how do you deal ?

I have child that has behavioral problems.
-Losing her temper
-Arguing with adults
-Actively defying requests and rules
-Speaking harshly, or unkind when upset
-Deliberately annoys other people
-Blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior
-easily annoyed
-easily angered, resentful, spiteful, or vindictive.
-Seeks revenge
-She's stimulant driven
-manipulates
-make stories up/tells half the truth (makes herself into the victim)
-steals,
-lies,
-and plays adults against other adults.
-wants attention during the wrong times
-developmentally delayed at an early age but now mainstreamed

She basis her self-esteem on material possessions and provokes confrontations for entertainment. She regards herself as an adult and "has" to be involved in adult conversations whether she's listening or contributing. She has called me her slave.

When I had tried to explain the bullet points on paper (list i made) to a therapist they accused me of abuse. How can a child who threatens me with -"you better buy me those $75 jeans or else" can be considered abused?

Therapist said she had a problem with my time-out. my child should not have her back to the wall and her hands outward as a form of punishment. Told the therapist that my daughter throws herself around and bangs and kicks the wall in time out and this is a way for her to focus and the purpose of time-out.

She's never outgrown the behavioral problems. I thought the terrible 2's came early when she was months old. She was even a difficult baby- always fussy, demanding, and crying all the time. I've been dealing with my daughter who is 12 years old by myself. Nobody wants to be around her. Friends don't want my child around theirs. She used to get kicked out of daycares. Her father was diagnosed as Disruptive Behavioral Disorder when he was younger. I was told it is now termed ODD.

She acts differently when she's around her peers (school) because she doesn't want to be left out or the kid nobody likes.

has anyone dealt with a Therapist that automatically accuses you of abuse right away?

IT has come to the point now when i run into aquaintences or my boss she immediately puts on a SAD face to pressure me into cheering her up ( "let's get ice cream-yeah "!!!)-putting me in an ackward situation where the other person will come out and ask what is wrong with her and then i have to give her something so she will get rid of the sad look. Sometimes she's hoping the person will feel sorry for her and give her something to cheer her up. Any way she takes advantage of meet-and-greets.

She was diagnosed as ODD/OCD by a previous Dr. but the new therapist didn't agree. I feel like I am the victim of abuse.

Wow. Sounds like you really do have your hands full. I've taken my daughter to a couple of different counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists, but never had one accuse me of "abuse". That really sounds dumb on their part, in my opinion. You need to find another therapist desperately.

My daughter has had problems for about a year and a half. She was diagnosed a little over a year ago with bipolar and depression. She's been in and out of facilities for the past year. On and off meds. She's currently supposed to be taking Trileptal, but refuses to take it. I almost think that, in some ways, she's better.

But - back to your daughter. It sounds to me like you really need to find another therapist, someone who specializes in children. Also, you need to find yourself a support group, such as NAMI, National Association for the Mentally Ill. I am a member of NAMI in my town, and they have been an absolute God-send - for their support and invaluable info. See if you can find such a support group, and they may know of some psychiatrists or therapists who work with children who would be a better "fit" for you and your daughter.

I hope and pray things get better. Please write back and let us know how things are going with you.

Carole

Sounds like you're in a tight spot. It can be really hard when the very person you are trying to get help from makes the situation worse by accusing you of abuse. A more supportive therapist would probably help.

You may also find the book "The Explosive Child" to be VERY helpful. It really helped me out with Emily. It presents a style of disipline which really seems to work with these kids. For Emily punishment just doesn't work...time-out is worthless (if I can get her to timeout) and often provokes her to rage even further...groundings stress her out...and no matter how many times I try it's just not going to help. They might help typical children but children with ODD, bipolar, ADHD, Asperger's ect. aren't "typical" kids.

Kids behave if they can...they are many differant skills a child needs to behave

~Emotional Regulation Skills
such as...
-Anger Control
-Stress Managment
-Anxiety Control
~Cognitive Skills
-Ability to manage transitions
-Ability to reason
-Ability to supress impulses
~Executive Functioning Skills
-Ability to organize
-Ability to plan
-Ability to manage Time
-Ability to focus
-Ability to persist
~Language Skills
-Ability to express self appropriatly
-Ability to recieve communications
~Problem Solving Skills
-Ability to think things through
-Ability to find effective solutions
And so on........

For whatever reason a lot of these children are unable to master these skills. For example a child with asperger's syndrome may not be able to handle transitions as well as would be liked or express his emotions which can lead to acting out. A child with OCD might find it difficult to supress impulses or control anxiety. A child with bipolar might find it difficult to manage emotions because of the manic highs and depressions....ect.

So what we must do is help our children to gain these skills WHILE still maintaining order in the houshold.

In the Explosive Child Dr. Greene gives 3 main "plans" which parents tend to use to deal with kids

Plan A- My way or the heighway.
This is when an adult imposes his/her will upon a child without taking into consideration the child's desires or just looking them over. For example a child may be afraid to sleep by himself in fear of the "boogy man." As an adult a parent knows this is nonsense however to the child the boogy man is a very real threat imagined or not. By saying "Listen there is no boogy man. I need you to sleep in your room alone tonight because i need to stay with the baby. Please do that for me." A parent is overlooking and minimizing the childs need....needless to say this often turns to a disaster for a behavior disordered child and his parents .

Plan B- All Right...
This is a bit differant it isn't exactly forcing your will be it isn't exactly compromising. This is how it goes...
A child refuses a request
-Ask "What's Up". Try to understand why. What is the child's concern.
Example: A child might say "I'm not doing this!" when asked to do the dishes. When asked what's up the child replies I dislike how the soap makes my hands.
-After you understand the child's concern think about it and reflect it. Stating it back to the kid Example "You don't like how the soap makes your hands feel"
-Next state something of empathy shwig that you care about the chi.d's concern
Example- "You don't like how the soap makes your hands feel" "That can hurt"
-Then state your concern
"The thing is that i wont be able to finish the chores on my own." NOTICE this is NOT stateing a command saying something like "But i need you to do the dishes" defeats your purpose
-Finally look for a solution to the problem. Be open to the child's feedback and let him think of the first solution by saying something like "Got any ideas?"

Plan B can really work.....it takes time, but it can make a world of difference.

Plan C As long as you shut up!
This is the plan parents use when they just give in and let the kid have what he wants. It stops the crying but it doesn't solve anything.

By using Plan B you also help the child to develop valuable problem solving skills which will serve him for the rest of his life

Still it's not a party...it's hard work. Here are some other stratagies I found helpful

-Recognize the differance between tantrums and rages. In a rage the child has lost control and may need some help regaining it however in a tantrum the child is attempting to manipulate. I've found that ignoring tantrums can help decrease them as after a while when the child realizes his plan to manipulate you isn't working he will stop however with rages the child may do anything.

-Durning a rage offering the child a safe place to go with a calming atmosphere can do wonders. Don't worry about rewarding the child's behavior rages are no fun for anyone and the child needs help to calm down.

-Warn the child before transitions such as before leaving for school, lunch, bedtime at least 15 minutes in advance. Many of these children have a lot of difficulty with changes in routine and these transitions can just spell disaster.

-Avoid high stimulation-enspecially sensory stimulation. Many children are set off by high stimuli enspecially like loud noices and bright lights. It can be hard to tell that this is what is setting the child off as very few realize it themselves.

-Make sure the child gets enough sleep. Sleep deprivation is a recipie for disaster. If a child is having difficulty with insomnia accomodations may be needed to allow the child a decent amount of sleep

-Don't raise your voice. Anger is contagious allowing the child to see that you're angry can in turn set him/her off. By staying calm you set the mood so that the child is more likely to stay calm

-Take Breaks. Parenting is hard work! Enspecially if your cvhild has a BD! It's important to take time to yourself...ask a relative to watch your child once in a while so that you can just have you time.

-Modle appropriate ways to deal with stress. In this way you indirectly encourage your child to participate in the techniques as well.

-Don't mind read. Most people become very upset when others try to guess their motivations. By saying "you just want attention" or "She's just trying to get what she wants" you may further anger your child and make it difficult for him/her to behave appropriatly.

-Don't use generalizations. Statements using words like all, never, always, are often inaccurate and set kids off. Instead of saying "You NEVER do as you're told" or "You ALWAYS are acting up" it may be better to say something like "I've noticed that you haven't been following directions as much lately...what's up."

Hope this helps. Remember it's a tough ride..,
~Jen