Does my mother have ODD?

Hi there,

I have a mother who is very difficult, and a relative recently suggested she
might have ODD, with some ADHD. I've been reading up about it, because I'd
like to find some books or resources that would help me deal with her. I'm
not sure if she does have ODD, (or whatever the adult version of it is!)
and I was wondering, if anyone could give me their opinion.

Here are her behaviours:

*extremely controlling
*actively refuses to comply with majority's requests or consensus supported
rules
*sees the world in black and white - she is either 'winning' or 'losing' and
if she is losing she will put every ounce of energy into manipulating or
controlling another person until she feels she is 'winning'
*sees herself as a victim - blames other people for her problems.
*very low awareness of boundaries and low respect for other people's
autonomy.
*says she has not 'done one thing wrong' in her life
*creates chaos around her, although usually in a passive agressive way.
*sensitive to criticism, but seems unaware of how her behaviour affects
others
*bottles up her feelings and gets angry and feels threatened if other people
question her about her feelings.
*if confronted about her behaviour will explode - get angry, start crying,
then walk out of the room.
*extremely strong and dominant personality
*hyperactive, and has high energy levels
*anxious, and has some hoarding tendencies (to do with control, I think)
*easily frusrated and impatient
*fast and animated speech, jumps around from topic to topic in her speech
*extremely low insight into her own behaviour
*can act quite 'normal' to outsiders, apart from her hyperactivity. It is really just family who see the full range of her behaviours.

I would love to find out if my mother has an actual condition, because then
I could get some books on it and maybe get some more insight into her
behaviour and ideas on how to deal with it. Although, after writing that
description of her personality I think that maybe having as little contact
with her as possible is the only solution.

A variety of thoughts start with 'she sounds (very) difficult'

That you are aware of these features of her is a good start: it took me (59yo male) years to realise 'this is stuff they get up to' and it what defines who they are, not me / you. Emotionally I think its me, always did. Draw a big boundary there.

I spent a long time searching through labels, trawling through DSM4 criteria often to explain others and in the end myself. It may help you if she 'has xyz', but you know the symptoms if not the label and the label is just the symptoms, behaviours etc. There is a stack of interrelated characteristics that seem to populate a diverse set of labels / criteria so ADHD, OCD, ODD, Aspie, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD to name a few have similarities, and differences. I guess it helps to know the major features, perhaps but often only to get a handle on a dimension of human behaviour that is expressed in this or that condition.

One of the big arguments against DSM is that it boxes and therefore limits perception beyond the labels. It can help if there is a treatment that the person being classed wants otherwise its just Tree Spotting (ah, buxus argualotus, hand me the dymo...)

I also think a lot of 'normal' folk can be sub-clinical - often very successfully so, and all this stuff is like one of those Venn diagrams of overlappping circles rather than 'we are now in Belgium'.

I think spending your energy figuring out someone else is endless. Parents and children are a harder case because of the bio-link, the upbringing and the likelihood of some genetic association where your hook is my hook.

My father was a case in hand and he died. I felt grief and it surprised me and I think it was the loss of the attachment that came through the frustrations I felt about him. Attachment beats love & hate cos its all bundled there.

It took me a long time to learn the absolute maxim 'dont react' (yeah Aspie Rule eh?) when I was reacting internally, because once I did, I lost myself in the psycho-social cartoon 'fight' that just became a blur. Now that may be just me but life improved when I stopped reacting with my emotional 'quick fire' brain, and was able to note what happened to me instead.

So I think Id say spend more time on noting your reactions, your responses, your emotions. Make that your emotions, reactions, thoughts, more thoughts, responses and time off the subject. I think most of the answers are there.

Sorry if that reads like advice: its more of what worked for me. Not that there is ever an end point 'solution' beyond death : rather be an observer of and manage the exchange and flow of energies that are yours to manage... or distance yourself as you also consider

Wow, thank you SO much, that is really an amazing response because it all rings so true to me. I think, as you say, there is a big overlap between the conditions you listed (ADHD, ODD etc) and probably it's rare that someone just fits perfectly into one condition.

After I wrote the question a week ago I went looking for a book that might help me and ended up getting 'in sheep's clothing ' - a book about covert manipulation. The book pretty much described my mother and the author said exactly what you said - just being aware of how I'm being 'hooked' into reacting is really what is going to make the difference. Awareness of the psychological tricks other people use, and my emotions and reactions to them, is going to give me a bit of space, and a feeling of greater control over the situation. (As opposed to what is happening now, which is that I feel completely out of control, overwhelmed, angry and frustrated).

I've already applied this once this week, and I can see it's very helpful. So, thankyou SO much!!