MissRaven's Journal

MissRaven's Journal

Replies are welcome

I don't even know where i want to start... i got so much stuff i wanna post... Mostly my writings and my poems which i just started writing recently... I'd love to hear what you think of my writings some are super personal and some i just wrote because i was feeling blue... I wanna post about my many disorders and life experiences in hopes i find others that share my experiences and can relate or help me learn to cope with them... I am 29, no kids, engaged, and love my pug and sheltie dogs... I really have no friends, spend my days alone, and often sleep many many hours on end due to narcolepsy... I suffer from Bipolar or severe depression my doctors cant decide which one it is, i have borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive, adhd, severe social anxiety, a dissociative disorder of some sorts, i only have 1 kidney remaining and my doc says i can have kidney failure whenever it decides to quit could be 2, 5 10, or 20 years.. who knows.... i have sleep apnea and really bad narcolepsy... I am unable to work, go to school, socialize, or basically live a normal life... i kinda feel like a prisoner... i take several medications, a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, anti-anxiety, 2 antipsychotics, trazodone, kidney medications, allergy meds, stimulants... pills pills pills.... and i hate it... i feel like a zombie... i dont laugh anymore... never smile... i feel desensitized... but when i tried coming off some meds it was the worst idea i ever had... i fear im a lifer... i have one good friend ive never met that i text everyday named anne... shes awesome... she likes a few states away, ill prolly never get to meet her... we've only actually talked once... but she gets me... i prolly run up about 10,000 texts a month talking to her... its what keeps me going... everyone else i know has turned their backs on me for being to sad for them...

my dad died when i was 1, and i gained a verbally and sometimes physically abused person, i dont dare to even say stepdad, my mom never married him, he later became by "brothers dad" and thats what i call him aka doug... sexually abused by my female babysitter when i was 6... pressured into losing my virginity in the 8th grade by 4 high school juniors who when they were done threw me out the back door bleeding and crying... was made fun of my entire life and had no friends, mainly cause i grew up in a trailer park.... at 17 i got into ecstasy for 4 years straight non stop doing very massive amounts like 10 to 15 pills a night for 3 days straight... and was homeless those 4 years... got with my fiance in 2004 and my brain was massively screwed from the drugs and my serotonin just being abused that all these disorders got so terribly bad i couldnt function... got disabled... been living inside my house in misery and sadness for 7 years trying to be better, trying to get beyond my past... forgive my mother who never protected me... forget all that negativity that has been planted in my brain.... i just wanna move on... but seems to be im trapped...

i just wanna cry... im so confused how to feel right now... my mother that i have all these feelings of angst towards has told me some stories about her childhood and my beloved grandma that i cant look at things the same way anymore... i just found out my grandma is a terrible person... and shes being so hateful and mean to my mom right now that my mom is breaking apart and stirring up feelings she had moved past from her childhood... i always resented my mom for never protecting me from my brothers dad and never sticking up for me... and how could she just stay with him when all he did was beat her and put us down and occasionally put his hands on me or try to choke me... recently my grandma got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and had to move in with my uncle.... my mom has been cleaning out her house and selling all her furniture to make room for all the stuff my grandma wants to keep for when she is better... my mom has barely been working and is already very poor... my mom was gonna use her refrigerator but now my grandma doesnt want her to use it cause my grandma hates my brothers and thinks they will break it... so now my mom has no refrigerator at all and cant afford a new one... my mom has spent weeks cleaning my grandmas house but all she has done is complained and b***ted about everything.... my mom is convinced my grandma hates her... my grandma says i get her wedding ring and my uncle gets my grandpas wedding ring but never said my mom gets anything... so my mom asked for the engagement ring, which my grandma pawned... i honestly believe im the only one my grandma likes in my family but has been really crabby with me... if i cant drop everything shes mad... sometimes i cant drive cause of my narcolepsy, she throws a fit and makes me feel guilty, i told her i cant drive before 11am cause im too drowsy but she makes appts for 8am saying 11 am is too late... when she does nothing all day so im forced to drive very tired putting many people in danger... i feel extremely guilty and hate myself... i feel like a terrible person and if i would hurt anyone i couldnt live with myself... i often try to ignore her calls and force her to call my mom, which my mom has to take off work and drive her, then my mom and grandma are mad at me, thinking im lazy... but honestly if im way too drowsy to keep my eyes open i def shouldnt be driving a car everywhere... i need time to wake up from all my meds and let my stimulants try to work which they dont really help... im stressed beyond my breaking point, but i know shes sick and dont know how long she will be around... she did almost just die of mrsa, but shes so mean, bossy, rude, and ungrateful.... and the things my mother told me are just unbelievable... im going through so much, i just cant have her hurting my feelings making me feel bad, and putting me in dangerous situations... i mean i have no choice when her blood pressure is 60/45 and she needs to be seen asap... and im the only one... i just cant handle the responsibility... i dont want it either... i know shes my grandma and she has done a lot for me.. like put my car in her name, put my computer on her credit card for me to pay off, buys me clothes... i feel like i have to... she doesnt do anything for herself... she expects everyone to do everything for her... and never says thank you or appreciates it... ive never seen my mom fall apart like this... to feel like your mother hates you? what a terrible feeling.... ive felt like my mother didnt care and thats royally screwed me up, but ive never felt like my mom hated me... ive always kept in mind my mom might be stuck and cant get away... im confused... i feel like i cant have any anger towards my mom anymore cause she had such a terrible childhood and shes been suffering her whole life.... and i feel like the grandma i loved isnt who i thought she was.... im so so so against abuse... it angers me when i know of someone who has hit their girlfriend i freak and cant be around them... the hate i have towards my brothers dad is like nothing i ever have felt... now my grandma... is one of those people... i dunno if i can ever look her in the eyes.... im very disappointed.... i wish i woulda never known... but my mom was so upset she just started pouring out all this hurt to me for like an hour of the stuff my grandparents did to her... my mom doesnt believe in depression or medication... or any of all this stuff we talk about on this forum... shes the "get over it" type... but tonight it was so bad for her she said "maybe i need some of those pills like you take to make me feel better about all this sadness" now u know its bad when someone says that.... poor mom... shes suffered and struggled her whole life... i wish i could give her a good day for just once.... a life of abuse, child at 17, my dad dies a year later, abusive relationship until im 18, never married, never has gotten over my dad, brothers in and out of jail, no money ever, lives in a trailer park thats all run down, had her dog die that she cherished, feels like she'll be alone forever, sick all the time, brothers wont move out, help her clean, or help pay bills, she never has food to eat, has a grandbaby first one but doesnt know if its hers, and a mother that acts like she hates her... dad died last year... i could go on forever.... i dunno what to do to help her, help me, or anything... i feel helpless...

My whole life I have been hurt and haunted by this memory of being small, locked in this room, unable to leave, unable to go downstairs, I was really lonely, and when I was allowed to go downstairs was right before my mother came home...
Well me and my mom (who have had our issues) have been talking... and I didn't think she knew I was being locked in this attic when I was little cause I haven't told her hardly anything that has been done to me... so I begin to tell her this story and I finish it... and she says to me
"Raven I was right in the next room the whole time"
so im like what I don't remember u being there till you came home from work in the evening and me getting to go downstairs finally... she said
"Well judy (who was soon to be brothers grandma) would come home at 4pm and I would take you downstairs and try and help her with some stuff"
So here's what really happened... my mother was pregnant and was really really sick and was pretty much bed ridden... so the rooms upstairs were like attic rooms there were 2 she was in one and they made the other a play room... I wasn't allowed to leave because I was only 4 and the stairs going down were really narrow and very hard to walk down and I had already busted my head before... and I wasn't allowed to leave also because I would have my mom up and running everywhere and wanting her to play... she did say she would occasionally come in and play barbies with me... but I don't ever remember that... and I somehow thought judy coming home was my mother.... I mean the loneliness I felt wont go away and having no social skills wont go away, well it can but I mean it can still hurt... but
its something I can lay to rest... I do have a disorder where I have trouble telling fiction from reality... but I think this is just a mix up cause I was so small...
next place we moved to was in a tiny apt where I wasn't allowed to go outside and I desperately wanted to... I asked my mom about that... she said it was true and she felt so bad cause id cry and get my heart broken when id ask and couldn't she said the neighborhood was too dangerous...which I didn't know was the reason I couldn't go outside
told mom we need to talk about some of my memories, who knows I could be normal... well up to the ones I know im old enough to remember correctly...
I enjoy these past few days talking with my mom... have gotten to know her better... and feel a lil differently about her now... I can kinda feel compassion for her knowing she had it really bad and she's might be the way she is because of that... never had a dad growing up cause he died and always wanted to be closer to my mom and ne able to talk to her and I feel like I might ne on a starting path...

"the great take"

the day is drawn,
the night begins,
and i see the lights grow dim,

if there were angels,
she'd come from the sky,
softly spoken,
beauty in eyes,

she calms my soul,
she calms my heart,
just something about her,
keeps me from falling apart,

her words speak lullabies that wrestle amongst my pains,
soothing each negative thought until they go away,

she is like no other,
i have seen before,
a creature of nurture,
bearing her soul,

a secret that has been kept,
for me to finally find,
when the time was ready,
and i was no longer blind

she radiates like the sun,
in vivid colors so great
almost seems like shes a dream
i hope not to wake

oh shanna oh shanna
the depths you have gone,
my shadows dont haunt me here
im free from it all,

make yourself comfortable
you've made your place upon my sand
a spot for your toes
a place for your hands

my darkness is a terror
that haunts an evil sore
filling every crevice
till there just no more

it dines on the healthy parts,
devours all it can
takes away the passion
but to you i quickly ran

i ran to you for inspiration
the ideas of a new life
seeing one can be happy
i realize this will not suffice,

i promise a faith in me
that you can always have
that i will always stand by you
and if needed hold your hand

i will trust your words,
and hold you dear,
i will always try to be
the one that keeps you from crying a tear...


by raven




p.s. "such a being sent to me
must be an angel
so now i guess do i believe?"

warning: i do use the word f**k excessively... i was very angry...

its growing darker, i can hardly see... whatever it is, is coming after me... theres no where to run theres no where to hide its just me and my ###$ up mind... im being pulled against my will... they speak as if they know whats best for me.... they tell tales of my haunting memories.... here is a place that my skin begins to itch... i itch away becoming flesh and bleed it away.... little bits of me being torn off bit by bit... until theres nothing left of it.... i hold my ears and scream for help... but no one can hear me cause im all alone.... they'll feed on whatever suits them best... i am weak, i will not fight this fight.... peel my lids from off my eyes, to see the horrible being ive become... i shake down and i cry.... i see nothing anymore... i am bare broken and sore.... i do not feel laughter nor do i feel joy... its all just a weeping fantasy i left at the door.... pull my fingernails from their place... feed them to me to show me that theres life left in me.... but i wont notice anything.... i have become just a faded memory, lost and confused about why i staying here.... i close my eyes buy all i see is death... when i open my eyes all i see is sadness and fear.... there is no imagination theres nothing to make up... im a disease that will someday eat everybody up... i will feed on souls and torture those who stay.... making life miserable every god damn day.... i am a ruiner cant you see.... ######6 helpless piece of $#%^ thats wasting up taking up space needed for a better entity... eat my heart it will crumble like coal.... it is hollow and voided because ive lost and hurt so.... i try my best to be friendly and nice... but i have nothing to talk about because i know no other horrible life.... i cant ######6 talk about anything else? understand that? nothing!!!!!! all i know is this horrible piece of life i have... i dont leave or go anywhere... i do not laugh... i cry all the time... im desperately sad... i feel like $#%^ all the time.... if i am smiling im hiding tears... its just a front to make you shut the ###$ up... im dead inside dont you see? nothing else lives inside me? im wasting away my wretched life... wondering where ever the hell i went.... i do not see where i will come to be anything else.... i was meant for this not anything else.... im failure at everything i have done and tried... i feel cursed and despised.... take whats left of me and just throw it away... no one even has hope in me anyway..... im a lost cause that will never be well... justa burden to all and a nightmare to bare.... id apologize but it just wouldnt be fair... cause my sorries get me no where.... i wish they'd just ######6 take me just as i am... ######6 bury me 6 feet under and let me rot there... then all can be forgotten... then i wont hardly be missed.... i can stop overwheming everyone and be a torturous being...

if im still there deep inside.... come find a way out and make me smile.... take all this away and show me to forget... without all the drugs but i do not think you can....

I wrote a story about a poem my friend wrote... i had it published in my college english class, however i do not own a copy... I will make this attempt to rewrite the story... prolly wont be as good as the original but i will do my best... Enjoy...

Its day time... i'm contemplating my death... im alone and it would be my perfect time... i have nothing left in this life... i feel empty and cold and when i breathe my soul empties out a little bit more... My bones are brittle and skin is gray... hair is frail and im just not what i used to be. No one understands this hurt i feel... like a thousands nails piercing my heart letting it bleed out drips by drips while agonizing tears fall from my face, as if the pain alone isnt enough, i fear im such a disgrace. and just to let this old thumper fill right back up again while someone tears it to shreds before it can even beat again... where is my happiness i so deserve? i am not a terrible human being why am i being tortured? is it because im not the prettiest girl? is it because i am not the popular girl? maybe im suffering because i have no light in my life, but my lightbulbs seemed to be broken, and the light switch cant be found... i dig deep with my nails piercing my skin... just the feeling of it is so soothing... i release the pressure from all this anxiety... i know i would feel better if i could live my eternity... i doubt anyone would notice im gone... i wouldnt be in the paper, the news wouldnt show me at all... i would just disappear in to the shadows of my life... live with the haunting that i sacrificed my life for... im dead to the world... i wish i was queen just for today... my ending has come ive made my choice id be happier in the ground living with worms...

i grab my blade, my favorite scarf, i take a picture of my parents cause i wont get to say good bye... im cant believe im gonna do it as i walk my way to the bathroom... i slowly shut the door with such anticipation... to think death is beyond one more door... that i wont have to suffer my life not one second more... im getting sentimental thinking about what i might miss... but its nothing compared to the hell im currently living in... i see shadows of hate crawling through my head... anger of regret and fear of all that became... innocence that was lost at such a young age... i feel like every thing sacred has been ripped away from me... there is no one holding a hand for me to reach for... there is no voice on the otherside of the telephone... my cries and screams are left unheard... ive tried warning people but im being ignored... no wants me in their life, because i suffer and it brings them down... ive been abandoned left for dead... so ill just go through with it and make everyone happy instead...

i sit in a corner between the toilet and the bath... its black and white checkered tile so the blood should mop right up... i take my blade and with deep pressure i pull across... i cut as deep as possible almost losing function in my hands... i quickly grab the blade with my other hand and slice... i whimper out in pain, but oh this feels right... i close my eyes and lean my head back pretend the breeze is flowing through my hair... my wrist fall limp and are bleeding very fast... im in the moment my death is so peaceful... i quietly await till all my blood runs out...

The front door opens, i hear my mom say my name... oh no i do not want them to find me like this...
what have i done to myself? what will my parents think? i try to stand but i am too weak...

i shouldnt have done this its all a big mistake... i go to call for help my nothing comes out...
i hear footsteps close by the door.. i keep reaching for the handle but its slipery and my hands dont wanna work anymore... im losing blood quickly im fading in and out... i fall to the floor in pure regret hoping they will open that door... my breathing becomes slow... i feel i only have a few breaths left oh mommy oh mommy can you hear my thoughts open that door...

i hear the footsteps get closer the knob begins to turn, the door opens slowly my eyes shut and im gone...

where are you going?
and why?
did you lose someone?
yourself? how?
did you seem to lose your path and become lost?
will you do anything at any cost?
are you not yourself and confused?
have you been feeling rather blue?
has you innocence been taken and you wish for it back?
do you feel your entitled to happiness and havent gotten it yet?
do you wander hopelessly wishing for someone to point the right path?
i have something to tell you...


where the wretched wanders sleep, we are accustomed to suffering... we have no sympathy for the normals that show us that we should be fine, because not understanding makes them unkind... tear a hole, wear this will, you shall not battle this tale... we are the weepers that cry the nights, keep the moon from shadowing the night... sullen songs of fright we sing tolerating the less compassionate lovers we seek... hollowed out skulls of people walking by just curious to know how they function and why... desperately seeking help or a cure, pill after pill we swallow unsure, but disciplined at conscious "human beings" that we are wrong and dont need the medication we seek,, for it is in our brains this disease just made up you see... these beings are not human at all, but demons in disguise because they dont have hope at all... wear my shadow upon your heart, take the dark and fill your soul... tell me its a mind game when you shred to the floor begging me that you cant take any more... whistle blower stop your feeds... you dont know my suffering... until the day where the light is not there, you dont know where else to go from here, and when the days become the nights... and waking up becomes a disappointment.. when you fall to your knees ready to bleed, not knowing if the night will last... then tell me its all controllable if i just stop thinking about it... why dont you slave of cigarettes just stop filling the air with cancer and poisons? why cant the eyes of which you see stop blinking? Why cant a person with amyltropic lateral sclerosis (ALS) stop it from progressing? Its not the mind who wishes to play checkers... its the brain shutting down functions... why would we seek to be in such misery? these massive amounts of people crying constantly? cutting wrists and oding pills... because its a fun game to play with ourselves? we rather not be noticed we rather not share our disease, we dont want the attention and if we come out we are probably seeking help... but the normals turn us away when we are too sad and leave us behind... they dont want to learn us or even remotely try... when we cry out screams run to the clouds... stars cannot save us... aliens are just too far... seekers of madness that you dont think exists... you couldnt handle a day in the intense mind i live... the overwhelming thoughts the psychotic flares, the anxious feelings everywhere, the immense sadness overcoming you, the tears pouring from your eyes and you prolly dont even know why... hoping it would all end... or just hoping for 1 min just one min of peace... and you would give up 5 years of you precious life for just 5 min of peace from all that you feel and go through... wellness is drempt about in us weepers of sunken ships... we hope to float upon the water where the sun shines bright... but we are deep below where there is no sunlight... we will search and search, we will try the pills hoping for a cure, but you have no right to tell us that we are wrong... at least we are still showing some hope that not everything will go wrong... so followers of the unbroken path take me with you if you can, but i will not become one of you, because i will always have sympathy for the broken...

im still in here... can you send a search party? i know its been a long time, but i dont think im gone forever... i dont see a light, my cries arent being answered, everyone that has been here has left me abandoned... the fear is intense, i cannot tell whats real and whats not... my heart is breaking while my life falls apart... the stress is unbearable like a sword slicing me in halves... hooks picking me up by limbs stretching me beyond my means... i hate to say but i do not believe i can bear this much longer... my hope has been seared, filet like salmon... im going in circles ive been here before... they know my weaknesses, they know my soul... how can a heartbeat when it has nothing left to beat for... when all that you love becomes a stranger in your home... when you feel hated like no one cares... and when you need an ear to talk into theres nobody there... i saw a quote that made me sad because it was me. it said
"im in love and im lonely"

i need to find the fun me, the outgoing me, im in here hiding somewhere, just scared to come out so fearful of the hurt everyone has caused... im losing my love... my one and only love... i feel hes gone already but i cant give up hope, the tears just fall like a rushing river flows... tho he has promised hes mine, he acts like he doesnt want me here... ts been 7 years and oh how hes changed... used to be the most understanding person, now he doesnt give a damn... its like he forgot who i was over night and doesnt understand anymore... hes annoyed when i talk to him, gets annoyed when i ask him questions, always answers with i dont know i dont care.... i dont wanna be sick anymore...