failedatlife's Journal (Replies Welcome)

Also I lied yesterday to a hiring company about a job I got fired from telling them I quit myself and they sent my CV to the company and I am afraid that they would sue me (but why it still gives me the "prophecy enlightenment" feeling I am going nuts at this point omg)

It's been days since I first had the thought that I might lose my mind in an argument and accidentally strangle my little brother and I just can't get it out of my head, it's almost like I want to do it and I don't know why. Also, when he calls me I feel inexplicable anger and hate that this happens and I don't really know if I want to feel it or not. Also, on Friday the job interview I wrote about didn't take place at all and I am again very afraid and starting to get convinced that I won't find any other job ever, or that I will find one and then get fired un a month or so for being actually not suitable for it.

On Saturday my parents are coming for a visit and they will spend the night here because my brother has a competition the next day and one of the heaters is not working. Right now I am calling a technician and I hope he will be able to come in the next two days so Dad doesn't suspect anything and evicts me but I am afraid that the technician won't be able to come and Dad will find out about the heater and evict me I am so scared.

It turns out my parents aren't coming on Saturday. But I still have the feeling something bad will happen in the coming days - whether it be me having problems with my current job or getting a new one, or Dad reprimanding me for the extortionate bill and then evicting me, or me not being able to pay the rest of the bill at once because the company would refuse for whatever reason, or me dying by either cholimg on food or having a heart attack, I just feel doomed.

I'm freaking scared once again because this morning I saw a video of a gay boy being raped and beaten in my town and I am afraid the boys that did it might get to me too (I am gay and I am quite open about it on social media)

I continue to have a streak of bad thoughts that I might kill my brother and I am starting to think I hate him. I easily get irritated when he calls me, or when I have to watch after him (he is 10) I contemplate letting him starve and don't have water (apparently I never do that though) and when I am looking out for him and trying to make him safe I think I am trying to preserve him so that I can kill him and that scares me a lot. He is actually lovely and would never hurt me in any way. Why I feel this way towards him?

failedatlife wrote:Why I feel this way towards him?

Because you're human, and we get to resenting people, even loved ones. Doesn't mean we hate them. Just that we're not perfect.

Look, if these are intrusive harm thoughts, just because people don't as often post in OCD about them, as they do about sexual fears, doesn't mean that harm intrusive thoughts are common as dirt.

Normies get the same kinds of thoughts you're talking about. They do, they really do, I know it doesn't sound right, but they do, I've read it, I've had Normies tell me that they do. And what do they do about them? Nothing. Because to them they're just silly thoughts. They're not us. They don't have anxiety disorders. They're not OCD They don't let those thoughts get under their skin, the way we can't help but do. One person's silly thought is another person's nightmare. Siblings are gonna be resentful at each other at times, I don't know any siblings that haven't at one time or another resented or fought with each other, and I mean literally fight. It's pretty human to get harm thoughts, but that's all they are, they're thoughts, they're just thoughts, and they can keep on staying just thoughts because you're not going to act on them. But see, your brain is going to come up with all sorts of reasons that you will act on them- they're all bogus, but your brain will try. Like protecting him just so you can personally kill him later. For me it would be things like I'll kill them in my sleep, or I'll black out, or something like that, something beyond my control. Except I've never done any of those things. And so I choose to not care if those things happen. They've never happened. I've had plenty of time for them to happen, and they haven't. I've had thoughts like your for literally decades, on and off, and nothing ever came of them. So I decided they're not going to. They can't make me do anything I don't want to. As for the excuses I mentioned, things my brain tries to tell me to get me all scared of myself, well, I've practiced ignoring it and practiced not caring about it enough, that when my brain tries- and just writing here about it has triggered my harm OCD thoughts- I can just ignore it and they go away. Right now, my brain is asking me just how do I know I won't kill my partner in my sleep. I stand on a knife-edge, and I can let my thinking go either way: I can choose to ruminate on that, and let it go back into the old obsession-compulsion loop; or I can just say screw it, I'll worry about it, when I've done it. And I have practiced doing the latter. That's all it takes, is practice, and a willingness to let whatever happens, happen. Which it's not going to happen, because it never has. I'm not writing this from prison. So if it's never happened, and it's not likely to happen, then I'm willing to let it happen because it's not going to happen. And only be willing to have whatever happen, can I free myself from worrying over something that as I've already established, isn't going to happen, because it never has and I have no reason to think it will, no matter what my brain screams at me. My OCD can pound sand, I refuse to take the bait.

Snaga wrote:

failedatlife wrote:Why I feel this way towards him?

Because you're human, and we get to resenting people, even loved ones. Doesn't mean we hate them. Just that we're not perfect.

Look, if these are intrusive harm thoughts, just because people don't as often post in OCD about them, as they do about sexual fears, doesn't mean that harm intrusive thoughts are common as dirt.

Normies get the same kinds of thoughts you're talking about. They do, they really do, I know it doesn't sound right, but they do, I've read it, I've had Normies tell me that they do. And what do they do about them? Nothing. Because to them they're just silly thoughts. They're not us. They don't have anxiety disorders. They're not OCD They don't let those thoughts get under their skin, the way we can't help but do. One person's silly thought is another person's nightmare. Siblings are gonna be resentful at each other at times, I don't know any siblings that haven't at one time or another resented or fought with each other, and I mean literally fight. It's pretty human to get harm thoughts, but that's all they are, they're thoughts, they're just thoughts, and they can keep on staying just thoughts because you're not going to act on them. But see, your brain is going to come up with all sorts of reasons that you will act on them- they're all bogus, but your brain will try. Like protecting him just so you can personally kill him later. For me it would be things like I'll kill them in my sleep, or I'll black out, or something like that, something beyond my control. Except I've never done any of those things. And so I choose to not care if those things happen. They've never happened. I've had plenty of time for them to happen, and they haven't. I've had thoughts like your for literally decades, on and off, and nothing ever came of them. So I decided they're not going to. They can't make me do anything I don't want to. As for the excuses I mentioned, things my brain tries to tell me to get me all scared of myself, well, I've practiced ignoring it and practiced not caring about it enough, that when my brain tries- and just writing here about it has triggered my harm OCD thoughts- I can just ignore it and they go away. Right now, my brain is asking me just how do I know I won't kill my partner in my sleep. I stand on a knife-edge, and I can let my thinking go either way: I can choose to ruminate on that, and let it go back into the old obsession-compulsion loop; or I can just say screw it, I'll worry about it, when I've done it. And I have practiced doing the latter. That's all it takes, is practice, and a willingness to let whatever happens, happen. Which it's not going to happen, because it never has. I'm not writing this from prison. So if it's never happened, and it's not likely to happen, then I'm willing to let it happen because it's not going to happen. And only be willing to have whatever happen, can I free myself from worrying over something that as I've already established, isn't going to happen, because it never has and I have no reason to think it will, no matter what my brain screams at me. My OCD can pound sand, I refuse to take the bait.

I get your point. But at times it feels like I want it to happen and it will make me happy to eliminate him. And this may sound jist lika a thought but I can't help but wonder what will happen if I do it. Maybe I am capable of killing him? Maybe that would bring me joy? Even right now, as I am writing this, I think: "Maybe I really hate him and I don't want him to live".
I am going in a couple of minutes to a karate competition where he is participating. And the only thing I can think about is that something bad may happen. I may lose control, kill him, and I wouldn't even be sad about it. I would be happy. And part of me tells me that I just need to let these thoughts control me. It makes me feel really uneasy.

failedatlife wrote:Maybe I am capable of killing him?

We're all capable. That's an OCD trap, to equate capable with desire. 'If I think it, and I can do it, I must want to do it'

Well, no. That's not true.

Just a silly thought here (no need to reply). Earlier I wrote that I am gay and I am exposing that a bit too much on my social media (following only men, nudes, sometimes DMing boys), but since I live in a rather homophobic country, I do get scared occasionally that something bad may happen to me. I wrote a couple of days ago about a beaten gay boy in my town. In another town, where my grandparents live, there are many boys from the same quarter that follow me on social media (sportsmen like wrestling and so on). Recently I am thinking that the next time I go to my grandparents, I might bump into some of these guys and they might beat me.