failedatlife's Journal (Replies Welcome)

Replies Welcome!

Hi,

I'm struggling with intrusive thoughts and that's why I decided to start this journal. Recently the thoughts have been associated with a big stupidity I did. I hadn't paid for my heating for the last 3 years. Two weeks ago a checker from the company came to measure the heating I had used and told me I will have to pay only for the last year. The amount would be very big, even if it's split in half (like 2000 dollars or so). I said that to my father (I live alone in an apartment of my parents') and he seemed to be supportive that no matter what, he won't evict me as long as I pay. I recently started to think though, that he didn't realise the amount of money I have to pay and I'm scared that once he sees the bill, he will throw me not only on the street, but also out of his live. I'm so angry at myself and I am scared that I might lose my family. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hi, it's me again.
The bill came and it is much lower than expected, which is good. The thing is my parents will come tomorrow to repair my couch and I am very scared that Dad will blurt out to the neighbours that I didn't pay the bills and they will sue me for stealing heating from them and Dad will evict me. Also tpday a technician is coming to change the reading devices with ones with a remote reading of the heating and I am scared that the neighbours might hear me and sue me nevertheless. Also the air conditioning and one of the radiators broke and I am scared that Dad will evict me for this. Also I won't have the time to tidy the house completely and they may find out the mess of old clothes and dirty linen I didn't have time to wash and will evict me amd I am generally very scared that they will evict me for whatever inconvenience. Sorry for being so confused but I'm scared af

Also because the bill was lower than expected I wrote to them asking if that's the real bill and I hope it is, because I am very scared it might be a mistake.

And I am also very scared that Dad will blurt out the change of devices to the neighbours and as they had theirs already changed, they may sue me for not paying the bills and stealing energy and Dad may sue me and evict me and not talk to me ever again.

Last thing I guess I said already is I am very scared that the neighbours will see and hear that the technician has been here and say that to Dad or that Dad will say to them about the new readers and they will tell him that they changed them a long time ago or he will either ask or be asked by someone about my not paying for so long.

Sorry if I'm getting annoying but the technician is coming in an hour and I am so freaking scared that the neighbours will find out or Dad will discuss the change with them and then Dad will cut ties with me and my life would be over.

Things got worse. The technician couldn't change the water reader because the faucet wasn't working and Dad will have to change it and he will have to talk with a neighbour to stop the hot water so he could change the faucet and I am very scared he will tell that I didn't pay and the neighbours would prosecute me for stealing heating energy.

I'm still very scared and I can't sleep. I am very much convinced an eviction is taking prediction me a because he will give production all kinds of reasons to throw me on the street. I still hope that he will never discuss the bills. I don't know what to do.

Everyone is going good so far, I'm still scared though that either my parents will find out about the mess I have in the closet or the broken AC or radiator, or the neighbours will find out about the bills and would sue me for stealing energy or that the low bill doesn't include the water I wasted and it is actually much higher or that my parents may die in a car crash on the way back home. I'm just so overwhelmed and scared I just have to vent out about it