trying to help - need help/ someone to talk to

Hi to all... I need help. I am currently "with" (basically we're boyfriend/girlfriend but she's never let herself call herself girlfriend or call me boyfriend because that would mean she would have to deal with the fear of being in a relationship... her words).
I have often considered myself involved in a verbally abusive relationship. I've been with her for almost a year now, and she has helped me understand a lot about myself and has helped me come to terms with how I used to say or do things that hurt her - and I've changed. And it's to the point where I actually have become able to impliment these changes. Basically - I've learned the language she was trying to help me learn. I really have - surprisingly, and yet now she doesnt like that I am able to do this.

The other night she said to me, "After all the years of therapy (sees a psych), my family going to counseling and my dad going to therapy, you've made more gains in a few months than we have in all the years we've been going."
And it was obvious she didn't like me at that moment because I was able to change and adapt.
And then bamm... her "defenses" adapted to my changes and its as if she is just out of defenses now because shes no longer able to use her "games." I refer to these games - but they're really just defense mechanisms for her. She has most of the symptoms. She tries to justify her own feelings or thoughts by accusing me of absurd things, only to then refuse to believe anything I have to say. I used to argue - but in the past few months I have opted just to giving up and saying "Your feelings are your feelings. They are not mine - and they dont make what you feel real."
But its as if truth doesnt matter. She is out of defenses... I am believing this more and more now - becuase its like its a game to her or something. I changed - she tried, but I beat her at the game again. And she doesnt like it - so now shes becomming angry with me for doing exactly what she wanted me to do. She changes the rules... essentially. And i'm so frustrated - but I love her so much... I dont know what else to do. I want to help her - I need help, though, too. I dont know what to do, here. Please help.

-Just some other info... She is a 21 year old college student and very very smart. She is a psychology major - so she knows a lot about how people think... which I believe is really compounding this situation. She seems to believe that she can control other people's problems by offering them advice and helping them ---- FORCING them to see problems in themselves... but she is completely unable to deal with problems in herself. She wants to be a clinical psychologist... so shes got some impressive smarts, here. But this makes her defenses HUGE.
-I love her. right now I've just discovered that she has this (PPD)... without a doubt... QUESTION 1... how do i break this to her? How do I talk to her about this? I want to help her - not hurt her... but I'm so scared that she will take this and never talk to me again.

I really do need help. Thank you,
Jeremy

I don't really know what to say.. but you have to remeber that these defense mechanisms.. they are there for a reason. She hurts, and in turn it makes you hurt. There are usually serious problems here. Its a delicate subject to tell anyone you think they have any disorder, especially a loved one.. with these kinds of issues. I would try to have a serious talk with her, when she is open (you know one of those 'truth' why I love you talks), because your concerned. Now depending on how you say it andwhen you bring it on it can go ok, or it can go pretty bad. Espcially with pdd, she might not think you trust her or that you think she's crazy or something and that will only make things worse. If she see's a psych they may already know that she has it.

Don't play "games" don't try to "win" there is no winning in these games only losers. So do what you can, be there for her, be conforting. I can safley say that no one in any type of long term relationship with someone with paranoid personality disorder would ever have an easy time. Its going to be hell, you can read a few posts on the forum and see that clearly yourself. Do you want to help her, do you want to be in it for the long haul that is a question you must ask yourself. You obviously care for her, and well she may need support, but may not always ask for it.

Communitcations a great thing, get to know her, I mean really get to know her, if she starts going in a direction that doesn't look good try to figure out why. So you can help her

Thank you for your advice. These questions are big questions for me. I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning my own career. I'm trying to help her out the best I can - but I feel like I'm putting my own life in serious danger with regard to my goals/hopes/dreams. You are absolutely right. This is hell. But its only hell when she's fighting against me/questioning me etc... showing characteristics of pdd/acting in these ways. The other half of the time I'm the happiest I've ever been. My friends and family keep telling me the same thing - that I need to leave this girl alone... I've tried hard to help her - harder than most anyone else would, and she still doesnt appreciate me (she might not be able to because of the pdd).
I personally feel like she feels inferior because I am there and wanting to help her... that she feels like because I want to help her and can and do help her - that when she realizes that shes lowered her guard and is enjoying being with me and loving me... literally... that she panics and winds up telling herself things that lead to her going into a chaos mode that results in her deliberately (it seems like it) trying to look back to find instances where I have accientally hurt her with words or instances where I have said something that she found hurtful... and then she remembers how bad she felt - which in turn, makes her feel bad again. And then she just uses negative self talk to justify her bad feelings... and then its just a vicious cycle fueling itself. She panics when she realizes that her defenses are down... and the result is ugly. And downright scary.

...I'm extremely hurt and frustrated right now and I need to share this so I hope whoever reads this doenst mind me just opening up a little. This morning I was lying with her and she asked me what I wanted to do today. I answered honestly by telling her that I wanted to go for a run and then go see Silent Hill. She hates horror movies so this meant that I would be going alone.
Instead of supporting me and saying ok have fun ... she turned her back on me, told me she was very hurt for not wanting to spend time with her today. She failed to understand that the process of going for a run and then watching the movie only took about 4 hours of time at most, and she also assumed that because I didnt include her at all with what I wanted to do, that she believed that that meant I didnt want to be with her at all today. She then started telling me that I obviously didnt want to even be with her this morning while we were lying in bed. I tried to help her explain what I had meant, and that I had just simply not stated that I had wanted to spend the evening with her, but she didnt understand. I offered another way of understanding to her to help her try and understand... which she then promptly told me that I was obviously lying because I had just changed what I was telling her. From there, it just became ugly. She refused to believe anything I was saying. Proceeded to tell me I didnt love her and that I obviously didnt care about her. She did calm down, then, and did understand what I was saying to her after she literally cleaned my grill because she "wanted to get rid of some anger." She then expressed to me that she watned to go back to her dorm and that she wanted to be alone. I supported this , and we were happy... but on the car ride back she started thinking again. She became visibly upset. She then told me as she was leaving the car that, once again, I obviously didnt want to be with her at all today, and that I should go do what I want to do because I didnt want to be with her at all. She failed to understand that even though I wanted to go see a movie and run earlier, that almost 4 hours had passed and I no longer felt like that and at that moment, and the rest of the moments earlier to that, I wanted to be with her. That didnt matter to her. All she wanted to do was focus on her hurt and find ways to justify her hurt. The truth doesnt seem to matter to her. I dont seem to matter to her. She only seems to want to feel hurt - and she only seems to find ways to justify her hurt so that she can fuel her own hurt.

Personally, I feel like this is just a very immature reflection of her own need for attention. It really seems like shes afraid that if I go out and do something on my own that she needs to know everything about what I'm doing because shes afraid that I might leave her. She knows that when she tells me shes hurt that I really will do anything I can to be there with her to comfort her and help her feel better. I believe she uses this against me. And, this is really starting to wear on me. This is very childish behavior... and I am trying to help so much... but its as if she doesnt want help because she is too proud or something. I believe she feels like that if she gets help along the way that she wasnt able to solve the problem herself or find the answer herself - so she feels weak or she feels like a failure.
Help is not a bad thing... but she feels it is.

I truly do not know what to do anymore. I want to be there with her. But she has resorted to saying extremely hurtful things to me - that she knows hurts me... she wants to hurt me (i believe). And she uses the stuff that goes right to my heart (she says that I obviously dont love her and I obviously dont care about her... even though I've tried every step of the way and gone above and beyond to help and be there for her as best as I can)... but she also has started telling me how I feel. She says, you obviously feel like this or that ... or she does things like, telling me to go away because I want to go away, as a way to make herself feel better because she doesnt want to tell me to just go away.

Its confusing - I know... but I believe that she doenst like telling me to go away when she wants me to leave, so she just tries to find ways to make me look like the bad guy so she can get angry at me for doing exactly what she says/ asks me to do.
And its not just when she wants me to go away. Often times she "sets traps" for me so that, I believe, I will answer confusing questions incorrectly so that she can get upset with me... which results in me spinning around going blank because I literally am left totally confused just trying to figure out what in the heck just happened (... I generally have no idea how she got the understanding she got from what I said/answered)... usually the meaning she gets is so far from what I intened that I just shake my head and wind up going... "what?"
-which, tends to lead to even more problesm...

This is the confusing situation I am in. I love this girl... I want to help. But how far do I go? How much do I risk of my own future/ my own hapiness/ my own life/ before I say enough? I hurt so much because of her... but I know shes hurting too. It seems like the only way to help her is to phase myself out of her life. But I really believe that that wouldnt help. I believe that she will only block me away instead of realizing what she had in me... it just seems like there is no way to help here. I want whats best for her. I stand by her in everything. She is very hypocritical, but she can be that way because she justifies it. And since she makes the rules, shes never wrong. (it seems that way, even though she has admitted shes been wrong afew times.. which, in turn, gives her justification to tell me that she has realized that she is wrong and that becauase of that... that it is ok because she is aware of when she is wrong and that when she feels shes right she knows shes right because she would be able to tell if she were wrong... because she has admitted to being wrong those few times before)... this is what it seems like, anyway.

God, I need help with this. I love her. I dont want to leave her. Anyone with any advice please help. I realize I've talked a lot, here. But I'm really just hurting right now and very frustrated.

No one hurts someone else without first being hurt inside themselves. The problem si PPD Is VERY hard to understand what its going through if you have never been through it. Your frustrated and upset because your being bitched at for doing nothing, you get no trust, but believe me she isn’t doing it just to hurt you.

PPD HURTS, it HURTS LIKE HELL all the time the ######6 agony I go through, the irrational thoughts it sucks.


Like I said before communication, get to know what she is thinking all the time, get her to tell you how she feels when she looks like she is starting to get bad.

The thoughts that go through a mind of a PPD person isn’t fun, they chain to one another and it ######6 sucks I can’t even describe.

I think, you have to make a choice. Do you love her enough to want to stay with her where you know the road will be hard. Many people who get married to PDD people eventually get divorced. Luckily I got a strong, loving, caring man who is as he puts it ‘in for the long haul’

I think the question you got to ask yourself right now, are you ready in for the long haul? Do not invest many time and effort into this relationship if its not going to work out, if your not ready to give it your all.

I hope you find some peace and time to think about these things. May the force be with you.

my husband-

I can't even do most of everything because of the ppd with my wife. Its that bad, but I love her and I am in for the long haul like I said. You gotta be prepared to just give things up that might seem completley absured, but its just what you have to do to help. Talk to her and find out what hurts her. Try to work those things out. Be supportive and understanding.

Thank you.

anytime

I know a fella with extreme paranoia, and I've heard him talk, and rant, and rave about people who we've both known for years. He'd refer to games, manipulation, how he was clever at catching manipulations--when none of these things were going on. You, sir, and not your girlfriend, sound exactly like my PPD friend. I suggest that you do some soul-searching, and not accuse your girlfriend of vague "games" and "manipulating" you to some bizarre and imaginary end.

some people can be like that but it doesn't really sound like its a game to her I think he's just having problems trying to understand her because dealing with paranoid people can be very confusing and frustraiting.

@Jeremy

I don't know if you are still following this thread, but I have some experiences to share.

I have been with the woman of my dreams for the last 19 years, married for the last 12 years and we have two beautiful sons. She has PPD and our marriage is a difficult one at times, but never dull!

The best thing that ever happened was the day that I realised what the problem was. She wasn't plain difficult, she wasn't scheming or coniving, out to argue at each turn. She is paranoid, and this affects her every waking moment. It affects the way she thinks, the way she acts and the way she interacts and communicates with people. It affects everything about our relationship. I no longer get annoyed or hurt by what she has said, but rather try and understand the angle she is coming from, seeing the situation "with her glasses on".

I was warned by a psychiatrist about 14 years ago to steer clear of her, but found that for one or another reason I just couldn't - It is called love. I love her dearly, and thank the Lord each day I can share my life with her in spite of how difficult it sometimes is.

She is currently using a SSRI and occasionally a mild antipsychotic, which thankfully for the most part keeps our lives on an even keel. Each week there is a new curve ball to contend with, worse when times are more stressful (moving, home renovations etc.).

I fear at times for the effect that the disease will have on my sons emotional development because they are not able to understand what I do about the way she sees life. The youngest is 5 months old, the older, 5 years old. I will need to deal with this as things develop.

Should you stay with her your girlfriend? Should you leave now while the going is good? These are very personal questions that you will need to answer truthfully with yourself. I stayed and don't regret it now (have had many moments, but I am referring to the bigger picture). Know that she will in all likelihood never change, and at best can learn to control the invasive thoughts and that her initial summing up of a situation may be wrong. I still find it very hard that after knowing her for 19 years and being with her through this, I need to get her to understand that I love her and will not leave. She still battles to accept this - hopefully one day she will.

I wish you all the best with your decision. God bless.