failedatlife's Journal (Replies Welcome)

Told my boss about the photo he took it well but I am still afraid of getting fired. Also I am afraid my parents will come tomorrow and find the house dirty and kick me out.

Lol I am still afraid of getting fired and I also am afraid that I will fall and break my arm and miss the Saturday bowling with my coworkers and that also it may have been the last shift today and I will die tomorrow or that I will do very bad and have bad results at work

I had set my social media accounts where I have acted openly gay to be deleted, then reverted it, and then set one to be deleted and the other to be temporarily deactivated and I am still so scared that I will get beaten, raped, murdered and exposed as gay to my relatives. Also I am feeling very sleepy and tired because of work but I am still afraid of the possibility of getting sepsis from my actually well disinfected and plastered cut.

I have the feeling that I might get explosive diarrhea and miss the bowling with my coworkers on Saturday.

I'm having the thoughts that I will start to do very bad at work l, my results will plummer and I will get fired lol

I'm still having the thoughts I might get fired because of a little cheating with the pauses and calls. Also I decided not to eliminate but just deactivate 2 of my "gay" social media accounts for a while and the third one is staying because it is quite innocent, the only thing is that I only have male followers. I do still have the feeling that I might be making a mistake going to my grandparents, because as soon as I get some free time I will go on a walk or to the cinema and that might be the last time I am doing this before I die of a fata encounter with the boys I wrote about earlier (they will also expose me as gay to my relatives). Also things at work are going good and I am afraid that something will happen and I would not do as well as I want this month in terms of results. I am getting pervasive "enlightenment prophecy" feeling that soon I will have my last Saturday shift at work this week or that my birthday next week would be the last one I will live through. Next weekend I am planning as well to visit my parents and I am scared that something will happen and I will lose control and kill my brother, not to mention I am starting to think that I really hate him, although there is not a reason to do so. Regarding work I feel there is also a possibility that I get fired because of bad quality of work or the situation with the photo. What do you think? Should I go to my grandparents? Should I keep the "gay" accounts or should I delete them? Am I going to die or kill my brother? I feel like such a mess right now.

I am getting still the thoughts that it might have been the last good day at work last Saturday and from now on I would do so bad I am getting fired, or that going to my grandparents next month would be a mistake, I am going to go for a walk or to the cinema there and not come back, getting beaten, raped, murdered and exposed as gay. Also not deleting my gay social media accounts and actually having one stoll active is gonna cost me my live, also I am thinking how I won't live to see Eurovision or going to a vacation abroad. Also how tomorrow would be the last day off from work and the last time I am getting a haircut.

I do really feel that these are going to be the last days in my life ever. I can't help but think how I am imagining some good things happening to me and then realising that these are just an illusion and a try to escape from the imminent - that in five days it's going to be my last birthday ever and in three weeks I am going to die because I just can't miss going to my grandparents.

I'm feeling so scared. First for my life, as things have been going more or less good in the last couple of weeks, but I feel that it's all coming to an end next week when I go to my grandparents. That means tomorrow I am having the last early shift at work, last Saturday I had the last productive day at work, in 3 days I am having my last birthday, I will never live to see my parents and brother past this date and their lives would be devastates by my death and the fact that my relatives will shun them for not disowning me as a gay after this is being exposed. That I won't have any Eurovisions, summers, nights on my terrace once we got rid of the pigeon infestation from the last 4 years - it's the end, I'm gone. And as I write it, I feel the "enlightenment prophecy feeling" that this would happen because I didn't write about it on time.
The other thing is very delusional, I must say, but I think I just predicted the end of the world (or at least, the democratic one). Around a week ago, while reading some articles about the possible outcome of the war in Ukraine, I had the "prophecy enlightenment feeling" that democracy will soon crumble and be replaced with barbaric dictatorships including my country. And today I learned two deeply concerning news - that Navalni has died in Russia, and that the Senate is not voting the military help they were supposed to send Ukraine and Israel. That means we're left to the mercy of Russia - and maybe Trump, once he wins and turns this to an even bigger mess. I am starting to think that maybe it's better to die at this point.

I am having a slightly sore throat because two nights ago I forgot to turn the heating on and I slept in a cold room and in two days it's my birthday. I am drinking tea and anti-cold drinks like crazy wish me luck so I would feel well on my birthday.