me myself and i's journal- comments welcome

im 49 yrs old and about 3mths ago was diagnosed with avpd and numerous overlapping accompaniments, and just so you know i didnt skip many but all to varying degrees, sorta puts a hole in that phrase the more the merrier, moving on my psychologist tells me its something ive been living with all my life this has been determined by what ive told dating back to my earliest childhood memories and experiences during several sessions with her, how i got to see her in the first place was out of a sense of urgency or something not really sure because i just came to the realization one day that something was beginning to go seriously wrong and alot of those intense emotions and self rationalizations and justifications and a myriad of other thoughts feeling etc etc your starting to get the picture i hope for doing something not doing something going somewhere not going somewhere getting something not getting something stopping not stopping starting not starting to name a few of that which encompass and envelope everything and everyone that ever may or may not cross my path were exploding to the fore like never before short version too by the way so now that im consciously aware of whats really been going on well not happy to say the least and because i was exhibiting a bit of this displeasure in front of a lady well then i beat my self up so to speak and now im at the other end of the scale anyway moving on again it goes along way to explaining alot of stuff and yes im still pretty angry with the whole thing cause every-time i try to fix one another moves the finish line or goes off in a completely different direction im self destructing my own recovery and that p's me off to no end i wish i could wake up and it was just a nightmare and everything was as it should be but alas no as im sure you know i cannot put into words how much of me has been so totally consumed by this abhorrent despicable fiend of a thing its a war on all fronts with myself, and why now do i find out that my whole life has been but a shadow of an existence with nearly everyone whom ive ever loved, and have apparently unbeknown to me loved me are gone lost forever because i made sure of that, i leave no stone unturned in my scrutiny and erasure of people and things from my life so thats just a tiny tiny peek through the widow that leads to my world i only hope one day others never have to endure such as i would not wish it upon my worst enemy had i not this thing its all still sinking in and worse still now i know

probably should have put my previous post in venting lol sry forgot to add that im male before not that it makes any real difference, its so disheartening at my age (no less for anyone else either i guess) to be finally aware and to look back over my life and see every tiny little bit of my life and events therein that have been corrupted by this and for all intents an purpose the rest of it as well but i guess at least now i can catch some things before its too late, be grateful for small mercies they say pfft sorry but i dont like to give all these things names cause something in my head refuses too simply because if i do i believe i give it power, or am i somehow trying to ignore the truth and hope it goes away i not so sure anymore could be just all those things trying to trick me again, so is there life after death i doubt it ive lived a life thats almost equivalent to it ive been resurrected in time to see my past but i dont feel alive i feel cheated, sometimes i wish i never knew at all ignorance is bliss

i had a light bulb moment today and decided in MY best interest to stop researching this thing to better understand it, put simply because this thing is leading me to believe that there may be even more wrong than that which has already been diagnosed and i refuse to feed this thing any more of me than it has already consumed, so because alot of its friends have not reached their full potential im gunna see which ones i can eradicate. sorry if you dont understand me or what im talking about but im doing this more for me than anything else just by doing this coming here is a kick in the shins to my new found adversaries

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I'm not sure I understand all of what you have said in your above posts but I think it is important to keep searching to understand where your problems lie. Once you can understand this, I think you can find it easier to work on these problems and improve your life. I think this website is a very helpful tool to start understanding yourself better and to gain insight into different ways of thinking that may improve your life.

I hope that you stick around here and that you find that this place has something to offer you.

i fully understand where my problems lie i find ongoing research of these problems leads me to another new problem and another and another that i know i dont have but im making myself think i do hence ive stopped anyway i dont know if im allowed to keep posting here or not and i dont really want to have to move i guess ill get told soon enough im thinking to my self about all the intricacies involved and trying to determine relevant strategies to apply, when it was said the meek shall inherit the earth im sure it meant they will be buried in it not own it, funny thing once my psychologist pointed all this out to me ( not the meek earth thing the other thing ) i could look at my self my past and i could see it and all its blow flies as plain as day so weird a bit of humour helps me along the way sometimes or when it suits me anyway seeing as how i aint got nuffin to lose im gunna conduct a test on meself if i can (no im not asking for permission)its an expressive can ;p because ive found that sometimes when the occasional convulsing crying bout is starting and b4 i fully lose me i draw on my anger and i can slow it and stop it and after a little while i have calm again I DONT recommend this to any one else for obvious reasons if i cant control the anger i draw on well were at the other end of the scale and who can stop that guy short of solitary confinement (worst case scenario) anyway back to the start if that works for me sometimes what other buddies reside in this things cave that i can use against each other or maybe manipulate i know one of its parasitic hanger-offers got a rude shock hehehe self imposed semi poverty and rationing of funds so that the survivor in me takes over from things mate who likes to waste my money but its sneaky and starts to try and bring more free junk home and thats where i try use another of there buddies to make it feel embarrassed so it stops lmao maybe im just trapped in my own self perpetuating delusion and none of the above is as it seems to me at all but i seem to believe it and it makes me feel like i did win a small battle and thats whats important to me

love,my heart crys out for it, yearns for it as far back as i can remember yet somehow it is what i fear the most it is what i believed has caused me the most hurt and loss along with those i have loved, so much so that i have not owned a bed for near on 20 years maybe more my thoughts on this back then were if i didnt have a bed id be less inclined to chat to the ladies not that i was ever any good at it anyway and even less inclined to bring one home if i did get that far and that lengthens the odds of me getting hurt again i have realized now that this is so not really helping me,i have lost count of the amount of similar things i have done to protect myself over the decades im comfortable where live now for the moment but i know when i start to feel not so or feel suffocated by it or the town im in ill take what i can as fast as i can and move to another anything that dont fit in the car gets left behind i dont generally own cupboards or wardrobes for the same reason and i move alot and im seeing that this is not very good for me either not to mention exhausting most of the few people i know never know where i live and i never entertain fewer have my phone number i have lots of little trinkets i put in a box and hardly ever look at them i will make people hate me and fear me if i feel they have wronged me so they will never come near me again and so i cant go back to them and i know now this too is not how i should be i go to visit a friend and drive past their house and go home again i have different little fantasies fo fill different voids in my life, voids ive created,i mimic things words actions of others ive learned and copied since way back when to aid me in situations that i find hard to cope with, cant be good either i stopped substance abuse and alcohol and gambling some years back still trying to figure that out anyway that was a good thing so thats a couple of more things about me, i think ill stop it will take longer then forever there is so much.

to the mod's if you have to move me to a more appropriate place thats ok because i may take up alot of space if i continue just let me know where you moved me too i would have mailed you personally but for some reason im extremely hesitant to do so, Im thinking if i put as much of it out there as i can it will help me some how deal with it all better and it does a little bit and with 4 decades and a bit i have alot of purging to do and who knows somewhere in my ramblings may be something useful to a psychologist or someone,stranger things have happened im testament to that

Yeah feel free to write all you need. I find writing helps sometimes too. I might see if I can move this to the Online Journals section. Your style of posting is very much like what might be found in that section. I hope that is ok...

Hi, Everything that goes through your head in recovery means something... if you feel like you're going round in circles, sometimes things don't seem clear... but what ive found a lot of the time is unless it helps you get through something, research almost always leads nowhere (as therapy), sometimes you can find useful information through it that can help you, but when you find issues, those issues are the things you need to look at to find the answers, sometimes disorders can try to hang on as hard as they can as you try to recover - you can always try to ask yourself questions like if there is there anything going in those circles that helps you avoid, or if there's anything you're afraid of.
...keep talking

ok np thanks salted lipstick thanks katana

I remember things in finite detail i can see near on my whole life laid out b4 me i play things back in my head like mini film clips seeing hearing feeling all that has transpired searching for deceit and betrayal ive always had near on perfect recall not much usually gets past me and even less is forgotten ive always felt this was a good thing still do but now for an entirely different reason, more so now but that wasnt the case when i was first diagnosed and did some background research on this thing and its parasitic mates, the days following were tumultuous to say the least everything that was hidden from my sight and alot of that which was suppressed by this thing were all becoming visible at an alarming rate the cocoon that hid this thing from my waking mind was ripping open along with all its secrets and that was its first mistake in 49 years, now i can see it and it cant hide from me anymore i have something tangible to fight whereas b4 i was oblivious to it and all that it encompasses.I now know that i can see it and feel it and that means to me i can beat it down,it may ebb and flow like the tide and be elusive but it too has instances of weakness or frailty and i will learn them and feed on them to make me stronger see how it likes getting eaten alive from the inside out.