I'm venitng a little

I wanted to get a few things off my chest. I hope I don't bore anyone to death. I am not looking for sympathy. I just need to get it out and hopefully give people some hope that it could be worse. Not saying my issues were worse than anyone else. Please be kind.

It all started when I was 4. I got bit in the face by a chow dog. I remember the purple tongue. It was quite frightening. I remember looking in the mirror and asking my mother if I was going to die. Oddly enough I was very quiet and calm about it. I personally don't remember feeling anything. To this day I am scared to get close to big dogs. Like a dummy, I worked in a vet hospital. I had anxiety nearly everyday. The job I had was at the office desk so I didn't have to work with them. I still left because I couldn't take the death of the pets. I have 10 stitches under my nose. They had to reconstruct my left side. Sadly, they had to put the dog to sleep. My mother sued the owner for 8k and by the time I was 18 it accrued up to 18k. So on my 18th birthday I got a really nice present. I didn't keep it though. Thats another story in itself.

At about 9 years old my great grandmother died. She was not my blood related great grandmother. She was related to the guy that my mother was dating at the time. We are fond of these people very much and even though they broke up, we still speak to this family. Back to the story.. This lady was a beautiful fun loving woman. I adored her. When my mother told me she died I was very upset. This was the first person I knew to pass. My mother asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral. TO me I didn't know what this meant so I said sure. When I got in there I noticed her laying in the coffin, still and cold. This frightened me. I started screaming hysterically for a good hour. I knew this was a post traumatic issue. To this day I shouldn't have gone at an early age. I used to be really interested in death, as strange as this may seem. I wanted to know everything there was to know about it. Then for some reason I was scared of it. I honestly don't know why. I think its the act of dying that I am more scared about. This is still a mystery to me. I will figure it out eventually..

When I was younger we also moved from one place to the other. We never stayed in one place for more than a year. I really hated this because I never had any stable friends. My mother is a pot head always have been always will be. My mother and my father split up when I was 3 and I never got to really meet him. I only have a picture of him when I was first born. He was about 25 years old. Then at about 12 or 13 I decided to write him a letter. Well, unfortunately I was visiting my cousin and he actually came by the house to see me. I was a good 30 minutes away. My mother didn't even ask him to come back or tell me he was there and to come home. I was crushed. After I came home from my cousins house I wrote him another letter telling him that I was sorry that I missed him and that I would love to see him again. Thats when I got THE letter that my mother opened and never let me see. It stated that I was not his daughter and that I should never write to them again. My mother told me that she didn't want me to see it because she knew that this would hurt me. To this day I have always had an issue with committing in any relationship. Its a trust issue. TO this day I have never met him or talked to him. I would like to! I'm scared to speak to him in regrets that I will either be mean to him or his wife will be there and I will have a few choice words to him. Apparently she was the reason why he was acting like this. Shes got him wrapped around her finger.

In regards to us moving everywhere, my mother met my brothers father. He was the worst man I have ever met. Better yet, calling him a man would be giving him kudos. He made my younger years a living hell. He was an alcoholic and liked to abuse women. When my mother was pregnant with my brother he would pull her by her hair and there was an incident where she was chasing him around with a lamp. Another time, he looked at me and her square in the eye and told us that when he was done his beer that he was going to kill us. That there was a knife in the kitchen that he was going to use. My mother ran us up in the attic and put the couch behind the door where he couldn't get to us. We screamed and yelled for a good 30 minutes "fire" "help" we got nothing. No one came. No one helped us. He finally settled down and sobered up. My mother STILL did not leave this man. I was so pissed at this point. I was only 9 years old. This was the same time when my great grandmother died. At one point I remember that he was trying to talk to me but I did not want to say anything to him. He lunged at me and punched my leg twice. The next day I had to tell the teachers that I fell. ( NEVER DO THIS!! Always try to get help) I was only 9 I had no idea what he was capable of. I was scared that he would kill my mother. She was the only family that I had besides my brother. To this day I am scared of loud noises. Especially if I get woken up in the middle of the night by it. My heart races non stop.

My real grandmother is a loon. Shes a freaking whack job. I wasn't even there at Hearshy park and she disowned me because my mother went on a ride instead of dropping everything and going into a pizza place. This is why we don't relate with the rest of my family. She disowned all the girls and not the boys. My aunt was disowned the same way. I have two black cousins a Pakistan cousin and a white cousin from her. She has been around... This has nothing to do with the color of there skin. Its just amazing how many people she had children with. Its amazingly gross.. Anyway, there were many times that I would catch my mother fist fighting my grandmother. My aunt would be beaten if she spread peanut butter wrong. This is the gods honest truth. I wouldn't make this crap up. My mother was in foster homes. My mother would be told *have I told you that I hated you today?* almost all the time. Shes been through a lot. I was so pissed that she would even put us through half the crap that we went through. Another man she was with named Randy actually hit her once or twice. I don't know the deal with that. She seemed to have a magnet for loosers. This guy had amazing parents. Even though they are not together anymore, I still call them my grandparents. TO this day I still talk to them. I will never leave them. My non related grandmother ( I call her nana) Has been there for me through thick and thin. Everything I ever went through positive has been with her. Well, at least with her. Her husband is another story.

When my mother was younger my real grandfather molested her. He later died from an alcohol induced heart attack. I never met him. My "nana" is married to a man that I thought was a good man. My mother came home one day to her crying. She told me that "poppy" made her go down on him. It was appalling and disgusting. I was so upset. Then a FLOOD of memories came back to me. I remember him trying to feel me up and trying to touch me. I wouldn't let him. At one point I was having a medical evaluation and they told her that I was molested. Right away they thought it was him. I don't know if my brain wont let me think about it or if it trys to block it. I think that there is more than "trying"

This is only the beginning of my issues. A lot of it is mainly my childhood past. Not everything was horrible. At age13 when my mother finally left Her husband we moved to MD and I had a really great teenage life. I went to the same middle school and High school till I finally graduated. I am the first one in my family to ever graduate high school. If I could forget about my childhood I would. The teenage years were better. If you got this far, thanks for reading. I will have a part two when I get the chance for it. After I spilled this out I actually feel tons better. I know that the anxiety comes from part of this. As well as the Panic disorder.

Hey! You've been through horrible stuff. I'm sorry those men treated you and your mom like that. She should have protected you and they had no right to do it. I'm sorry you and your mom were abused by your grandfather too. No one should ever have to go through something like that.
Of course your problems have to do with all this. It must have been difficult for you and your mom to be disowened by your grandmother as well. You're better off without her, really.
Maybe you can try to talk to your father and see how it goes. At least you will have done what you could, but don't push yourself. You have to think of your comfort first.
I'm sorry your great grandma died and it hurt you so much. I am afraid of death as well.
It makes sense that you'd be a bit freaked by dogs, considering what you went through. Animals dying breaks my heart too.
It helps to get things off your chest. Someone will be here to listen and talk when you need it.
How are things going with your kids?

Hey! Sorry it took a while to respond. The kids are great but my son is driving me bonkers. Hes in his whiney, pick me up 24/7, stage... Not really exciting.

Thanks for the positive feedback. I do appreciate it. Its been a harsh past for me but I am determined to make sure my little ones never have to go through that.

I have been scared of death since I was 14. That was my first panic attack. I have had them ever since. Sometimes I can go a good 2 years or more without them. Sometimes its everyday. I haven't had any panic attacks in 3 days! Some have been to little to really notice. I just try to keep my head up and know I will be ok. I'm trying to keep a good head on my shoulders and try to live my life to the fullest that I can. Thanks again hun.

You are welcome, Misvenus! Maybe all that's going on with your kids is stressing you now, but it won't always be this way. You've had good times too, and they will return. Enjoying life as much as you can is a great idea!