Relationship with a "mild" PPD

Hi I'm new to the forum but found it when I was doing some research on my BF's odd behavior. We've been together a year and a half and for the last four months he's steadily gotten "odder" (for lack of a better word) about going ANYWHERE without having some kind of trouble or altercation. He seems to have some anxiety but what is most prominent is the thought that people are deliberately being mean to him or are out to get him. Driving with him means to listen to a constant rant about who cut him off on purpose and how people are baiting him. Going out to eat means somenoe is tampering with his food. If his office is hot or smells of food heated in the microwave, they're doing it to bother him. Everywhere we go, someone looked at him funny or in a bad way. He is fearful that people will hurt him and/or us and therefore we don't go many places or do many things and we don't eat out or see friends. Mainly my friends because he doesn't have any. He's 49 and chose to stop drinking around 7 years ago as he felt he had a problem with it. I feel perhaps it was a self medication and without that medication he may be getting worse. He wasn't like this when we started dating so I know he either realizes he has to can it or he is just truly getting worse. He's also moody and can be neglectful of me and my attentions. I cater to his oddities and try not to complain but when I try to have an adult and mature, calm conversation with him he's defensive and throws up a zillion excuses and then he tries to avoid me or any kind of discussion. He says he loves me and sometimes talks about marriage and getting a place but when I say something that sounds like a complaint he says he "enjoys spending time with me" but won't commit to anything further. I'm thinking I probably should get out now while it's still not all consuming but it hurts and I love the person I know he could be if he got help. I see a lot of pretty severe PPD discussions here but does anyone have relationship experience with someone who seems mild? I have feeling I know the answer but am slow to give him up. I am very close to his entire family, I know he's had a lot of relationships that haven't worked out (he can't quite explain why) and his family wants us to get married in the worst way as he's never been married and has no kids. I have a 14 year old son and my breaking point came when he accused my son not so nicely of just not being able to listen or respect him. My son is the nicest teen and I draw my line there. He's now avoiding me because I expressed my feelings about how he spoke to my son and about how he behaves and treats me. It's hard and any suggestions, shared experiences or words of wisdom are very welcome. Thanks, have a great day.

CourageousD wrote: .... He says he loves me and sometimes talks about marriage and getting a place but when I say something that sounds like a complaint he says he "enjoys spending time with me" but won't commit to anything further. I'm thinking I probably should get out now while it's still not all consuming but it hurts and I love the person I know he could be if he got help. I see a lot of pretty severe PPD discussions here but does anyone have relationship experience with someone who seems mild? I have feeling I know the answer but am slow to give him up. .

Get out while you can, the pain of a split up is but a teeny weeny blip, compared to the next 5, 10. 50 years of suffering with a PPD.
You have been subtly kidnapped, are being tortured and none of it is your doing.
He wont honestly engage, be truly intimate or be prepared to accept even a small bit of responsibility, will blame, blame, blame until the cows come home. And the chances are, you will become the total focus of his paranoia, you will be the person who has poisoned his food because he can't accept that bad feeling has another cause, just can't take responsibility.
None of that relationship therapy works, no matter what you do will have no effect on the core issue. The paranoid partner will not engage with relationship therapy, they cannot take responsibility for themselves.
You don't knowingly get married to a paranoid personality

Rapparee wrote:Get out while you can, the pain of a split up is but a teeny weeny blip, compared to the next 5, 10. 50 years of suffering with a PPD.
You have been subtly kidnapped, are being tortured and none of it is your doing.
He wont honestly engage, be truly intimate or be prepared to accept even a small bit of responsibility, will blame, blame, blame until the cows come home. And the chances are, you will become the total focus of his paranoia, you will be the person who has poisoned his food because he can't accept that bad feeling has another cause, just can't take responsibility.
None of that relationship therapy works, no matter what you do will have no effect on the core issue. The paranoid partner will not engage with relationship therapy, they cannot take responsibility for themselves.
You don't knowingly get married to a paranoid personality

This is an extremely individualistic opinion more than anything. It's worth pointing out that, and this is not exclusive to PPD, not everyone fits every single trait listed in the criteria of whatever disorder it may be. To say the paranoid will not engage in relationship therapy purely due to an inability to accept responsibility is not fact, there could be other reasons, as a matter of fact, nothing to even do with that. Your own experiences are not necessarily concrete in terms of other people and their paranoid SO.

CourageousD wrote:Hi I'm new to the forum but found it when I was doing some research on my BF's odd behavior. We've been together a year and a half and for the last four months he's steadily gotten "odder" (for lack of a better word) about going ANYWHERE without having some kind of trouble or altercation. He seems to have some anxiety but what is most prominent is the thought that people are deliberately being mean to him or are out to get him. Driving with him means to listen to a constant rant about who cut him off on purpose and how people are baiting him. Going out to eat means somenoe is tampering with his food. If his office is hot or smells of food heated in the microwave, they're doing it to bother him. Everywhere we go, someone looked at him funny or in a bad way. He is fearful that people will hurt him and/or us and therefore we don't go many places or do many things and we don't eat out or see friends. Mainly my friends because he doesn't have any. He's 49 and chose to stop drinking around 7 years ago as he felt he had a problem with it. I feel perhaps it was a self medication and without that medication he may be getting worse. He wasn't like this when we started dating so I know he either realizes he has to can it or he is just truly getting worse. He's also moody and can be neglectful of me and my attentions. I cater to his oddities and try not to complain but when I try to have an adult and mature, calm conversation with him he's defensive and throws up a zillion excuses and then he tries to avoid me or any kind of discussion. He says he loves me and sometimes talks about marriage and getting a place but when I say something that sounds like a complaint he says he "enjoys spending time with me" but won't commit to anything further. I'm thinking I probably should get out now while it's still not all consuming but it hurts and I love the person I know he could be if he got help. I see a lot of pretty severe PPD discussions here but does anyone have relationship experience with someone who seems mild? I have feeling I know the answer but am slow to give him up. I am very close to his entire family, I know he's had a lot of relationships that haven't worked out (he can't quite explain why) and his family wants us to get married in the worst way as he's never been married and has no kids. I have a 14 year old son and my breaking point came when he accused my son not so nicely of just not being able to listen or respect him. My son is the nicest teen and I draw my line there. He's now avoiding me because I expressed my feelings about how he spoke to my son and about how he behaves and treats me. It's hard and any suggestions, shared experiences or words of wisdom are very welcome. Thanks, have a great day.

I'm not sure about mild, but not every paranoid is going to be the exact same. All that can be said for your situation is that, if you want more and he is not willing to provide that, then it's your decision to suffer through it, otherwise leave. It's really no different than any other relationship out there. This specifically is not something exclusive to someone with PPD anyway.

To add to this, It can't really be gauged what your complaints are like, but it's hard to blame someone not wanting to commit if say, the one complaining does it more often than the other person can handle. Perhaps he has entertained the idea, but every time you throw something negative his way, he starts contemplating if you two are a match or not.

Hard to say, these are only speculations.

Bless you for sticking with someone that has PPD for so long. I had PPD from my childhood years until I was nearly 30 years old, and it took a lot of effort on my part to shake it. I was an "only child" that was bullied and lonely through elementary school, bullied and lonely through high school..... and even bullied and lonely in college!! I had a girlfriend when I was 16 years old for a few months and then one more girlfriend when I was 30 years old. In between those two girls was 14 nonstop years of having "two dates with this girl", "two dates with this girl", "two dates with this girl", "two dates with this girl"...... nonstop without any intimacy, friendship or relationship. I got engaged after six months of dating at age 30 and have been happily married for 30 years now with three children. But, I will NEVER forget what an incredibly lonely and isolated hell-on-earth I went through during my childhood, teenage years and through my 20's. PDD is for real and it needs to be recognized and addressed by parents, associates, relatives and the afflicted individual themselves.

Traum wrote:This is an extremely individualistic opinion more than anything. It's worth pointing out that, and this is not exclusive to PPD, not everyone fits every single trait listed in the criteria of whatever disorder it may be. To say the paranoid will not engage in relationship therapy purely due to an inability to accept responsibility is not fact, there could be other reasons, as a matter of fact, nothing to even do with that. Your own experiences are not necessarily concrete in terms of other people and their paranoid SO.

We are here to give our opinions and our opinions gained from experience of life have a good honest value. Apart from one generalisation, the opinions I expressed are based on the description of the partner. I can adjust that one generalisation and be more specific.

Just as when you wrote

All that can be said for your situation is that,..

..

Well that's not all that can be said, that's not a fact. Are we then to dismiss your subjective advice because we can certainly say more ? Of course not, your advice is subjective opinion.

I'm not sure about mild, but not every paranoid is going to be the exact same. All that can be said for your situation is that, if you want more and he is not willing to provide that, then it's your decision to suffer through it, otherwise leave. It's really no different than any other relationship out there. This specifically is not something exclusive to someone with PPD anyway.

A commitment conflict as described with such a person is indeed not exclusive to PPD but this commitment conflict is with a PPD. Therefore this partner's commitment, evident PPD and personality descriptions (eg. conflict with 14 year old boy) are all very germane to any advice offered. The chances of that PPD partner engaging in a therapeutic process and accepting basic responsibility are non existent in the short term and slim in the medium term.
In a discussion about questionable commitment in a PPD partner, the commitment is not the issue, the elephant in the room are the evident traits of PPD and the chances around that person's willingness to take responsibility. And in general, inability to take responsibility for one's own actions is a red flag, key note symptom in a PPD.

I'm going to stress this is in every post I make from now on. Don't diagnose people based on your opinion, get a professional to diagnose this person. I question you and your mental health before his tbh.

It's nice to have a question easily answered, but mental health is very complex and takes years of studying in a trained environment to get right.

I'm a PPD sufferer, I'm dealing with professionals to get help with my issues. I caution you that if he actually does have PPD (possibly, but it's not a 100% guarantee diagnosing as someone who isn't a professional) you probably aren't best suited to go about solving his mental health issues. You should be there to support him, and love him, that's your job, not to mess with his brain and thought processing.

Maybe, you could go to a professional and ask questions, get him a meeting, otherwise I'd be worried about making things worse.

Hi CourageousD,

I'm also new to the forum and like you suspect my bf (of a similar time frame) has PPD. He is quite obsessed with the idea of me checking out other guys (even ones I haven't even seen!) and thinks I send him hidden msg (in my body language or sometimes code in txt) that he's not good enough sexually- which couldn't be further from the truth!

Although I know these deluded thoughts still plague him often (he displays physical signs such as a tightened jaw) he has come a very long way in being able to control his behavior towards me since I learnt about boundaries and how to set them & follow through. I broke up with him as I could no longer take his false accusations and episodic rages (which have stopped entirely). When he asked me what was wrong with him I told him that I thought he had PPD and that I would only consider taking him back if he quit pot & started therapy.

He's been able to do both of these things and his behavior has improved out of sight. He no longer accuses me or asks for reassurance. He has worked out how to self soothe and although sometimes this may take an hr or two it's infrequent and doesn't feel any different to someone just being moody (although I know it's deeper than that).

If you are considering staying with this guy I would urge you to think about what you need to be happy and fulfilled in the relationship and see if he is capable of meeting you needs. He may need to do the same with you in other areas. Create a reasonable time frame and if you are still unhappy and nothing has changed then the answer will be clear.

Best of luck!