Born with paranoia..

Hello all,

First off I would like to point out that I come from a very happy loving family home with no abuse.

I also have a very rational train of thought that sits alongside my illnesses.

I am convinced I was born with a paranoid personality disorder that developed into other illnesses, psychosis, antisocial, depression, mania to name a few.

As a child I thought the feelings were normal and it was part of growing up, my thoughts from about 8yrs old were always extreme, people said I was weird and I never had a real relationship with anyone, my thoughts became extremely visual, I became obsessed with death and suicide and started to harm myself when I felt angry, if someone criticised me I would become obsessed with killing them and feel amazing when I visualised it, I had no problem killing animals and couldn't understand why people who were with me felt sick or disgusted by my actions.

Id like to point out that I believe it was my mothers love and positive input in my life that stopped me from hurting anyone as I didn't want to disappoint her, when she passed away that love an positivity was reflected onto my 2 sons by me who i believe are keeping me from acting on my recent thoughts.


I only recently 2009 went to my doctors when my marriage broke down and I explained my symptoms and how long I'd had them for.


I've seen numerous psychiatrists who fed me drug after drug to try and cure my paranoia, the only one that seemed to calm the extreme thoughts were flupenthixol which I took for 2 years.

In that time I stopped drinking alcohol and started eating good food and doing some exercise which made me feel quite good.

But the problem I'm facing is that I still can't trust anyone, I have adrenalin rushs for no reason which my psychologist says could be generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), I've had CBT which told me what I had already worked out, it did however give me a platform to talk about my childhood problems to try and make sense of things, which helped a lot.

I have moments of what I believe to be psychosis where I feel nothing, you could die right in front of me and I wouldn't even blink, i usually try to do something productive when this happens until I come back, I still have a rational thought pattern alongside this experience which I can use to reassure myself.

There is a lot more I could tell you but this should be enough.

I want to go back to the doctors but for what? Psychologist? Psychiatrist again?(don't want to take any more drugs).
Will counselling help me?

Is it just a case of keep on going?

Advice please,
Liquid Thought