Our partner

At the end of myself with my ODD son. Help!

Oppositional Defiant Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

At the end of myself with my ODD son. Help!

Postby Jennifer615 » Sun Jan 11, 2015 4:53 am

Hi everyone, my 11 year old son has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He takes Strattera daily for this. I am divorced from his father, but he sees him twice a week, as I think it's important to keep the relationship strong. I also have a 7 year old, who is an absolute angel. he is the most loving kindest kid you'll meet.

Anyway, my 11yo can be a Jeckly and Hyde. When he's good he can be lovely, funny and even affectionate at times. However, once we have a disagreement, or I tell him to do something he doesn't want to or tell him he can't have/do something he wants, or he bullies his brother and I intervene, he is horrible! He will fight to the death to be right, and totally defy me. He is very intelligent, and often outwits me, even though I'm right. He is making his little brother's life a nightmare. He is always criticizing him, hurting him, bullying him and taking things off him. When he gets fired up, he is just a horrible person hell bent on hurting us. Me and my son have been in tears, and he's there laughing at us. However often later he will come and apologise, but that is often when he wants something.

I just don't know what to do. I feel that I'm a terrible mother, as I am not coping with him. I think the answer would be for him to move in with his father, and the youngest stay with me, and we share-care, but his father works strange shifts and cannot have him full-time. He is making my youngest's live a nightmare, and he doesn't deserve it. His paediatrist isn't much help, she just says to be strong with him, but that's no help when I'm worn down.

Anyway, any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.
Jennifer615
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 10:27 am
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 2:11 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: At the end of myself with my ODD son. Help!

Postby seabreezeblue » Tue Jan 13, 2015 7:31 pm

You're not a terrible mother.. simply an exhausted one.


Some children need a vastly different style of parenting to the majority of children and yours sounds like he's one of them.
My daughter is autistic and very much needs a different style of parenting as well..

I was exhausted, felt awful, felt worthless and that she'd be far better off living elsewhere at times..
this of course isn't true but it's the way i felt and i can see you feel the same way..

Your paediatrist is telling you the right (ish) thing to do but isn't giving you any ideas on how to do this..
you need to be strong in a different way with this child.. rather than just standing there and saying ''no''
you need some tools to help you be strong.
''Strong'' in this sense means making sure that you are being supported as well so that you aren't so exhausted or worn down that you feel so rough.

I can't say that life here is perfect but i can say that we've reduced the amount of meltdowns my daughter has and she's no longer hitting me or screaming all the time when i say she can't do something.

At the end of my tether and in tears, i asked my daughters psych for advice and I was asked to attend a parenting programme.
Resistant at first due to the belief that only ''bad parents need parenting classes'', I nonetheless thought ''whatever.. can't get any worse really'' and went along to it.

I was really really pleasantly surprised (after being mildly stunned by these people that appeared to be weird converts to some weird religion that i wasn't sure i wanted to be brainwashed into :wink: )

Please ask your childs psych doctor if a parenting programme called '' The NVR parenting programme'' is available to you and if it is then please do go along and go through the course.

I now sound like a weird convert but it really has changed so much about things here and my daughter genuinely told me she loved me last week (she's autistic.. once a week is amazing).

If the NVR course isn't available in your location then another parenting programme would likely be helpful but try and make sure that it's specifically tailored towards helping parents of children who have specific neurodevelopmental issues such as aspergers/autism/adhd..

I can't promise it will work for your child but a different way of parenting is often needed for a different kind of child.

xx
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
User avatar
seabreezeblue
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 5665
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:07 pm
Local time: Tue Mar 19, 2024 4:11 am
Blog: View Blog (26)

Re: At the end of myself with my ODD son. Help!

Postby Uniquely Challenged » Wed Mar 25, 2015 6:15 pm

Jennifer615 wrote:Hi everyone, my 11 year old son has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He takes Strattera daily for this. I am divorced from his father, but he sees him twice a week, as I think it's important to keep the relationship strong. I also have a 7 year old, who is an absolute angel. he is the most loving kindest kid you'll meet.

Anyway, my 11yo can be a Jeckly and Hyde. When he's good he can be lovely, funny and even affectionate at times. However, once we have a disagreement, or I tell him to do something he doesn't want to or tell him he can't have/do something he wants, or he bullies his brother and I intervene, he is horrible! He will fight to the death to be right, and totally defy me. He is very intelligent, and often outwits me, even though I'm right. He is making his little brother's life a nightmare. He is always criticizing him, hurting him, bullying him and taking things off him. When he gets fired up, he is just a horrible person hell bent on hurting us. Me and my son have been in tears, and he's there laughing at us. However often later he will come and apologise, but that is often when he wants something.

I just don't know what to do. I feel that I'm a terrible mother, as I am not coping with him. I think the answer would be for him to move in with his father, and the youngest stay with me, and we share-care, but his father works strange shifts and cannot have him full-time. He is making my youngest's live a nightmare, and he doesn't deserve it. His paediatrist isn't much help, she just says to be strong with him, but that's no help when I'm worn down.

Anyway, any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.


Your son sounds a lot like me when I was his age and older. All I can do here is share with you what worked for me and my perspective.

As a child I never felt in control, or safe and this was due to my parents divorce, my environment and a whole host of mental issues and stuff. Whenever I was told or instructed to do anything even simple tasks I shut down, became defiant and became a real behavior problem.

when an adult wasn't trying to be fake or bossy and I could see they were sincere and nice I was more open to them. For example if my mom told me to clean my room I would get upset and it would not get done. If she tried to use reverse psychology on me or try to be sweet or fake I would see through it and again no results. However if and when she was sincere and although I was a kid if she treated me like an adult or talked to me like I was without any condescension then there would be results.

Part of the bulling and taking things form his younger brother is also indicating (for me i see it) as control issues, the older boy doesn't seem to feel safety, security, or control of his life or environment and therefore his behavior is indicative of this.

His trying to hurt you is another indication he is trying to control you or the environment because he himself feels no control or a lose of power.

therefore my suggestion is you at least look or consider these might issues of control and fear he is having and address them.
Uniquely Challenged
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 4:48 pm
Local time: Mon Mar 18, 2024 10:11 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: At the end of myself with my ODD son. Help!

Postby ElectricFly » Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:53 pm

Jennifer615 wrote:When he gets fired up, he is just a horrible person hell bent on hurting us. Me and my son have been in tears, and he's there laughing at us. However often later he will come and apologise, but that is often when he wants something.


Please get an evaluation for yourself and some support. It sounds to me like you may very well have hidden issues, just like myself. I can be brought to tears easily as well as, in the heat of a sitaution, I can be outsmarted by even a child. It's because I have ADHD too. But I'm a woman so I was never obviously hyperactive, but I was more inattentive or absent-minded. I tend to be disorganized too and easily flustered. It's also so easy to feel that things are against me, or to take the most gloomy viewpoint because that's how I think. So I tend to wish for all parents who are having a child who either has behavioral problems, or maybe they do not have behavioral problems (inattentive types of ADHD are usually overlooked by the school system) but they are failing in some grades while getting decent grades in other areas....get an evaluation for yourself and your child. Parents, this is genetic and we can help our youth more by being willing to look at ourselves too!
ElectricFly
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:39 am
Local time: Mon Mar 18, 2024 8:11 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Oppositional Defiant Disorder Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests