Caturday's journal

Replies are welcome

I have been wanting to start a journal for a while now but have had some trepidation due to the fact that I'm extremely limited in what I can disclose.

Things have gotten so tense for me that I really need some kind of outlet. I am living in a situation where my options to do much of anything while I sit in limbo are severely limited. There is not really anyone to talk to. My therapist has said that we should be in "wrap up mode" and we have been working on bringing things to a close. Not exactly the time to be leaning on her. I am supposed to turn from family and everyone and the place that I am from in order to do the program and be safe. Right now I am just going crazy while in waiting; also with the thought of being in a whole new place where I know no one and have no one I can even call.

I'm told to not talk to anyone and not to say anything and to not go out much unless absolutely necessary. This is just no fun and it is a while till the 17th. I have made so many polyvore sets or pieces of artwork.

I have actually spent less time on the forums in the last week because I tend not to spend as much time when I am under a lot of stress. I feel that I would not be any good to anyone if I am a basket case. I would feel like a hypocrite to be trying to tell others to have hope when I feel hopeless. I can't give away what I don't have already.

I feel that I can't say anything about myself and I refuse to become some online other persona or whatever. It is tiring to carry what I have to, I really don't want to make up some new persona to keep up with and to internalize some fantasy world that would only be a lie. Lies are just so tiring-- whether they are mine or it is someone not being honest with me. So , I mostly post encouragement to others or videos.

Today I decided I would try this as a way to express myself without divulging too much information. I have learned to not put threads up so much if they are important to me. It is too much of a bummer if no one has anything to add. Here I can write with no expectations of responses because it is my journal and not a high traffic area in the least. I guess that is it for now.

hi caturday...hope you are finding some good avenues in which to direct your energy.

online persona's..hm. i have always had a strong perspective on that...yep. it was important to me that at least one person in the dialog was honest...and as i can only control what i do it was obvious was must be done...be truthful as possible. figured whatever communication transpiring would at least be half honest, ya know. of some value.

i have an idea of something that might be of use...maybe, i don't know. suppose i did what am to say in some regard, but not exactly. perhaps you could create a persona of someone you wish to talk with, maybe using yahoo messenger. create two accounts for yourself...one for you and one you could write stuff to. at least doing such a thing will allow you to say all your things without regard to personal info...hm. perhaps even some of the things you type into yahoo could be used in this journal...perhaps.

writing was the key for me...for sure. here is a cheer for good success with yours!

Hi Cat!!!

I'm glad you did decide to start a journal, I know that for me, having one has helped a lot. I'd like to say I understand that you can't go into detail about things......but well, I don't. I imagine the reason for that is something you shouldn't be talking about. I'll try my hardest to reign in my curiosity and not kill you with questions. However, I will try my best to be there for you as you've been for me and so many others here. You certainly deserve some support in everything you're going through.

hi john, thanks for your response. i'm glad to know that i'm not the only one who feels that you don't have to go on the net and become some totally fabricated thing that you only wish you were or that you think others want you to be. as far as doing the chat with myself-- hmm, not sure that i could do that. might be a bit weird, but thank you for the suggestion.

maddog! thank you for answering. i figured i could count on you my peep to come by and check out my grand opening .

oh mad, you have no idea how much i would love to be able to share more but i guess what my therapist is always telling me is correct-- it probably is wise to be cautious what i share-- particularly on the internet. my case especially, i have to be careful. i have been careless a time or two because of the need to feel connected with people and i have gotten burned.

anyway, on to the journal. still just in a holding pattern. this sucks beyond mention. i can't plan anything where i live or look for anything here, i can't plan on anything in the city where the program is because i have not been accepted yet. the program costs quite a lot of money(which i'm stressing about hugely) and they don't do the insurance because they are not like a treatment facility per say. i have to sign a contract agreeing that i'm responsible for the amount of the stay there; also part of the program is doing some sort of volunteer work. i thought i had that taken car of yesterday and was feeling like i had one thing to kind of rest upon. that fell through as quickly as it happened. it just seems that nothing with this can go well.

the fact that they are making me come for the interview is a huge disadvantage because of where i am has time limits on it and it looks like i may be in a bit of a pickle with having to be gone where i am before i even get to the interview. not to mention the expense of travel to the interview. i started out with the plan to take amtrak, which is not a fast way of going by no means but because of money and the probability that i will have to be paying for a move very shortly after the interview, i decided to go with them. after looking a second time at what i thought was the fares online i found that what i thought was the round trip fares were actually only one way. amtrak charges separately for each direction. so, it looks like i will have to take the bus. that will be really long(almost 24 hours) and cramped and smelly, but it cost almost exactly the same as one direction on amtrak.

oh well, as coach fox would say "it is what it is". i just wish it was coming faster so that i could get on with my life.

okok...not such a good idea on the yahoo as in all reality it is nothing but an isolated journal. for me, i was not chatting with myself. but as is it was sooo much of me writing, with only intermitent dialog, seemed that my recomendation could be of some value. and i mean, what would have i done if she was not my outlet for saying all my words? i would have found another means...and so what i say to you was my consideration on what it might have been. ...i do know the value of saying all what it is, how necessary it is...it is what i have done.

yeah...there is much to say on her but as this is your journal i will refrain. though, she was around and available for me through out the entire time span of my challenges. and yes we do still chat, though, i have no interest now in anything but dialog with her.

personally, what i face now...is not much of a psychological dilema. it is more of a, well, where are my significant people...why are they not coming to me. yeah yeah...i have my kids and even my xwife. but my kids are not here for me...i am here for them.

hope you get into your program as you wish.

Hey hun, just dropping in to see how you're holding up...... How's the interview/program and such going? I don't really know how to refer to it since I don't know what it is, lol, but you know what I mean

I hope you're doing well!

Cat- So sorry you are going through so much alone. Just want to support you in any way you need. You have been very supportive and helpful to me as I posted around here. As I don't know exactly what you are going through- you know I know the pain of feeling anxious, alone and trapped. It's a sucky place to be, especially when you have no one to turn to. Please know that there are people here that understand and are willing to listen ( or read ) and let you vent. We may have some helpful ideas, we may not. But, we care and want a good outcome for you. So, in some sense you are not alone.

I hope things are looking better for you, that you are able to get into your program and start moving forward in your "new" life. Trite, but when one door closes another door opens.....

I'm here if you need someone to lean on. I'll be checking in to see your progress.

~Skimmer

Hi Guys! Thank you for reading and responding .

John, I hope you get some peace and resolution on the issue with the lady that you were speaking about. Thanks again for taking time to read and respond. I hope you are having a good day.

Maddy, hi and thanks for asking. I have not made it to the interview yet. They had only two times that they could do get me in for the whole interview process. One was this past Tuesday and the other is May 17th. Since it was Friday of last week when he told me of the dates, I knew coming up with the money for train or plane tickets would be really hard in that amount of time. So, the 17th it is. I do appreciate you asking.

Skimmer, Thank you for the offer of support, I really do appreciate it. Right now I seem to be in this horrible holding pattern. Kind of trapped by the situation and no way to plan a single thing past 24 hours. The only thing that I know to compare it to is a time that I was stranded in an airport for an extended period of time and was absolutely miserable. Honestly, with the airport there were many many other people in my little hell with me and we all knew that we would be getting home after a small amount of time. This holding pattern that I find myself in has been going one far longer than anyone has ever spent in an airport.

Anyway, since my eyes are crossing I think that will be it for the night. I go to bed praying to God that tomorrow could bring some little answer or piece of clarity. I need SOMETHING that I can point to and say "ok that is taken care of", I know what that is-- animal, mineral or vegetable.

Right now it just seems that nothing is in order or settled. I don't deal the best with that. I have started an email to the director of the program twice where I planned on telling him that I was just going to forego the interview and not do the program. It isn't that I don't want to. I just want some clarity somewhere.

ya know caturday, perhaps you should talk to maddy about chatting with her using im (yahoo or something)..hm? maybe check with your therapist and see what she thinks.

dialog on yahoo type chat, with the right person, can be an absolutely amazing thing.

for me and this forum...think i have used up all its' value. i don't wish to repeat all my words again. i will not find anyone here to talk with that has much the same background as me. cool and ok...never really thought i would find anyone so i have no disappointment.

but you caturday, perhaps you and maddy talking in private on im will be good for you...maybe good for both. instant dialog is an amazing thing.

hey...good luck.