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is there a way to eras sycological pain (not feel anything)?

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is there a way to eras sycological pain (not feel anything)?

Postby hjasshj » Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:59 am

can drugs, therapy etc. make this happen?

i wrote a retarded title because i were not able to write more.
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Re: is there a way to eras sycological pain (not feel anything)?

Postby jasmin » Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:52 pm

Hi, hjasshj! Are you seeing a doctor? People here are not professionals so you might not find all the answers you're looking for.
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Re: is there a way to eras sycological pain (not feel anything)?

Postby DDDD » Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:06 am

What you are asking for is what I have often considered the Holy Grail. If only I could just make myself totally and utterly void of all pain and feelings, physical and mental, life might at least be tolerable. Ive even begged for shock treatments before with the hopes it would wipe the past pains from my mind. No takers though so I am still dealing with it. Maybe I should elaborate. Besides having an over abusive schizophrenic ( diagnosed) Mother who constantly not only told me I was useless, worthless and evil since my earliest memories to present day, she would beat me with everything from yard sticks to fireplace pokers, broke glass pitches over my head and more. She also thought it was hilarious to wake me every school morning for years and years by dumping a bowl of ice water on me while I slept, and laugh her ass off while doing it. If I started waking earlier to avoid it, she would just do it earlier before I woke. With almost everything she did to me, she quickly followed her abusive actions or words with crying fits and running off to lock herself in her bedroom and fall asleep. When she woke she would act like nothing happened and I was nuts. Of course my father just dealt with it by drinking a lot, avoiding it as much as possible. When he did have to get involved he was famous for telling my mother what she wanted to her, and then telling me what I wanted to hear. Nothing improved. Once I was old enough and moved away, she started to torture my father since she no longer had me to torment. It was only when I came to visit that she reverted and directed all her torment back towards me. The last 6 years now she has spent in a nursing home diagnosed with Alzheimer, wilting away and appears to not even knowing who I am anymore. I have to go there as my father can no longer drive and ask me to take him weekly to see her. The staff at the nursing think I am a horrible person as I do not show any loving emotions toward my mother, not a hug, kiss, love you , or anything. I go cause I have too. And I do not feel like I have to explain myself to people who have only known my mother since she has become just short of being a living vegetable. Even though I know she had mental problems and was not always in control of her actions, after so many years of abuse its just hard to even fathom forgiving much less liking her. Which I think I am ok with.

Over the years I did get better, but still had many problems with self esteem after having been told what a loser and how stupid I was for so many years. I had a good career even though I never finished my university degree. I married and had children. Now be in fate or self fulfilling prophecy, I ended up marrying a selfish and over controlling woman from Australia. Now before we married she was one person, after married the controlling factor started to come out, and later she told me she only married me to get to the US , so she could follow her obsession of hip hop gangsta black men, which they have none in Australia and her family would never approve of her doing this. Especially her controlling mother. But , before this was disclosed to me she forced me to leave my long time position with a government agency, great pay, great benefits and more, just so I could drive her around every weekend to parties that much younger acquaintances at work would have. She drank and smoked, and even though she had told me she didn’t before we married, and made a good show of it convincing me she didn’t, she really did. And boy did she. After she was pulled over once only to be let go as she still had her international drivers license and the officer didn’t want to deal with it, she insisted I had to drive her to these parties so she wouldn’t get a DUI. I don’t drink, smoke, or take illegal drugs. Then later when we had our 2 daughters, which upset her as well as I found out from her later that she only intended on being with me the required 2 years so she could keep her green card ( which is actually pink)
She threatened to leave me if I didn’t change jobs, and kept it up until I did. It was at that new job I later was injured by an accident with 3000 pounds of steel. I endured 10 surgeries, and was left disabled, to live in pain the rest of my life, and having only memories of what was once many everyday normal activities. Like walking pain free, running at all, and many other things I no longer can do. It was during these surgeries, or more exactly between them, My now X wanted to go out and party with her friends, which I was told was Our friends back then. So when not in hospital I would be home with our daughters while she went out. She would always promise to be back by 1am, or call if she changed her mind. And every time when I would try calling her at 2-3-4 and later in the am to see if she was ok, I would not be able to get through. So I would call one of her friends she was said to be out with , to be told she was in the bathroom or dancing or whatever, and they would have her call me back. A little while later she would call me back, usually from a place with little to no background noise, and bitch me out saying I was controlling, spying on her, no trusting her and more. Usually the next day she would sleep most of the time due to being hung over. At this time, she was in her mid 30’s, and acting like a teenager. There were some early mornings where she would come home clothes half on, so drunk I would have do whatever I could to help her into bed. Id put her in her night clothes, cover her up, and once when I gave her a loving kiss on her forehead , she vomited on me. The next day she thought it was the funniest thing and had to call all her friends to laugh about it.
But just a short time after I received my medical payment for being injured at work, meant to pay for my future medical care and any re-education I would need to try to find gainful employment again, she funneled most of the money into other accounts in Australia, then told me she never has liked me, hated my guts in fact, never meant to have children with me, and had been sleeping with black guys even before we married. She was leaving me, and was taking everything. She did too. Having no money to hire legal help with I did my best to fight her on my own. At first she didn’t want our children, but when I said I was glad she didn’t she then decided she was going to take them back the Australia. That is when I did whatever I could to fight her, and I kept her from taking my daughters away. They are the only reason I keep going as I love my daughters more than life itself. But in doing so, she did not move back to Australia. Or so she says. I think it had more to do with having to face her family head on, and that her coveted hip hop bad boys are not there. Since we have joint custody with our daughters now, and she actually occasionally tries to act like a mother, but she also uses any opportunity to make my life miserable as well as using our daughters as tools to hurt me . But it also hurts them which is not good at all. Ive often wanted to kill myself, but I know it would do 2 things I don’t want to do. Firstly, it would make my X wife ecstatic. Secondly, it would make my daughters very sad and hurt, and worse, I fear their mother would take out her anger of me, on them more than ever before because I am not around to do it to.

As you can imagine, with all this, I of course became very depressed and started slipping back into my lack of self esteem which my mother had instilled in me as a child, which snowballed into a bigger problem. Hence the wanting to die feelings. After seeking some help, which is hard to do here in the states when you have no real insurance or money beyond Social Security disability, which is next to nothing. Anyway, I finally decided to take out loans or whatever I had to , to go back to school myself. It was not easy as the pain and depression medication often makes retaining information and even studying hard to do, and my disabilities sometimes make me miss classes completely. I also tried to find gainful employment but the only time I did, I was kept employed just long enough for the corporations to get the gov. incentives for hiring a gimp, and the day after they got their payment, I was gone. I’m told this is very common practice with large corporations here in the US, and not much can be done as they have the legal staff and the lobbyist, and the money to ward off any legal actions. So I hit school hard and with great fury with the hopes that a uni degree would cause possible employers to overlook my disability some, and again be able to be self supporting and maybe even make my daughters and my own life a little better. It sucks eating Raman noodles and my daughters left overs so I have decent food for them. Anyway, I am in my last year of school and should soon have a degree in Biz admin, with a minor in marketing. I guess I will wait and see what that brings for my future career, if anything.
Its been very tough doing all of this. School, my daughters, my pain, my life, my past, my x wife, and then knowing that there will never be someone who will love me again, and no one I will be able to love again either. Having given up all hope, there has been one in the last 6 years that just inspired and captivated me, only one. But she is beautiful ,to me, healthy, intelligent, and even though a single with a daughter about the same age as mine, and we talk and get along great, has no interest in me beyond a casual friendship. I am ok with this though as I know that humans in general, will always either run away from, or run to a train wreck. A rare few will even want to help. But none will ever want to become part of a train wreck. I am the train wreck, and so goes the rest of my life. So I know once my daughters are grown and off on their own, my time is over as I will not have anyone meaningful in my life. No one to share the good times or the bad times, no one to love or to love me. And I don’t want just anyone. I am not needy or looking for just anyone to fill that void. It must be someone I want, I love and admire, and they must have the same feelings for me as well. And so, I think the odds of that happening are next to null. Women do not want anyone who is not whole, much less with self esteem or much confidence. That is, unless they are extremely wealthy , and that isn’t going to happen either. Nice guys do finish last, and disabled nice guys finish below last. And who wants to live their life like that?
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