My problems here..

I looked up and did a bit of research on all of the anxiety disorders and I couldn’t find one specific one that I could classify myself.

My story begins in December. I was spending a bunch of time with a friend because of the Ottawa bus strike, we couldn’t get home unless our parents drove us essentially, and we spent a lot of the December’s break together too. I guess the symptoms of anxiety started. She would talk or someone else, and I couldn’t process all of what was being said then I become really confused and everything in the world becomes disjointed so I end up stating “stop” until I can hear silence again. It often startled people.

The symptoms got worse over time. I would go out to bars and clubs with people and I would get into embarrassing situations. Whenever I was left alone I would start to get afraid, afraid things were happening, again disjointed, worried, giddy, panicky, and depressed. Without a drop of alcohol in me it would even go to the point where I was crying in public places and I couldn’t figure out why. People did try and help and it did work, but singing children’s songs at gay bars’ karaoke is really embarrassing, though sill funny.

Lately it has been getting really bad. Grant you it’s never small situations sending me into panic attacks. The first real bad one was when the friend and I were having a real big argument, everything was on the table, and I was having mood swings, calm to angry to scared to everything. In the argument it came up this line that sent me into a panic attack. “It would be okay if you raped me, I would forgive you.” My morals, my beliefs, everything I stood for was questioned when that said and I couldn’t believe that she said that, and it sent me into a panic attack. I was crying like I’ve never cried before, I wanted to be alone but she was trying to comfort me, and I was pushing her away. I was covering my head and trying to make an understanding of what was said. It took me 5-10 minutes for me to calm down. I wrote a bit already about that fight in the rape and sexual assault forum… I got drugs for the panicking the day after that fight to be taken in case I felt one coming.

Then at work I was having a bad day. Civic centre… Throughout the day I was getting harassed by staff and volunteers, some of which I didn’t know, but because one staff said something everyone felt it alright to make fun of me. The reason I was being harassed was because I went out the night before and had some eye liner still on. Through this Chris, Andre and others continued to take shots at me threw out the day, such as you look like a girl, hey gay boy, queer, along with retarded and slow during the production and other things. Throughout the day they were using these words against me in a derogatory way.


This is how the panic attack happened. I went to the truck after finishing helping with carrying a camera. It’s near the end of the day. I was looking for work, so I started coiling cables at the truck. Chris said go help with the board mics, so I finished my cable and he comes back again. “I told you to go help with the board mics.” So I head to the red door where the Zambonis come from, and meet someone else who’s got 4 of the mics and all the cable. I ask him, are those all the board mics? He says, “I don’t know about the other side, but this side is done.” I see 2 other people on the other side of the rink so I go back to the truck to coil more cables. While coiling Chris came up to me again and said something around the lines of, “Well if you’re not going to help with that why don’t you do whatever you want.” I asked, “Excuse me, is there a problem?” “I asked you three times to go out and help and your standing around doing nothing, there are enough people helping out here.” “I went out there half of it has been done and the other half is already being dealt with.” “Fine whatever, if you want to sit around and do nothing go ahead.”
This is where things get bad for me. I feel a panic attack coming, so I go straight to my bag, scramble for a drink and pull my pills out. He comes next to me and says something along the lines of, “Standing out here isn’t going to do you any good.” I tell him I’m having a panic attack, leave me alone.” I’m visibly shaking trying to get my pills out and he’s standing over me and he says “Why you’re not doing anything, all I asked you was to help” And he was sending me further into the attack so I had to yell STOP until he left. I took my tranquilizer and drunk the drink and tried to cool down for the rest of the event. Rich later came to me and gave me the car keys so I could be alone.
Chris caused me to have a panic attack and then further provoked it. I let him know what was happening and he proceeded to continue to chew me out.
I will not be going to work for Rogers to because it is no longer a safe environment for me. Hostility and the feeling of being unwelcome have left a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t feel safe when the staff feels they are better people, or superior to me in any way. For this incident I am following up on it, and making sure proper action is being taken.

Another panic attack came at school. I was in the makeup room getting ready for a show. Someone was finishing up his model for the stage and I backed up because when he got up his knife came a bit too close for me. Jokingly and I know jokingly he says, what’s the problem, and starts swinging the knife across my eye line. Each time I said stop louder and louder until he finally did. I had my face covered and I was out of it crying so I lay down trying to calm down and get ready for the show.

I have had other panic attacks… to many but what can I do… I’m trying to fix it with, doctors psychologists, consolers and its taking too long is the feeling I’m having right now. Oh yeah, I’m major depressed if that helps the story at all. I’ve had differing symptoms every time, and I could pretty much check off every single one on the list at one point or another… Yeah… I don’t even know why I’m posting this anymore, I just felt… like it.

The things you should know about anxiety and panic is that no matter how awful the situation is when you are in it, it goes away.

I had severe panic attacks on buses, to the point where I'd have to get off the bus, I did exposure therapy to it, got on the bus, did coping methods well on it ,and then was ok. Still do not like buses but I at least conquered that fear.

Do you know what the cause of the panic attacks are, what the triggers are ?

Once you are able to find out the small triggers it's easier to deal with them.


As for the harassment of staff and volunteers go to your boss, don't let them get away with treating you that way...

I can understand that any negative comment to you like that that you may possibly perceive as a threat to cause you anxiety.


I've felt all that you are feeling... what helped me the most with it... and I've been dealing with anxiety since I was a child though I wasn't diagnosed with it until I was 16 (almost 29 now) was exposure therapy. Exposing myself to the situations that cause me great stress and trigger anxiety. Avoiding situations is the absolute wrong thing to do, even though you may find it extremely easy to do, obviously avoiding it makes the symptoms go away, but it's giving in to the fear, and it makes it 10X's worse.

Also, ask your psychologist about CBT, if you haven't started using that to help with the anxiety, then request it. It does amazing work to help. Your doctor will know what it is, and it's often used for anxiety, depression, ptsd etc etc.... It takes awhile for it to work, but it does...

Also, the only thing that I found that works for me while I'm close to becoming really anxious is acknowledging that the anxiety is there. Be aware of it, once I'm aware of it, and I know that I've felt this way before, it goes away almost instantly... Also positive self talk. Reminding myself that it's just anxiety, no matter how horrible I feel it goes away, it always does. I'll be ok, I'll be fine... I talk myself out of being anxious now, but this is also years of constantly using it.

Also another thing is writing out positive affirmations, things you can keep around the house, or with you when you go somewhere...


Things like: It's ok to feel anxious right now, this will go away. What's the worse that can happen? The worse that can happen is I'm very uncomfortable and afraid. But I'm ok, this will pass.


I remember when I was full of panic was when we were leaving home to go to Ottawa to visit the Bf's parent's, this was 8 yrs ago and it was the first time i'd be meeting the whole family at a big event. I was so scared. The drive was about 4 hours, it was extremely hot so the windows couldn't be down, and the A/C in the car gave me a headache which of course triggered the anxiety more for me. But once I was there it went away... no more anxiety and I was socializing....


It's important to know that no matter what the situation is, no matter how bad you feel, once you've reached your destination the anxiety & panic disappear. It always does.

I find too that anticipatory anxiety is the worse kind, you automatically assume the worse before doing something.


Have you gotten any self help books on anxiety and panic? If not there is a few I'd recommend to you.