Caturday's journal

Hi Caturday!

How are you doing?
I miss seeing you around here.
I hope you're well.

*hugs*

Evol

Yes, you are missed. Hope you were able to get into a program and get things more on track.

Peace be with you,
~Skimmer

Skimmer, Evol
Thank you guys so much. You have no idea how much it meant ot me that you guys dropped a line to let me know that you noticed I wasn't here. I have been having a bit of a hard time and it is nice to know that my presence was appreciated by someone.
John,
I hope you decided against leaving but I understand if you felt you needed to not be here posting anymore. I enjoyed corresponding with you either way.
_____________________________________________________

I feel like I have 10 million things to say and not the words to express them. It has been a hard few weeks while I await the interview with the program.

The sheer and absolute vacuum of any future is what it seems like. I know nothing of my future with any kind of reasonalbe certainty. I know that no one has certainty of their next day but most know where they will be living or at least a geographical idea of where they will be the next week.

I have felt so alone. I really have been more and more so by the day. My therapist has said that we don't need to open up anything right now because of all of the uncertainty as to how many more times we will see each other. So, with her it really is just kind of checking in and letting her know what if anything has developed with treatment and me moving.
Being where I am and the situation, I'm just kind of isolated by the fact that I'm in a little different life situation than the other people here. So, I pretty much live imprisoned in my room almost 24 hours a day with my computer. I mostly just stare at the screen. I can't tell anything, so I can't really talk to anyone about it. My therapist has kind of been reminding me in different ways that I need to be more careful about what I share with people I meet online. She is not the one who is sitting in all of this with nothing to do with it but sit with it.

It seems that the gulf between me and putting away some of the bad ick feelings from my time in that other country is just getting bigger and bigger. I'm not angry at the people who were involved in the bad stuff anymore. I have all of that for bitterness, anger and hatred reserved for me and the situation that I find myself in now.

I see the night that I left that flat for what I thought would be safety. That night ; grabbing my netbook and just enough clothes to fit in a small overnight bag. I had been told how I could leave for the bobby station while he was gone and escape from the hell I had been in. I was terrified but the fact of the matter uis ui U Nuc hoped that what I was being told was true; I didn't deserve to b e abused as I had been and my life was going to start looking up. Things have not gone as I so eagerly had hoped for. It seems that it is open season on my heart ever since I returned. I have lost a sibling in the midst of all of this. Everyone of the friends that I had before minus one have all found it easier to not even watch a video. If I had to leave that flat again this evening, and Know now what I did 't then-- I would not be dealing with this right now. I have regretted not staying put there and awaiting what was coming. If I was within 72 hours of dying(or so the docs guesstimated;
I should have stayed put where I was. I could take any thing like it for that short of a period of time.

Now I just sit and wait for the interview with the program. Really more by the day, I have no idea what I can do if that falls through or where I will go to stay. It seems that I will just turn into a big ball of nerves before I ever get there.

T-3 days and counting till we take the 20 hour train ride to go to the interview for the program. I'm so nervous. To be honest, I'm also really torn. I have felt so alone and useless lately that I have really just wanted to give up and go the route of my aunt and go to a place where no one knows me and be done with it . With this interview coming up, it is something I have to do-- something I committed to do. I don't go back on what I say I'm going to do. So, come Tuesday morning I will be on the train to go to this interview. There is a big part of me now though that really wants them to just say that I'm not accepted. Then they will confirm what many in my life are saying right now and have said many times before-- simply that I'm not worthy. I'm not worth their time.
This is what I feel in my heart and what I see in the actions of others that surround me.

I really wasn't wanting to be feeling this way so close to when I go to the interview. I actually slept last night for the first time in a while. I slept for a very long time( almost 14 hours). Sylvia said that her and Terri opened the door a few times to check my breathing because they were concerned at the unusual nature of me sleeping like that. They asked me at least 4 times if I had taken anything I wasn't supposed to in order to sleep that long. I think it had just been building up. I fell asleep in the restroom a couple of days ago. That had never happened before either.
I don't know how to feel or what to hope for anymore. I just want people to stop hurting me, to stop betraying my trust and to stop judging me for what others have done or done to me. I just feel like if I was a fraction as judgmental towards others as many are towards me, I would have carried a gun into some public place by now. Still, I'm subjected to the judgement of others. I'm ready to be finished with it.

Hi Caturday. I'm sorry to hear that as your situation comes to a head you find yourself emotionally unsettled. Decisions, changes, and resolutions are always tumultuous events. But from what little I know of you I think you must be a very strong person. Whatever you went through sounds like pure hell, and yet you survived. Now, in limbo, you find a way to comfort and be supportive of so many others, as if we have more right to our struggles than you.

I don't know any specifics of your situation but I am confident that you will find the strength to get through these final few days and the interview. Whatever the outcome, I truly hope it is best for you and allows you to start the next phase of your life. I know there are countless people around this forum who hope for the same and know you deserve that, having themselves received your kind, supportive, and insightful words.

Good luck, Caturday. My thoughts and prayers will be with you this week.

Cat~
I know things are rough right now. I've missed you around the forums. I hope things have started to work out for you. Sending you positive energy and support.

Peace be with you,
~Skimmer

knute, skimmer,

thank you so much for the kind words. as i have said before, it is certainly nice when someone notices my absence. i'm afraid it appears that my absence will be more permanent.

it is not because i did or didn't get into the program that i was trying to get in to but personal things that have come against me sort of regularly since joining. that is why your words mean so much to me.
i did btw, get into the program but i'm afraid i'm going to be unable to participate as i had hoped. they made it clear to me after i proved to them that i wasn't in some crisis mode and that i wasn't in such horrible shape that anyone who comes there is on probation for the first 8 weeks. during that time they are basically judging your fitness for the program and ability to do it. right now i just can't. i would not make it through the probationary period. i would then be hundreds of miles from home and in a big crisis and no where to turn.
with this program, you need to be of a certain level in order to do it. it is more about safety away from abusers and learning to live away from controlling situations than it is about fixing mental issues. they just don't have to resources to do that.

so, i am now left in a huge pickle of not really being able to in good faith lose everything i own to head to a program that right now i can't do, and also having no where to go. i was supposed to go stay somewhere today but after i tell my therapist that i can't go to the program, then i don't know that the sponsor money to pay the rent for the next week and a half is going to be there.

so, in a few hours it appears that i'm royally screwed. i just decided to take it now while i'm not 100s of miles from here and have nothing to my name. the other way, i would lose everything. i do hate life and living.

Oh Cat,
I don't know if you'll see this but I'm so sorry to hear that things are not as you need them to be. I wish you didn't hate life or living right now. You have been so supportive to so many, including me in the various forums. You seem to have such a good heart and gentle way... you will be missed by many. I hope if you do have to leave, that some day you come back.

I really hope life starts to take a better turn for you and your therapist or someone is able to point you to a program/place that will accept you and help you get yourself to a better place in life. You deserve some peace and happiness too.

Peace be with you,
~Skimmer

Cat, are you really gone??? =( I feel awful. I've been thinking about you for a few weeks now, but I've been neglecting several things on here since school started back up. I hope you're holding up, I miss talking to you. Best of luck friend. We're all here for you if you ever need us.

caturday girl...hm? i'm still here...where the heck are you? okok...not like we know each in any regard. but really really i do love your alias....

caturday...omg, such a ring to it.

and come back...people miss you!