Dealing with Paranoids

I've dealt with a PPD who inserted herself into my life at a very young age for 40 years. She's 80 and I'm 42. I've been FREE for almost 6 months now after let's see - after her ruining my son's birthday, my having to call the police to get her to leave, harassing my mother who passed away in March, and threatening to have me arrested and to sue me. Nice. I am still amazed at how WONDERFUL it feels to not have to deal with her, try to impose boundaries, predict temper tantrums, and worry about unannounced visits, and hear about the latest lawsuit. To remember the dread and discomfort of each visit, the obligatory phone calls... FREEEEE!!!!! WHEEEEEEEE!!! I would NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER allow a toxic person like this in my life ever again. Ever. What a feeling to only have NORMAL (relatively speaking, of course) people I choose in my life. When she dies I will breathe a sigh of relief her twisted and toxic soul has left this realm. I'm still trying to make sense of the damage such long term exposure to a PPD has caused to me. So, yeah. What I've read here sounds like the straight up emotional abuse I had to deal with. And, yes, she has been violent in the past. If someone is seeking and help and knows they have a problem, that's great. But all this, "How can I tell PPD they are irrational, overdramatic, incorrect, hurtful and paranoid without, you know, UPSETTING them...?" is just b.s. Being an enabler and/or codependent won't help anyone. I say leave the slim potential for change right where it belongs -with a psych professional. Not that there's much of a chance of that happening. If you can, run far, run fast, and don't ever look back. And for God's sake, do whatever you need to to protect children from this damaging personality.

cherlyn wrote:I've dealt with a PPD who inserted herself into my life at a very young age for 40 years. She's 80 and I'm 42. I've been FREE for almost 6 months now after let's see - after her ruining my son's birthday, my having to call the police to get her to leave, harassing my mother who passed away in March, and threatening to have me arrested and to sue me. Nice. I am still amazed at how WONDERFUL it feels to not have to deal with her, try to impose boundaries, predict temper tantrums, and worry about unannounced visits, and hear about the latest lawsuit. To remember the dread and discomfort of each visit, the obligatory phone calls... FREEEEE!!!!! WHEEEEEEEE!!! I would NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER allow a toxic person like this in my life ever again. Ever. What a feeling to only have NORMAL (relatively speaking, of course) people I choose in my life. When she dies I will breathe a sigh of relief her twisted and toxic soul has left this realm. I'm still trying to make sense of the damage such long term exposure to a PPD has caused to me. So, yeah. What I've read here sounds like the straight up emotional abuse I had to deal with. And, yes, she has been violent in the past. If someone is seeking and help and knows they have a problem, that's great. But all this, "How can I tell PPD they are irrational, overdramatic, incorrect, hurtful and paranoid without, you know, UPSETTING them...?" is just b.s. Being an enabler and/or codependent won't help anyone. I say leave the slim potential for change right where it belongs -with a psych professional. Not that there's much of a chance of that happening. If you can, run far, run fast, and don't ever look back. And for God's sake, do whatever you need to to protect children from this damaging personality.

congratulations cherlyn. I would guess that in the early days you had no clue about this entire issue which is why she has been part of your life until now. How great that you see it more indepth and have set boundaries. I have just returned to live near relatives and in 2 yrs have observed a sibling who demonstrates this stuff. She thinks people are out to get her, problem is she ties it in with real life events she's been involved in and at first had us all thinking it was true. It is so hard to know when a person is dilusional and when there really might be something going on. I was very interested as I begin my research in what to do with this sibling, to read that you wrote "unannounced visits, harrassing your mother and tantrums". She arrives at my place no matter if I've told her to call first, she goes and bangs on my mom's door until she is let in and then swears at my mom and starts all her silly talk. I'm soooo sorry that I'm learning you can't do much about this type of person. Oh my!

-- Thu May 17, 2012 4:04 am --

dunnottar wrote:I also deal with a girlfreind who has i think PPD, im at my wits end.Shes says something happened in JAN of this past year that hurt her so bad that she quit hurting and has moved on and doesnt want me in her life anymore,shes always accuesing me of cheating on her when im sitting at home 98 percent of the time i dont talk to anybody i dont have a FB account because of her anymore,she claims i poisoned her with a drink one night and she still thinks up stuff like that i dont know what to tell you my friend how to cope with it its caused me to have panic attacks and i am currently taking wellbutrin and talking to a pys to help me with my damged heart:( the only thing ive found that helps me and its a negative is to drink i thought i had found my soulmate in this girl but ive been crushed by her and i know she prolly cant help it im in a lose lose situation if i didnt have my mom around i prolly would have just drunk myself to death i wish you the best of luck dealing with this its a hard road to go down i still love my girl but im pretty sure shes gone from my life:(

You will feel sadness from the breakup, but it is for your own good.

this is in response to cheryln's post: first, i'm glad you finally have some relief.it's true that being free of a ppd person makes life easier and less stressful. the only thing is...if it's your husband or wife, who you've promised to stand beside no matter what...it's very difficult to just walk away. you want to help. my husband has ppd and i keep thinking: what if it was me instead of him?would i want him to just walk away and give up on me? anyway, just sharing my thought. again, glad you don't have to deal with the craziness anymore. take care. thanks for your post.

Hi,

I have a serious problem with the ex of my girlfriend. They broke up a year ago but he does not accept this. He cannot accept that she is with another guy and he threatens to kill both her and her family. He also does not like me and he threatens also me and my family. What can I do to protect against him?

He has already caused a lot of troubles in my relationship and my family asks to break up with my girlfriend. From what I read on the internet, I think he has Paranoid Personality Disorder.

Please help me,
John

john.marley wrote:What can I do to protect against him?

Call the police. You can't reason against delusional rage.

My wife has PPD and although I love her dearly it is getting increasingly more difficult. PPD sufferers hurt their nearest and dearest but they are unaware of their behaviour in most cases as they constantly believe they are right. I cannot reason with my wife, all she does is bring up imaginary things from the past and as she doesn't listen to me, literally, any discussion becomes a lecture. It has to be one of the worst things for a partner to endure.

Not sure if other PPD's are like this but I put up "instant defense" when spoken to with judgemental words--- like "You're thinking is nonsense or "You're being ridicules"-- see those words "nonsense" and "ridicules" are judgemental words that put me in defense mode and alert me that the person that speaks them are against me. So, perhaps if you tried hard not to use any negative judging words.... the PPD person may not feel so much that you are against them. Words-- are VERY powerful--- again--- I'm not sure if others are like this.... but words carry a lot of weight in relationships for me. I just now wondered---- could that be something that PPD's have, a "sensitive focus" on words that most other people don't??

The words thing is quite hard for me because I put so little emphasis on actual words and pretty much everything on over all meaning, so for me this kind of thing means have to stop and literally think about how I think (possibly like a dyslexic trying to write a thesis.)

Its also more difficult to respond when problems like suspicion of someone being against a person are clearly there, but may not appear to tell the whole story and there are also other issues.

But read and considered.

Hi, replying to Cherlyn post at the top of this page. You have experience of PPD and I am genuinely pleased that you are free. You say that you would never get involved with anyone who had PPD again but how will you know in the early stages of a new relationship ?
When I met my wife and fell in love with her she was the most wonderful, caring and loving person I had ever met, we had great times together and there was so much love.
The PPD came later and I just thought it was PMT or lunar occurrences (yes they are factual but cannot be explained) bur gradually got worse with violent and over the top irrational behaviour. It was only when a counsellor we had been seeing told me in confidence that she Had PPD and I looked it up, that I had an explanation so in a way it was a relief to know that it wasn't all me but as I read more it is a very daunting prospect. I love her totally but she is not interested in me but quite happy to live in our house spending our money and being nice to me when she wants something done.
Fortunately I work away from home during the week and have even stayed away weekends of late as her outbursts are more frequent and more irrational.
Just saying beware !

Hi,
I am new to the entire site. I was diagnosed with PPD when I was 19 years old (I am now 57.) I went to three facilities in the course of 6 months. Due to my paranoia, I escaped and had to leave the state to escape the law and being committed into an institution.

I have worked very diligently on my disease for over 37 years to date. I thought I was doing well but once again I am/was about to ruin another marriage and my wife's "in house" separation from me caused me to look up the disease. Years ago there were no computers or internet, yet today there are which makes information so much more accessible. For this I am blessed and grateful. I've been married with her for 20 years and I want for her to have an even better experience being married to me as time goes on.

Although I thought I had cured my PPD, I had only overcome the psychosis which I also had been diagnosed with. It is obvious to me now that I still have PPD although I wasn't aware of it. When my wife's telling me things had to change (she said she felt as though she was walking on eggshells all the time, that I raged, and that I worried about things that I shouldn't, that I take things too personally and hold grudges, and the worst thing for me to hear....that I was so negative and had such a negative outlook on everything,) I finally stopped and reevaluated my self. Sure enough, I was driving away the very people I love and care about more than anyone or anything in the world.

Being PPD, of course I have always avoided professional therapy. I learned to cope and have three wonderful daughters aged 24-17. The oldest is in college and the youngest is in high school.

Although I was unaware of my offensive behavior (and I truly was, as hard as that may be to believe,) the symptoms were still present and I was (not on purpose) ruining my marriage.
Hard pill to swallow, so-to-speak.

This brief introduction was to assure you that I am and have lived with PPD for a long time. Even though I thought I was "over it," I now realize and readily accept the fact that PPD is a disease and like many diseases must be managed rather than cured. I sure would like to be cured, but I can manage it. I have no choice. And, I must have help and that involves trust....something that I give sparingly.

That said, if I may take a stab at answering the question of the original post and hopefully help others, I want to agree with what post #4, by MrParanoid, said. That is me to a "T."
I know others have different degrees and problems associated with PPD, but now that I know I have a disease (and that it isn't cured) I am able to understand what my wife sees. I am so sorry for causing her to feel that way about me. She's my wife, I want only the best for her. My changing is certainly worth it to me. If you really want to save your relationship with a PPD (and maybe this won't be valid for all cases) talk to them about it. I was ashamed of it when I was young, now I'm not. Rather than feeling weak, I now feel empowered. Empowered to know that I have a disease, that it is treatable, that it is not my fault, that I can live with and through it, and even joke about it. Talk to your PPD loved one and see if they are aware of having PPD. Let them know it is "work-through-able" and that you support them if they are brave enough to admit it and dedicated to success and happiness by first admission and then followed up by actions. Actions prove or disprove that a person is on the "right-track" or not. There may be relapses, but that can be expected with any disease. Are the "good times" worth it to you. Can you live with an occasional relapse (not something the PPD does on purpose, it's quite likely out of his/her control) provided that they are fewer and farther apart, and that they aren't as intense? Ask the PPD about "Triggers" that cause the PPD to go into a rage or unwarranted rant or behavior. Will you truly listen and make changes in your behavior so as to not Trigger and episode? My wife continues to trigger minor things that lead to my episodes by not avoiding those behaviors, and I'm talking "little things" like walking over and taking the remote and changing the volume, or channel when just simply asking me to adjust or change it. It feels to me, the PPD, that it is a "control" issue....a domineering behavior that she does. She may (does) have issues of her own, and being in control is something that is important (albeit overly) to her. I, the PPD, have to realize that she has issues too. That I don't need to make a big deal about it. I need to realize the freedom and well-being that I get by letting go and allowing her to feel free enough to do things like I just mentioned.

In closing, and I haven't offered much, other than to talk with the PPD. Identify Triggers. Modify your behavior by not Triggering, if it is a little thing, why not, if it is for the common good?! Your acknowledgement of his/her Triggers will be assuring to him/her. It may modify his feelings about those Triggers such that they no longer become Triggers for him/her. And that is a huge leap forward. As in my case, the PPD will feel like you care and respect his/her space.

Of course there are several-to-many (usually) more things to work on....start there.
Talk and identify Triggers
Modify behaviors regarding minor events that Trigger.
Allow the PPD to work on modifying his/her behavior to those Triggers, providing he/she will.

My intent was not to write a "book," lol. I just want to be clear.

Good luck and may God bless.

MrParanoia wrote:This thread...

It kind of invoked an emotional response in me, makes me think about the people my paranoia has affected. I've lost friends, alienated loved ones, and just been an all-around pain-in-the-ass. But what I'm trying to say is that people with PPD don't mean to cause problems or hurt people they love, and often we later regret things we do that alienate others.

Wow, thank you for that. I know it was not to me, but what you just said is something I only I wish my ex would say or even think. At least you acknowledge it is there. Some people never seem know it is. My ex would never be on this forum investigating his ways, because he would never believe he does this. I can't imagine him regretting it, because he doesn't know it's an issue. I can only wish he will someday think what you just said, even if only for his own benefit.