Some of her behavior leans toward NPD but most of it seems paranoid.
I am one of her enemies, which has been coming for a long time. Walking on egg shells and weighing every word apparantly doesn't work.
I am one of the many "toxic" people who tries to invade her "boundaries". There are only 5 at this time who do not fit that category. Those of us on the outside include her extended family, her husband's family, her ex-husband's family, her boss, most of her co-workers and anyone she had to deal with in day to day living.
What is the best way to approach this? I am extremely concerned about her and am saddened that she has banned me from her and my grandchildren.

Hey, Momma! Has your daughter been through anything that might be making her feel this way? You could try to get her to see a therapist. Maybe you could talk to her husband about this and see if he feels the same way you do and try to come up with a way to help her.
I'm sure your grandchildren will realise that you're not a bad person at some point and they will want to spend time with you. Don't give up.

Thank you for your interest. She went through a year of therapy a couple years ago which is where she learned the terms "toxic" and "boundaries". That seems to be about all she learned. If the term "do no harm" was discussed, it escaped her. She has way too many failed relationships...friends, work, family, for it always to be someone elses fault.
From birth she did not like being hugged and was reserved. Beginning at puberty, she became very judgmental and had few friends, never keeping them in her life for long. She was and is a very "cold" person, dumping her friends with no notice and no explanation. To her, anyone with marital or emotional problems is "weak". She often makes smirking and nasty remarks at people she deals with or just sees out walking. Her husband once told her that she was "mean spirited". That was about 6 months into their marriage.
At 14 I put her in counseling, expressing my concern for her future relationships. After 3 sessions, she said her counselor decided she no longer needed therapy. I had the horrible thought at that time that someday, she would focus this behavior toward me. At about 23, it began. It has grown to the point that she is now denying that I was ever there for her....which is simply untrue. In fact, most of my family thinks that I bent over backwards for her and that she was spoiled. I have absolutely done everything I can think of to stay in her good graces. I have apologized for whatever she's accused me of and begged for forgiveness. I am not allowed to discuss it with her nor to deny her accusations. I can only cover my head and accept the blows.
This last time, I made an attempt to defend myself, taking the blame and avoiding anything aimed at her but it caused her to cut off communication. Stupidly, I emailed her husband, who I haven't had a chance to really know, and asked him to please let me know if she ever needs me. Having dealt with her far longer than he has known her, and myself going through counseling, I knew to "cause no harm". There were no accusations or blame. I stated that I was sure he knew that she and I were having issues but that I love her very much, am her mom, and just wanted to be advised if she was ever sick, injured or needed me. Of course, she read the email and has accused me of undermining and threatening her family and she was afraid that I would bring harm to them. There was nothing in my message that would suggest any of these things! I was amazed at what she read into the message. My husband and my friends have read the message and are also scratching their heads. It's not like I'm in the middle of her life. We live 2000 miles apart.
Until this latest blow up, I called her on Sundays....as I do my son and my sister...I live away from all of them. She screens her calls and often does not pick up, which I am aware of and I just call her the next Sunday. I emailed once or twice a week. When she had no man in her life, she would call me at least once every day and keep me on the line for over an hour, ranting and raving over whatever perceived slight occurred that day, making totally irrational statements. When her husband was serving overseas, she called me every night, ranting about the military and how they had no right to interfere in a marriage and cause her to have to worry about mowing her own lawn and taking care of her family alone. Those were her exact complaints. Never once did she express concern for her husband's well-being. Her husband has worked hard during his career to earn recognition and she does nothing but complain about how inconvenient it all is for her. At first I foolishly thought she wanted my opinion but after she became angry at me a couple times, I learned to keep my mouth shut. She made it clear that she did not want my advice, she just wanted to "vent".
I hope you are right and that the grandchildren reconnect at some point. I am close to the oldest one, who has just become a teenager and was born when she was living close to me. However the child is father's clone and it wouldn't think of questioning her. At the time the 14 year old was born , I was my daugher's painter, her decorator, her baby sitter and her all around rescuer. I spent weeks at her house doing what needed to be done. She doesn't acknowledge any of it. Her youngest was born 2000 miles away and I've gone out there about 4 times. I am sad that I won't get to know the little one very well.
Reading this, I have come to a conclusion. I feel as if she has held me prisoner for all these years and I think I need to extricate myself. I don't believe that I have to take this abuse for the rest of my life. If there were no grandchildren, I would have cut off contact myself, a long time ago. I am getting older and with the history of strokes in my family, I know that this unnecessary stress is not healthy. Based on her past behavior, she will be heaping the abuse on someone else at some point. I will stay out of her way. I have no doubt that she has mental issues but unless someone can tell me what I could do to help, all I can do is pray.

You're right, Momma, you don't have to take this abuse from her. Her eldest kid will become more mature at some point and they might see that your daughter's behaviour isn't right.
You can do your best to stay in contact with your grandkids and try to lead them in the right direction. It's not your fault if your daughter doesn't want to get treatment and it's such a shame that her husband won't question her or try to help her.
I can't really tell you why she acts this way, but does her behaviour remind you of someone else in your family?
You don't have to worry about her for ever, though. It's ok if you want to let go and focuse on what you could do for her children instead, you've been through a lot.

i just want to start off by saying this; you are an excellent mother. reading your posts made me miss my mother (who is about 2000 mi away from me as well)

sadly enough, i used to act like that toward my mom a few years ago. however, my mother did something i felt betrayed me. i pretty much cut off any contact at all for about 6 months to a year. she never quit calling me, and she never gave up on me. i then progressed to answering her phone calls about once a month. after five years my mom quit calling as often and stopped emailing me. she didn't give up, she just told me that she had another child (my 14 year old sister) that loves her and actually shows her affection. she said she felt she was neglecting my sister trying to cater to a spoiled brat. after a few months, those words sunk in. i came around and ended up apologizing for my irrational anger and hateful words and actions. we have been great friends ever since. i realize that i pushed her away, she didn't leave me. i felt very ashamed of myself. i think cutting down on attempts to contact her would prolly help. hopefully, she will notice and come around. i know you are very sad, as you prolly feel you have sort of lost a daughter. just remember you are a person, too, and you have your own needs to tend to. you have a life to live. like i said earlier, you are a great mom, and don't ever feel like you're not.

Oh my. Thank you so much. Yes, I feel like my heart is ripped out. You have helped me so very much. It gets to a point where you question your very value in life. Mothers are held so responsible , by society, the mental health field and themselves for every aspect of their child's psyche. Few people consider the great part that genetics and other influences have. This pain never stops and I know that I will have to make a great effort to keep moving forward. I just pray that someday she comes around. Can I adopt you? Thank you again.

Momma,

Just a note to say that I, too, am my daughter's enemy. My daughter has BPD, and is a meth addict.

Nonetheless, I am the one who has never been there for her and she accuses me of favoring her brother and sister. I won't go into all the things I have done for her and how much money she has taken from her father and I.

I have finally come to the stage where I can't worry every day about her and try to make myself a part of her life.

I hope that your daughter comes to her senses, but in the meantime, take care of yourself.

Best,

B

I appreciate so much all of you for helping to lift me up. It is so beneficial to know you are not alone. I don't know how my daughter is going to get help but I know that I'm not the person who can help her. I can only trust that it will happen.

i'm very touched to know that i have helped you. i'd be very proud if you adopted me

just keep your chin up, you are not responsible for how she reacts to you trying to help her. i know you are trying to save her from herself, but she has to want to be saved first.

hay momma! how are you and daughter doing?