The Truman Show

Dear readers,

If you have ever seen the movie "Truman Show" than you already know what I think is the closest representation of my life. But instead of a plain reality show I am more of a test subject. I am a lab rat, who was used to study how the human mind works and how we go from a healthy baby to a disgusting degenerate who should not be allowed to live.

I believe every night thought are input into my head while I am sleeping, which ultimately turn into actions. What I do every day is pre-programmed in my mind every night, but that's not the only way that "they" (Psychologists and alike I assume) control every aspect of my life, during the day I believe they use binaural beats or something along the same lines (frequency which you cannot hear consciously but it reaches your sub-conscious). I also believe that another tool "they" used on me (and still do) was NLP (neuro-language programming).

I have a "partner" and a son, as well as loving parents and two older brothers. I am also adopted, my parents are actually my uncles who took me in at 3 month old. My biological parents were heroin addicts, never met biological mom, biological dad is a deadbeat (he is my adoptive (real) dads brother).

It seems to me that my entire life was just a series of tests in different fields of mental health and drug addiction, when researching for answers to my behaviour I conclude that I have experienced at least a little bit of each major personality disorder at some point in my life, at the same time none of them fits well enough with what I am experiencing.

It seems to me I have been in all walks of life in some way or another, I have had family, friends, partners, I have been academically successful, I have been professionally successful therefore economically stable, I have even been successful creatively, making music, drawing. When said like this it seems like this is all you really need for personal satisfaction.

However, all of that came mixed with identity issues, drug addiction, sexual identity problems (as in straight, bi, gay, etc) amongst other hideous issues... Imagine the ultimate thing that you hate, despise and become it, I don't mean this figuratively, I mean something specific, actually imagine the last thing you'd ever want to be.

So, in the end I am left with a pseudo-family, partner and I barely talk, I try bonding with my son but all its ever in my mind is when am I going to be alone smoking my weed. I am left with no job, although I am looking for one (unemployed for a year now), I went back to uni to do access to business management, did half the course before I gave up again. Just don't see a point to anything really, my family isn't real, my accomplishments weren't real, like being promoted to manager, it was all fake. I don't know who I am, what I am, what in me is mine and what is not, either way, I hate the past 26 years of my life even taking "my boy" into account.

As I am writing I find it hard to put all my thoughts into words, I can't go into specifics as it would take me a whole book but hopefully this brief explanation will give you an idea of what my day-to-day life is.

The Real Truman

^^if you're still around...you're not so special that anyone would make a movie about you.

It was made about me.