I contemplate killing girls? *TW*

I have always been attracted to girls since my earliest school years. Unfortunately, however, they have never really projected the same attraction towards me and I don't consider myself much of a ladies' man. This, coupled with the fact that my mother and I do not get along and she is my only parent has left me for a large portion of my life without the love - romantic or otherwise - of a female.

In recent years, this has caused problems for me. The many years of rejection from the opposite gender has left a spot in my esteem - one that is hot to the touch - where interaction with girls makes me very anxious and usually generates a personal and intense feeling of resentment and anguish inside of me, directed toward the female to which I am speaking. I have found myself involuntarily practicing misogyny, where my brain has taught itself that girls are useless and selfish, and that the prettier ones are always taking advantage of men and are only out for themselves. I suppose it goes without saying that I have an incredible hatred for the concept of feminism. I view it is a bunch of girls that are trying to further exploit their perceived authority over men by trying to get us to be their "slaves". They want us to treat them better than we treat other men because women are repulsive and withhold an unwarranted sense of entitlement.

As one who does a lot of thinking and attempts to understand my own feelings well, I do believe that my hatred for the female race is directly translated from a raging jealousy and a helpless power struggle, resulting from my years of having been ignored and disrespected from so many girls that I have loved or have been attracted to. Last year I spent a week in a mental hospital and was diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, which could potentially be the culprit of these feelings of emptiness and insecurity.

In the past year (I am currently a senior in high school), this internal fury has escalated into a much more dangerous and sinister collection of emotions. I feel so much pain towards the girls that have harmed me, and I often fantasize about exacting revenge on them in the form of overpowering and murdering them. There are a handful of girls that I find very attractive that have either neglected, rejected, or disrespected me (or any combination of the three) that I often find myself dreaming of killing. For instance, there is a beautiful girl whom I work with that dismisses any romantic advances I have made towards her, and inside her head I know that she hates me. She is otherwise insincerely kind to me in an attempt to maintain the environment of the workplace. Whenever I see this girl, I daydream about holding her down and pinching her nose shut and clasping my hand over her mouth, stroking her hair until she succumbs. In this dream, I whisper to her that I love her and that I want her to die for me and that she should never have been mean to me. I often even have these "visions" in my head when I see a pretty girls in public that I don't even know. I automatically feel the twisted gut and the brutal, crippling anxiety that being anywhere near an attractive girl ensues. Even if the girl doesn't know me, I fear that she hates me and it provokes a painful insecurity within. The thought of strangling or bludgeoning her causes a temporary relief of the pain. It even causes me a sexual thrill to think about killing girls. The thought of exerting my power over them and "finally" having them all to myself arouses me, which is horrifying at best. I also like to watch Ted Bundy documentaries and I find his killing frenzy to be fascinating and influential rather than disturbing and sickening.

The alarming nature of these fantasies is the reason that I am here, on this forum. I consider myself to be a generous and rational person, and as per my morals the thought of killing anyone is simply inhumane. However, this relentless and remorseless demon inside me craves female blood, and I fear of crossing the boundary of my conscience into the point of no return. I fear for myself and others around me, and if this is the criminal work of a mental disorder, I want to become aware of it before it consumes me. This is why I see a therapist in real life, but I am afraid that if I tell her any of this she would have me arrested. I feel hopeless and I'm in great need of help.

Thanks,
-T

Well, this isn't Minority Report, yet, and I fail to see you being arrested on account of having thoughts.

So I would say it's important to tell your therapist about them, so that you can understand them better.

I am OCD, and I have intrusive harm thoughts, frequently directed towards my better half. This I'd not quite the same pathology, but still, as I think you do about your own, I know that my thoughts of killing are just manifestations of ordinary frictions and resentments that people frequently have towards each other. And I think some of the same principle is in play, here, but since your thoughts are so involved and complex compared to my simple OCD, I definitely think you should two your therapist. I'm sure it's nothing they haven't heard in their practice, or studied, anyway. You can't be arrested for something you haven't done, and if you're already in therapy with a Dx of PPD, it doesn't do any good to have to bear this burden alone.

I am a pretty paranoid kind of person, myself, so I know how easy it is to start to attribute things to people, but I hope you do remember, at least on an intellectual level, that girls aren't universally wicked- not that they're not very frustrating, at times, because they do think different from guys. Buy that's not the same thing.

Snaga,
While I do appreciate our reply, I do not believe that this has quite much to do with my diagnosis, as there's nothing about PPD that says people have a desire to kill. The reason this was submitted into Depression is because I feel that is a dangerous result of many years of depression that I have suffered as a result of rejection - particularly by females. My PPD simply manifests feelings of inadequacy to girls, such that they all hate me and they are better than me. But I have these feelings about everyone due to PPD, not just the opposite gender. The painful depression I feel is what causes me to contemplate homicide.

That being said, I do feel that I can be arrested for saying this. I was arrested a year ago for threatening to murder a girl that I had a crush on at school. I spent a week in the mental hospital, where I was diagnosed with PPD. I was placed into therapy where they told me that everything I say is confidential, but if I discuss plans to hurt someone else or myself then they would be forced to intrude those boundaries. That is what I am afraid of.

Lastly, in spite of what you'd expect, I do not have any trust or acceptance for females, even at an intellectual level. No matter what I have nothing but distaste and disgust for them and I do think that they are vile, manipulative, and abusive. This train of thought is the result of many years of pain caused by them, which has in turn stirred these sinister thoughts in my head after all these years.

You were arrested for making an actual threat to an actual person. That will get you arrested.
Telling a mental health professional about thoughts and urges you have can't get you arrested or hospitalized, unless there is credible threat of imminent harm to yourself or others.
"I'm going to follow this girl tonight, it's decided, I'll do it" and "I'll use my gun, and I'll shoot myself, possibly next week" is a specific plan and it will get you arrested/hospitalized.
Your entire post can be shown to a professional and it will not, as far as I'm aware (and being paranoid+pOCD myself, believe me I checked extensively what were the things that would get me in trouble or not)
I'm 99.9999% positive that telling a professional what you told us here will not only NOT get you arrested, rather it just might save us from the future Elliot Rodger before it's too late.
Or they just might be intrusive thoughts from undiagnosed OCD or something else, and you're not a danger to anybody. Either way, I'm fairly certain it's safe to show this to your therapist, and I hope it will help you.

^^

What he said.

heythere39107 wrote:Snaga,
While I do appreciate our reply, I do not believe that this has quite much to do with my diagnosis, as there's nothing about PPD that says people have a desire to kill.

Quite the opposite, probrably the major difference between the paranoid and the antisocial is that they take revenge on fantasy. Both however have the dog eats dog mindset.

That being said, I do feel that I can be arrested for saying this. I was arrested a year ago for threatening to murder a girl that I had a crush on at school. I spent a week in the mental hospital, where I was diagnosed with PPD. I was placed into therapy where they told me that everything I say is confidential, but if I discuss plans to hurt someone else or myself then they would be forced to intrude those boundaries. That is what I am afraid of.

I guess that at least on theory, even if you stop your car in front of a bank and when asked by an officer what you are doing you repply that you are studing how to rob the bank, you commited no crime.

Now threatening is a crime of its own.

There is a major difference between brainstorming, planning, discussing something illegal and threatening someone. Only threatening is a crime per si. As long as you are talking about ideas without threatening (intimidanting) there is no crime, and no reason why a shrink would report you to the police.

So what is it suggested that I do? I would also like to mention that i don't feel any sympathy for females in the least. When I see a girl cry it arouses me and when I see one on TV (such as law and order) that got raped or killed, I don't feel bad and I find it thrilling. Does this make me a psychopath? Or a sociopath, even? Am I crazy?

heythere39107 wrote:I have always been attracted to girls since my earliest school years. Unfortunately, however, they have never really projected the same attraction towards me and I don't consider myself much of a ladies' man. This, coupled with the fact that my mother and I do not get along and she is my only parent has left me for a large portion of my life without the love - romantic or otherwise - of a female.

The only female that I'm close to is my grandmother. I've had relationships with girls in the past, but I haven't had a girlfriend in roughly three years and I'm a virgin at twenty years old. It's not something I'm happy about, quite the contrary.

In recent years, this has caused problems for me. The many years of rejection from the opposite gender has left a spot in my esteem - one that is hot to the touch - where interaction with girls makes me very anxious and usually generates a personal and intense feeling of resentment and anguish inside of me, directed toward the female to which I am speaking.

I too get very anxious around girls that I'm attracted to, but I don't resent them for that. My fear of approaching them isn't caused by something they did, it's caused by the fear of rejection and that's my own issue. I only resent the ones who try to make me feel insecure, but rarely do I encounter that type. Then again, I don't normally get the courage to start a conversation with them in the first place.

In fact, I can't remember the last time I initiated a conversation with a girl I liked for the purpose of trying to establish a relationship.

I have found myself involuntarily practicing misogyny, where my brain has taught itself that girls are useless and selfish, and that the prettier ones are always taking advantage of men and are only out for themselves.

I know for a fact that isn't true. My grandmother is a lovely woman who isn't like that at all and there's many other women who aren't.

I suppose it goes without saying that I have an incredible hatred for the concept of feminism. I view it is a bunch of girls that are trying to further exploit their perceived authority over men by trying to get us to be their "slaves".

Real feminists are for equality, not superior treatment. The women you're referring to are frauds.

As one who does a lot of thinking and attempts to understand my own feelings well, I do believe that my hatred for the female race is directly translated from a raging jealousy and a helpless power struggle, resulting from my years of having been ignored and disrespected from so many girls that I have loved or have been attracted to.

I've been ignored and disrespected to. I too have hatred towards people who disrespect me, but not the ones who ignore me. I get offended when I'm ignored, but I also understand that ignoring people isn't usually done in malice. Ignoring people is something we should all feel comfortable doing if we don't want to associate with someone, unless the person is in need of assistance for a serious matter. If I was bleeding and asked for help and someone just ignored me, I'd definitely hate the person, but I don't hate people for not doing everything I want them to do. I get disappointed, but if someone doesn't want to respond to me when I say "hello", I respect it because maybe something about me makes them uncomfortable, or maybe they're in a bad mood. I wouldn't want them to force themselves out of their comfort zone just so that I can feel validated, as if I'm the only one who's feelings matter.

In the past year (I am currently a senior in high school), this internal fury has escalated into a much more dangerous and sinister collection of emotions. I feel so much pain towards the girls that have harmed me, and I often fantasize about exacting revenge on them in the form of overpowering and murdering them.

I too fantasize about murdering people out of revenge, men and women both. The only reason I haven't killed anyone is because I don't want to go to prison and I know that the risk of that happening would be very high. I enjoy my freedom, waking up in my bed, having a shower, eating, drinking and doing other things like going for walks whenever I please. In prison, you're limited to what you can do and you're told when to do it and that's not fun for anyone. The pleasure that I would get from killing someone wouldn't be worth it in the end. I'd be relieving myself of some of my pain by causing pain and death to them, but then more pain would come from being imprisoned. In the end, I'd have that whole new issue to deal with and my life would be even worse, partly because of my own actions. I still wouldn't get laid and I probably never would after that, because the chances are that if I get convicted of rape and murder, I'm in for the rest of my life.

Sadistic. Paranoid Personality frequently come with strong sadistic traits.

Sociopathy (aka antisocial) is quite different, check the descriptions.

Millon wrote:
Antisocial: Impulsive, irresponsible, deviant, unruly. Act without due consideration. Meet social obligations only when self-serving. Disrespect societal customs, rules, and standards. See themselves as free and independent. People with antisocial personality disorder depict a long pattern of disregard for other people's rights. They often cross the line and violate these rights

Paranoid: Guarded, defensive, distrustful and suspicious. Hypervigilant to the motives of others to undermine or do harm. Always seeking confirmatory evidence of hidden schemes. Feel righteous, but persecuted. People with paranoid personality disorder experience a pattern of pervasive distrust and suspicion of others that lasts a long time. They are generally difficult to work with and are very hard to form relationships with. They are also known to be somewhat short-tempered

Sadistic(Only DSM III): Explosively hostile, abrasive, cruel, dogmatic. Liable to sudden outbursts of rage. Gain satisfaction through dominating, intimidating and humiliating others. They are opinionated and close-minded. Enjoy performing brutal acts on others. Find pleasure in abusing others. Would likely engage in a sadomasochist relationship, but will not play the role of a masochist

But, why have I never heard of this "Sadistic Paranoid Personality" disorder? It sounds like you're pulling my leg to try and get me to feed in so I'll look stupid. Don't do that to me.