How would you take this

This is an email exchange with my wife. She's sleeping with this %&%&@(R& body pillow now, I think it's really just another way to avoid me. But this is email didn't directly relate to that. But I've told her I'm thinking about sleeping in another room because of the damn thing. She still sleeps with it.

How would you see this message. I'm leaning heavily toward divorce again.

-----Original Message-----
From: Lonley Stranger
Sent: Tuesday, March 02, 2004 3:50 AM
To: wife
Subject: trouble


I'm going to keep this short and direct.

We are still in trouble. I don't feel loved.

I know you think it's my paranoia but I've come a long way in regards to that. I still have the fears that cause it but I find I don't react to it any more.

I'm not going to push you for what I've asked you for over and over. I want you to do what you want to do. No fights, no drama but we are in trouble.

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Her reply to my message:

All I can say is that I’m not going out of my way to make you feel unloved.

What do you mean how to take it? Take it at face value. She's saying you're responsible for not feeling loved not her. Take responsibility for your own feelings instead of trying to blame someone else.

I personlly think that she may be sleeping with the pillow because it is comfortable.
I too sleep with a body pillow, the reason is because often if I sleep on my side (most comfortable for me), it eases any pressure on my back. It is not in anyway to be percieved by my husband as a type of distancing tool.
If she was trying to make you feel "unloved" or "avoid" you, I am sure there would be other ways.
Maybe you need to try using a body pillow, it may give you more understanding of why she uses it.

Divorce??? You are over reacting big time.

what I don't understand is why if you feel there is trouble, are the two of you talking via e-mail. I would hope that if my husband felt unloved by me or had any issues w/ our marraige that he would sit down and talk w/ me direct. Face to face. It's too easy to hide behind e-mail. I've only seen this one post on this subject but I'm guessing you both have some major communication issues. And I do understand that you are seeking out advice here....but I would feel so betrayed if my husband took our e-mail conversations and layed them out for the public to weigh in on! I'm not saying that as a slam to you or to be mean....I mean it in a sincere way. Because like I said...I understand you did it simply to seek out some feedback on a situation. I just caution you on it is all.

I would venture that you both have issues between you both that you need to be talking through. Have you tried that? Do you feel that if you have, nothing ever gets solved and you only end up arguing and adding more to the stack of issues between you? I know you have been or are currently in counseling...have you tried marraige counseling?

Divorce? Well I guess that depends on what you both want from each other at this point....you need to talk...find out what those things are....decide if either of you can provide those things and live up to each others expectations....areas you feel you can't do overnight and mind you nothing is literally changed overnight...but things you just can't imagine bending on ....do you feel w/ the right help and time you could come to do that? Do you feel love for each other at this point based on where things lie? I mean...you both have to have this talk together, for starters; then take some time apart and think through everything after the talk. A cival talk mind you. IF you feel you can make it work, you need a plan set in place. You can't just say things but then wake up the next day and move about in the same way through the marriage as you have been. And it has to come from both sides. Sure it's easy to say it's one sides fault or the others. But you BOTH have to look w/in yourself and see not only the other person's faults, but realize you have yours to own as well.

My cousin was married 10 years...dated the man several years before the wedding. He cheated on her. He is an alcoholic. He is so verbally demeaning to her, you can't imagine. She ultimately left the marriage. They have 4 children between them. My cousin is a very decent person from a very decent family. But even she came to realize that although her ex owned all his own "demons"...the drinking...the affair....etc. there were faults and problems she brought to the marriage as well. Didn't excuse his drinking or his affair. Of course not. But she saw that their marriage failed for many reasons on both sides and not just for the big issues that fell on his plate. She really got into looking at herself as a person for about a year after that seperation/divorce. She worked hard on improving those "fault" areas...not for the marriage anymore...but just for herself as a person. Had they talked and worked on these issues during the marriage....oh Toby being Toby he might still have made those bad choices....hard to say w/ his character...but at least she still owned up to her own things rather then just turning a blind eye to that and focusing only on the other person's faults. It truly does cut both ways when a marriage ends. Even if you find in the end that your faults were only those little mundane things and the other persons were larger, etc. ....you both still need to self examine and work from there.

I'm not sure if this has helped or not...but I offer it up if there is anything you can take from it!

Dear Lonely Stranger

I am new to this PPD Site. In fact I did'nt even know such a Forum existed for this Medical condition. I intend to write on my sons problem so seek some advice. But in answer to your question regarding your situation with your wife, this is such a terrible mental condition (PPD) that I am truly surprised you can even function in a marriage. From what I understand, with this condition you isolate yourself from everyone. Either your wife is a very understanding and considerate person, or you dont have this condition in a very severe way. Or do you take Medication? I dont want to sound ignorant, but my life has been an utter hell with my son who is 41 years old now. I would be the last one to give you advice, but I dont agree with the last reply you received about writing your feelings down. Sometimes thats a lot easier way to express yourself without getting into arguments.