Just need some support

Hi there,
I'm new to this site. I have two daughters one 12 and one 14. The younger, I think has ODD. If I had to say at what level, I would say she is a 4 out of 10. She doesn't listen, doesn't do what she is asked without a fight, and is verbally abusive. She will get in your face and just scream at you if she doesn't get her own way. I have taken all of her electronics away and have said to her that I will no longer do anything for her out of what is necessary ie: rides to school, rides to friends houses, money, electronics etc. I know she isn't as bad as a lot of kids with this afliction, however, I'm trying desparately to nip this in the bud as much as possible. I feel really bad for her. She does seem very remorsefull after the fact, but she just doesn't seem to get it. Treating people badly gets you bad treatment. I don't know what to do. Everytime she gets in my face, @!X$%^ I just want to clout her one. I'm finding it harder and harder to control my own anger with her. At school she does just fine. So far she seems to do well(straight A's and sports), but eventually this behaviour is going to start effecting her whole life. Even her sister is trying out the temper tantrums to see if it works for her. My husband is pretty good most of the time, but he will coddle them when they are under restrictions. He will log them onto the computer when they have been banned or give them money to do things with friends. I sware it's feels like a loosing battle. I guess my biggest question is this..how do you stay detached so as not to let this ruin who you are as a person? How do you not take this personally? And how do you keep your own anger and emotions from being effected by the turmoil? Any advice is so appreciated.
Candace

Hi Candace,

I think that a major part of this problem is your husband and how he approaches the issue. You mentioned how he sometimes gives them money when he is not supposed to - and how he logs them onto the computer. This is giving them mixed signals. It would be much better if you both formed a consensus/agreement on how to approach this issue. Otherwise, the children will not respect you and your commands because they know that they can rely on 'dad' to get what they want. If, however, they receive a firm 'no' from both of you, then they might be more willing to change their ways.

Also, in general, raising your voice is not productive. Using a rewards system, however, is positive. For example, if you do this (i.e. behave well), then you can have this or that (a treat).

Kevin

I agree. I know that when the girls were little I was always the bad guy and he was the permissive parent. I remember getting to the point where I just gave up. I would disapline them when it came to their behavoir towards me, but when it came to their Dad, I let him fend for himself. He really is a good Dad in most ways. But they treat him like crap and are disrespectful to him. I guess it was a mistake on my part to give up, but I just got so frustrated at always being the responsible one. At times back then I felt like a single parent. He has come along way from how it was, but the behavior is now cemented in them. Now it's feels like a lot of back tracking. As I said my oldest is more on the normal side of being the average teen(still hard to deal with at times), but it's the youngest I have so much trouble with. We have been trying different ways in dealing with her. We have gone to counsellors and tried multiple methods and will continue to do so. My biggest problem is with myself. I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with this. I feel at times like I will crack. I don't use physicall punishment, but there is a big part of me that says my parents would have clouted me for the comments, screaming, and bad behavior. And it would have worked and did work. My siblings and I new without a dought that if we tried acting like that...it would hurt! So we didn't. I don't want to go that route but I'm feeling that more and more I'm unable to cope with this. How do other parent with kids like this deal with it on a personal level? How do you not let it upset and anger you? I find I take it so personally. Any tips or advice?

Hey,

As much as I don't want to say that hitting a child is good, I do admit that one must be cruel to be kind, but this can be done within reason. Children - bless them - are born into this world with no great sense of what is right and wrong, and we must therefore teach them everything. From my own youth, I remember both my father and mother puttting up a firm stance on such issues. I could see that my mother had a lower level of tolerance than my father, but they ultimately had the same view/stance on situations, and therefore I felt that I could not do anything but comply. This is still what i believe you and your husband must do...

So, sit down with him, explain how all of this is affecting you, and try to get him to see that you both have to work together if your want your children (esp. the youngest) to grow up to also be a great parent. At the moment, your youngest will grow up feeling that she can get away with, for all intents and purposes, being mean and disrespectful. THis will just get her into much greater trouble in the long term unless she learns...

Kevin

Thanks Kevin,
I hear what you're saying and I agree totally. I do talk to my husband. He knows exactly how I feel. I think with my daughter, we will never completely get her "under control"..better yes, but never fully controlled. Given her personality I think we will always butt heads with her. As I've said my husband is pretty good, but has his weak moments with them. He knows I am frustrated when he gives in, but he is trying to do better. Given his personality I don't think he will ever be perfect at being a disiplinerian. As well, neither am I. We both are really trying. My real problem here is with myself. The situation with my daughter is what it is and we will always strive to do our best with her. However, I need some help with personally coping with this. How as a person do you take all this in stride? How do you not get caught up in her anger and have a nasty outburst yourself. It doesn't help the situation ever, but I just crack. I find that at times I feel so down and sad about her situation and I have to admit that I'm really starting to resent her for making me feel this way. It's like she is gaining control of my sanity. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but just after a blow out, that's how I feel. I don't want her bad behaviour to have that much control over me. So again how do you detach yourself enough not to let it effect your own personal life. Does that make sense?
I think if I could better cope with my own emotions it would help my daughter. She knows she can push my buttons and make me explode. I think she uses this as a way to say "Look, see mom, you are the one with the problem not me." In her eyes if she can get me to crack, then it justifies her behaviour. She's a smart little bugger! Sometimes I feel like she is winning this insane game of confrontation. I need to learn how not to play it with her. I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say, but I really appreciate the support.
Thanks
Candace

Hi again,

You are asking some difficult questions here ... ... In order to take all of this in your stride and not 'lose control' yourself, I believe that you have to devote thought to it. You already know that you becoming angry yourself is not positive. You have to remain level-headed throughout, no matter how much emotion/anger your daughter shows. When you are out walking, devote thought to it; when you are in the shower, devote thought to it; when you work, devote thought to it. The more you think about it, the more likely you will be to remain in control and not become angry yourself.

Also think about the long term benefits of this. Sure, in the short term, you're going to feel as if you are being cruel and mean, but ultimately it is for the better...

I think you are right. I guess I need to focus more attention on how to avoid getting to the boiling point. I'm thinking maybe it's time for me to get some counselling on anger management. These kinds of kids are very taxing. The longer it goes on the less patience I have. I guess the trick is to learn how to keep your cool so as to keep your mental strength up. It's going to be a long haul. I can't imagine how parents cope when their child has full blown ODD. Life is too short for this crap. What's really sad is to see a beautiful, smart, talented kid go through this. It breaks my heart to think that she is possibly on her way to destroying her life. That is what makes me not give up on her. Well, if you have any tips on how to emotionally deal with this please let me know. Otherwise, thanks again for the support. Just writing about it helps.
Have a great Christmas
Candace

Hey, no problem... you again mentioned 'keeping your cool' and anger issues. I hadn't realised that these are such a big part in all of this. I CAN relate though, because I used to always get irate/angry at everything. I shouted at my mother - even cursed at her - and I even cursed at a few unfortunate people in public who bothered me.

Nevertheless, i'm as gentle as a cuddly teddy bear these days and never lose my cool. Anger never features in my life because I know that it isn't productive. If I sense that anger is bubbling to the surface, then I step back, think about things, and then make my next move/decision...

Good luck my friend!
Kevin