LittleRedDog's Journal

Replies are welcome!

Thank you Jasmin for starting this journal.

I want to write an introduction, but I'm too nervous to do so. I have a hard time sharing details about myself, even online. I can't bring myself to post about my age, my name, or anything truly identifying. I guess I'll just write that I'm a young woman having a hard time, something that seems to exist in plenty around the world.

I have recently been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I've been in and out of counseling for years now. I've gone through neurologist's office and been diagnosed with several different disorders, both psychological and neurological. I can't help but go back to the first doctor who I saw about all this. She suggested that there was nothing psychsically wrong with me, but that everything was the result of flashbacks. That's still hard for me to think about.

The first memory that started this whole journey still haunts me although I think my reactions to it have lessened. Nothing about the memory is violent, sexual or even frightening, yet even just thinking about it makes my breathing quicken and my heart pick up its pace. I think there must be more to the memory, but I can't help but wonder if I'm looking to open Pandora's Box and therefore creating my own fears and memories. I suppose that might be truer with newer memories I've recovered in therapy, but this memory has always been there, and always been frightening, even before I had a counselor. I plan to talk about it this week with my counselor, maybe try to find some answers.

The memory:
I was in a cold classroom in the front row. I was the only student in the classroom and I remember the empty desks. I don't know if I was detained for recess or if it was something after school. There was a man standing in the front of the classroom near the board. I don't know him. I'm not sure this part of the memory is accurate since I didn't have my first male teacher until the fifth grade and I think this memory takes place before that. The man had a wooden stick he was using as a pointer and there were various grammar points written on the board. He may or may not have smacked the stick against the board.

I don't remember anything else and I don't know why that's terrifying.

I'll try again. I made a post, but the Internet ate it for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Anyway, thank you to Jasmin for starting this journal for me.

I'm going to try to keep a fairly regularly undated journal of my progress as it happens.

Right now, my biggest concern is flashbacks. My therapist and I seem to have opened a door and I can't shut it even a little bit. Flashbacks just keep coming, some of them of seemingly innocuous things, like grammar, some of them or more violent or frightneing. I purchased a book on PSTD yesterday in hopes that it will help. I read the first chapter and don't really have an opinion on it, but we'll see what happens.

Borderline personality disorder (2005) - later rescinded. Took Risperdal for a short period of time.
Depression (2004) - took Zoloft for several years.
Dysthymia (diagnosed multiple times)
Epilepsy (2005) - this might not be accurate. Took Tegretol (allergic). Keppra (severe side effects). Topamax (worked well for about five years - this stopped taking it).
Restless legs syndrome (2004) - took Mirapex for a long time, but it made me very nauseated and tired.

Current diagnoses:
Dissociative Identity Disorder - currently in therapy
PTSD - currently in therapy
Depression - see above
Dysthymia - see above.

Tried talking to my hubby about my seemingly innocuous memory last night to see what would happen. I asked him if I could tell him about it and if he would hold me while I did so. He agreed and we laid down in bed where he wrapped his arms around me and listened without interrupting. I was very uncomfortable and was laughing nervously the whole, but he just reassured me that things would be okay and that he wasn't going to judge me no matter how stupid I thought the memory was. I told him the memory and was terrified and he held me and told me that I didn't need to be scared and he loved me. It didn't make it any less difficult, but I'm glad he didn't laugh.

Yesterday was a bad day. Lots of pain. Based on reading I'm doing I'm starting to wonder if this pain is a somatic memory. As long as I can remember I've been getting this aching in my right leg and occasionally my left. Pills don't help nor have the doctors been able to discover a pain, but it's bad. If you've ever slammed your fingers in the drawer then you know what it's like except that it's from midshin to midthigh. Walking is impossible without a bad limp. Sitting hurts. There is no position that is okay. I'll mention it to my therapist and see what she thinks. Of course, she'll probably ask me why I'm limping, so even if I don't think about it.

I'm nervous to see my therapist today. She doesn't know how suicidal I was this week. I didn't want to call her, tell her and bother her. E told me that she wouldn't mind if I called her. She said that the therapist would prefer I bother her than kill myself, but I couldnt' bring myself to do it. I just don't feel like I'm worth her time. Thankfully, E gave me a good pep talk. E also wrote the therapist a letter explaining why I'm so upset, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to show her. Just the idea of talking to her about it makes me nausedated.

I think that nervousness comes from an old counselor who decided I was suicdal for no apparent reason. Looking back on that, I'm wondering if she spoke to C who generally is very suicidal. I remember we were talking about self-harm and how it was afecting me a lot more then than it is now. It shocked me she thought tha and it still does. I guess it would make sense if she spoke to C who probably would have talked about killing the body with extreme vehemence.

One of my coworkers asked me yesterday if I have multiple personalities. I could tell she was joking but couldn't answer because of how accurate the question was. I just told her I had to get back to work and laughed her off.

What a coward I am.

Well, the visit to see the counselor went all right. I talked to her about a few things but couldn't manage to bring up my suicidal ideations. I did tell that I have been self-harming lately and we talked about ways to deal with that. I also told her that I've been obsessing a bit in looking for signs of DID as one of my alters mentioned to me. She agreed that E is correct. We decided we're going to try hypnosis, but the idea still scares me very much. We did a mini-intro to hypnosis which was basically just guided imagery and I brought a scarf with me because I don't feel comfortable having my neck exposed and my eyes closed. It was interesting, I simultaneously felt very dizzy and felt further away, but it wasn't like I thought. I told her I'm not sure how deep I was able to get during the hypnosis because my heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it in my eyes. That alone made it very difficult to relax. However, the imagery I saw was pretty incredible. It surprised me how dark the room was comparatively. That pretty much ended the session. The doctor asked me to record memories as I have them because I feel like I've been remembering things but then forgetting them and that's plausibly why the past week has been so very difficult.

I continued with my self-care after the appointment. I've made a habit of going out to eat after each appointment. Usually I go somewhere cheap, but occasionally I'll spend a little bit more. Today I went for Chipotle and sat and read outside in the sunshine. It really helps me defuse a bit after counseling to do this.

Keep on keeping on.

In general, feeling a little better now. I have to be careful. I'm getting into the habit of eating just to eat. I have to remember that I need to wait until I'm hungry. Especially since lately I haven't been doing much in the way of exercise. I plan to exercise tonight and force myself to stick it out through the whole workout. Some of us are better than others with stamina, so I'll ask them to sit it out. They're not as interested in healthy living anyway.

One of my children has been talking a lot today. He wants me to remember things, but I can't seem to be able to do so. I suppose I ought to start carrying a paper with me at all times since the memories, or rather those wanting me to know their memories, don't always come at the most convenient time.

I hate being an alter! I never get to do fun things. Everyone hates me and I hate them too. All I ever get to do is sit inside and watch while E and Owly go to work. I've never even gotten to talk to the Therapist! Everyone else always gets to go first! It's not fair! Bet I could be a better host. Why can't I ever do fun things? I have to live with Owly's husband and they say I can't date anyone else. They say I can go to work if I want but I have to do the job if I go to work and I have to be nice to people. I've done work before and people are stupid. They deserve to be made fun of. It's not fun at all! Wish I could go to cooking school. That would be fun. Then I could go be like Anthony Bourdain and make even better food and go places. Or better yet, I could be like Cat Cora and have a girlfriend. I hate being stuck here. Owly and E told me I could make dinner tonight if I want to, but I wish I could snuff them out forever instead or make them sit in the background all the time. Then I'd quit their job and get on a plane and cook forever. It would be a great life. And this wouldn't be "LittleRedDog's" journal. It would be mine.

Had some unexpected switching this evening. I think E took over completely which is not very common. She and I are generally a good team together, but I was overwhelmed by something a friend said. It's a bit worrisome to me. The conversation wasn't a triggery topic, yet it managed to be triggering enough that I was completely gone in a matter of minutes.

Well, I didn't lose much time. Maybe 40 minutes at maximum, so I won't worry too much about it.