failedatlife's Journal (Replies Welcome)

Or that they (my parents) may come tomorrow and all that may happen.

I guess stress is taking its toll on me. Today is an anniversary - 1 year since I started working with my current company, and all I can think about is how something bad will happen, e.g. I might have a heart attack in the middle of the night.

I'm starting to lose my mind already. I told Dad about the broken AC and he is ok with repairing it, although I didn't tell him it is leaking in the neighbours. I'm scared that when he finds out how long I didn't tell him that he would evict me. Also I am going to return a credit I don't need, but I think I am making a mistake. I hope this is the right decision though.

I'm having another realisation right now. Five months ago I realised that I wouldn't be able to succeed at any other workplace other than my current job past the probation period. As I didn't say anything back then, as all my realisations, this turns to be a prophecy. I'm just not able to leave my job because I know I wouldn't last a day at another place and I know that I've finally found myy place in the world. There is just one glaring problem with that - I hate my job with passion. It just drains me mentally. I would like to try to be a real estate agent but I am afraid I won't be a good one and the prophecy would come true. Should I apply?

I just applied for real estate agent in an agency and I am afraid they won't call me wish me luck.

And even if they accept me I am afraid I won't be able to get to do the job well.

And that the prophecy would come true and I won't be able to do anything other than my current job and I am just so overwhelmed by the thoughts and I can't get them out of my head. I feel so bad to flood the journal with messages but I just need to let it out and it continues to come and make me feel like even if I say it it will still turn out to be true and I am actually completely useless as a person.

I may be losing my mind, but I feel I don't stand a chance to be called since two days ago I missed a call from another real estate agency and couldn't call them back.

Well today I am going to write about 4 things at once. First is I am having an interview for a job but I am very scared that I won't pass or even if I do I wouldn't actually be suitable for the job and fail miserably and get fired and that is going to happen in any other job I get. Second one is that I am afraid I am not gonna use Spanish in my job ever again, as I already have missed many chances in getting a job with this language. Third one is that in the middle of the month I am getting the second half of the heating bill and I am afraid the first time they didn't count the hot water in and I will end up having an extortionate bill like 1000 dollars or so. Also I am afraid that I might get fired from my current job even if I do well, as I do and I will become permanently unemployed and have no money and also I am afraid for some reason that I might get a tantrum and strangle my little brother to death.

Guess the last post didn't help me calm down as I am still very much afraid that I might go crazy and kill my brother by strangling. Also, since my bill hasn't come per post yet I am afraid that next time Dad comes to check the AC he may see it and question me intensely or maybe even evict me (and as I am writing that down it still gets me the "prophecy enlightenment" feeling that this will happen). And I am still scared that the next bill would be extortionate like thousands of dollars and Dad would find out and evict me. And today I am having an interview with a job that requires German and I am afraid that either I won't get the job or I will get it and turn out not to be suitable for it. Also I am afraid that such thing might happen at any other job I try to get, especially the situation of getting the job and then getting fired. Also I am scared that I will never be able to use Spanish at a job and will be either permanently unemployed or stuck with speaking Grman (and right now I still get the "prophecy enlightenment" feeling).