Advice please, I think I have ppd

Hi,

I only just found a medical description which i can really feel is accurate, which is paranoid personality disorder.

I can remember feeling paranoid about friends not liking me about 4 years ago (i am now 19 years old, male). This was my first friend who i really cared about. After a while i began feeling worried about our relationship when i was not around her. I got annoyed with me a lot, and wound up moving to another state without bothering to mention it to me. Possibly not the best way to help combat my feelings.

The person i got close to after that way a few months later, I had lots of similar problems with this person, was often feeling like she was angry at me, basically a lot of the things associated with ppd, again, this person herself had a lot of problems, she had attempted suicide a few times, but i liked the friendship overall, despite fights and such, after about 8 months of being friends, she ignored me one day at school, i asked her about it later over msn, and she basically said she had nothing left to say to me. This was really crushing on me as she meant so much to me. I found out later how my paranoia was quite justified, and another friend told me about how she would deliberately start fights with me, and just plain mean things.

After this i became very dissociated with being close with people, not intentionally, i just did not meet anyone who i felt comfortable around enough to become close with. I had lots of friends who i would hang around with on weekends and such at local music shows. basically every weekend i would hang out with a large number of people who were very friendly and accepting, and since i was never close to any of them, i didn't ever worry about problems in friendships. This along with friends at school that i never saw out of school was about the extent of my social life.

After a year and a half of not feeling close to anyone, i got a girlfriend, this only lasted about 6 weeks, not really long enough for any problems to arise, though the first person i cared about, it was scary how weird it felt to care for someone again.

After a few months, i met another person who i soon became good friends with, she was 4 years older than me and very level headed. I am happy to say that i am still friends with her after over a year, it is quite possibly the best ive been around a friend, probably because she gives me almost nothing to worry about. Despite the lack of anything that should cause me paranoia, i still have been having problems however. Just about once a week, for a few months now, i just find something small which makes me worry she is avoiding me, or annoyed me. The same feeling which i always got with my old friends. I worry about the way it makes me act around her. She is well aware of the way i feel, and has been really great, supportive and such. I just worry that if i continue to feel the way i do, and act the way i do it will ruin it. The fact she has recently gotten a partner does not help as she is spending less time with me.

I feel like i could wind up going in the same direction as i have in the past, and really dont want to feel that way again. I will list a few of the things which i have read on medical sites as i feel they best describe how i feel and act:

# Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
#Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
#Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings in benign remarks or events
#Their combative and suspicious nature may elicit a hostile response in others, which then serves to confirm their original expectations.

Please advice me on somethings i can do to help cope with this, i fear loosing my friend but cannot get rid of the feelings.

Thank you

Theres nothing to big in life to worry about.
Mental disorders are created by ourself's, we make them and then get trapped then just get bigger, because people around you dont know whats happening to you, so its better to shut and live! You know what? I dont even remember what I did yesterday, my brain is all messed up because I abused LSD and extacy pills, and now I gotta live with it but you know what? I can deal it, its not that much of a big deal or is it? lol...For the record im walking and I hallucinate in the middle of a conversation from nowhere my brain is totally nuts, but I keep it to myself and act like a normal person.

True friends never leave you behind, for any reason.

This is an interesting post I saw
http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=23958

Mental disorders are created by ourselves and realizing what causeing a chemical imbalance or knowing we have one can help significantly. You can learn to control it and find the benifits of the disorder. Your life is different and you experiences and veiws will never be the same as someone elses and that gives you a life advantage.

However, don't try to convince yourself you have a disorder. Sometimes it's just a perspective you have to get over.