Confused as hell... feels like a crysis (please help!)

Hey, all, I'll try to be short despite the complex issue. What i'm experiencing is that I always feel like people want to harm me, when I met someone new and was kind to me i had suspicions if he wants to kill/murder me (for real). I somehow feel that some of my conspiracy theories are gone too far, but as I constantly see hostility in others while it later turns out they were only innocent words and actions, but I've seen them directed against me. This is destroying my relationship with everyone as I am always acting strange and always look confused when in a social situation. Another thing is that I feel that I repel people and they are getting further and further from me despite my frantic efforts, as I try to say random things to them that are sometimes just compulsive and empty such as "What's up?" and I don't await any answer, I just want to keep that person close, but my attempt fails. I developed a drinking habit, but I sort of stopped as I don't enjoy it anymore. I have thought blocks and recently, my memory started to be impaired. I always find people freaks and I have a really weird and everchanging self image. My self image and my view on the world can change in a second if some 'mode' in my brain seems to switch. I feel this world is distorted, cold and full of confusion and I wonder what the hell is going on... I also have strange mood swings one day feels like an utopic euphoria and the next day im thinking why am I existing in this world and it feels cold and dark and I sometimes cry, which is strange from me as I don't consider myself an emotional person, well of course years of school bullying definitely left a scar on me. I also have a strange thing that I feel sorry for even files on my computer when i delete them, and I feel emotions for inanimate objects and when things are not organised as they where I feel like a world collapsed inside. Not sure why am I writing this, but I didn't have the fortune to visit a psychologist yet, not sure if I have to, maybe these are how things work.
Any ideas what am I experiencing?

Regards

I feel the same. I don't have a diagnosis and I'm not getting one because I don't have any paranoia but I've come to suspect this. Though with my past track record of hypochondria I'm worried this could be a "phase". Anyways, my life is a mixture of me trying to avoid people, me trying to figure out people's motives, and me trying to keep what little I have left in my own possession. I have immense attachment to my stuff and I am being driven up the wall thinking about how it could be damaged (broken, vandalized, stolen). I love my family even if they are against or with me, and I have very good opinions of my 4 closest friends as they seem to be uncorrupted. Other times however I feel like it' s just me, and my purpose is to survive till the end. I don't have anything or anyone anymore, and people who try to comfort me are trying to take advantage. I can read people because I've learned how (mostly by looking at people's features, their reactions to certain comments) and I can tell they're all out to get me. Humans aren't designed to live peacefully. A majority of people are just there to cause us the greatest amount of harm, they're empty machines. Conscious normal healthy people are a minority. I have been thinking about writing some stuff and putting it out there, especially for friends to read, guide to understanding the "bad people". It would tell you some basic social cues which you want to avoid. For example, a person giving a long gaze right into my eyes as I or they speak is most likely thinking about ways to hurt me. They can read my mind with one look, gain every secret I've ever held and I panic and sometimes break down, revealing even more information. I am an asshole and a victim at the same time. I don't know how I get in that situation.

I often get called crazy, but I know that someone calling me that is doing it purely to manipulate. I also get approached by people a lot who say they want to be friends but why would anyone want to be friends? They are doing it purely out of manipulation. They don't care about me and only wish to destroy me in the most vicious way possible. I am also an asshole because I only care about myself. I know there are good people out there but the more I start learning the truth, the more I realize that they are a VAST minority. Most people, if not all people in my life, will seek to destroy me. I have very little chance of survival.

The biggest thing to keep in mind is: your and my life matters more than anything. Stay alive. Learn extensively about everything you can and make yourself as self sufficient as possible, because that kind of freedom is extremely liberating. Learn about people, about making bullets, working with metal, glass, wood, repairing cars, small talk, how to charm, how to fly planes, how to farm, small stuff like that to give yourself an edge when the world collapses. I know no one else has real empathy but me, and I try to help those I can even though I know I will never be helped back. You want to make your house secure, but only to the extent which you think it is necessary. Extra locks, firearms, stored foods, all that sort of stuff. Don't go too far or else you will waste your resources, but don't go to little or else you will be underprepared. Remember that when you're in your own home, in a chair or bed, doing your own thing, you're completely safe from harm and if harm does happen it's by coincidence. Someone driving through the wall of a house is not on purpose, unless they got the wrong house and were aiming for someone else haha.

And also keep in mind that even though it's good, and very important to keep friends and people close to you, it's also good to develop strong techniques for self sufficiency. For example, all humans need social contact, but you can exercise your mind and gain the ability to stay away from others for longer. I can go several months alone then I need to contact someone. It's like a very long form of hunger or tiredness, in the same camp as those needs. Mental exercises can increase your self reliance.

And one last tip, try dividing people into these two categories: Safe and aggressive. I know it sounds rude and it's a limited way of categorizing people but it's helped me a bit. Safe means the person don't actively seek something from you. You can trust this person, and they will only expect things when it's reasonable. They will most likely avoid manipulating you or damaging your property, they are respectful and they follow the law and follow social manners. Absolutely pure people are small in number, and most people will alternate between this and other types. The aggressive kind is someone you want to avoid. They are manipulative, conning, deceitful, they will show characteristics of those who do truly wish to harm us and destroy the society and they will watch the collapse of society at their hands like they watch a firework show. They are attracted to superficial crap and are shallow, and can range from being greatly intelligent to incredibly stupid. They are going to actively seek to take advantage, unlike the safe type which seeks companionship from you. You have to FIND the safe type, but the aggressive type might come to you. Don't take this exactly if you do decide to follow, but applying it "lightly" to your social regime will help in trying to figure out who and who not to spend your time with.

It feels really good to finally post this. I don't talk to anyone about this except my close friends, and they keep calling me names like paranoid or crazy. Their goal or reason for saying that kind of stuff is unclear to me.