OhItsThatGuyAgain - Journal (replies welcome)

Thought-forms once again show that they aren't quite satisfied with having me consume a relatively healthy breakfast (they'd previously made a big deal about having me eat breakfast and large, healthy meals in general; I very rarely ate breakfast when they first showed up); in fact, in the process of getting up to pick up my breakfast from the kitchen, dropping it back, and going to my bathroom--the physical activity alone has seemingly resulted in aggravating the thought-forms. The activity that I observe in moments such as these is disturbing for a number of reasons--mainly because they move and talk so quickly that they end up using multiple voices (that of men, women, and the little boy) which often tends to go hand-in-hand with their faces and bodies (for whatever reason; the little boy appears nude something like 95 to 99% of the time daily for several months and usually near my crotch). Unfortunately, increased physical activity tends to go hand-in-hand with sexual arousal regardless of my consumption of legal stimulants such as coffee (two cups this morning). Thought-forms like to use my consumption of such stimulants and its correlation to sexual arousal to justify using the little boy--even after taking into consideration that I'd only begun consuming legally-prescribed stimulants in 2015, legally-purchased over-the-counter stimulants in 2013, and only began consuming caffeinated beverages on a daily basis sometime in 2011 or 2012... they're basically disregarding that I already had a sex drive over a decade before I began to consume stimulants daily.

Thought-forms continue using the little boy. Not the first time--but, they've recently begun to mention the little boy often whenever I complain about hallucinations (in general). As soon as I say something to the effect of, "I thought you said that you would all be gone by nightfall?"; they've begun to respond with something like, "how dare you blame Jonathan Fuller."

Not sure whether or not I've mentioned this other part before, but I've already met with two witch doctors, a priest, and an exorcist, and paid up to $750 to $1,000 (if not more) throughout the late-2019 to early-2020 period. Needless to say; the thought-forms remained and the hallucinations worsened over the next three to four years. I suspect that meeting with anymore witch doctors, priests, and/or exorcists will only further prove to be waste of money.

I suppose that I may as well mention that before 2019... there were a few instances while walking outside in broad daylight and among large crowds of people in which I may have been experiencing auditory verbal hallucinations. Looking back on certain years (2011, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2018 stick out)... there were a few moments in which total strangers in public would say oddly specific things about me. At the time; I'd generally just brush it off and think to myself, "how rude of them," or, "I probably misheard them," and, "not like it matters anyway. I'd much rather not cause a scene." Thought-forms would claim in 2019 and 2020 that they're here exactly because of situations such as those (which they'd told me were not hallucinations) and based on the assumption that I'd find such situations so bothersome that I ended up over-reacting somehow (or resulted in other people over-reacting to the extent of having them call the police and/or security on me--which actually has happened a number of times).

One or two instances in 2018 also stick out--both here at home. One occurred as I was attempting to fall asleep sometime in July after smoking cannabis with a cousin. It was perhaps the ninth time in my life I'd smoked cannabis, but the first time I'd experienced what appeared to be an unusually vivid visual hallucination while fully awake and with eyes closed. It was of an early childhood memory (probably kindergarten, first, or second grade) in which I'd drawn one of those giant robots with tracks from the first two Terminator films.

Thought-forms have also confirmed enough to suggest that I've basically been dead for over a decade (perhaps as far back as when I dropped out of high school around April 25th, 2006... a few months before turning 18... or even as far back as fifth grade in 1999). A few other years tend to stick out when "choosing" (thought-forms have sometimes strongly insisted that I "choose" a year) which year I died in, and to assume with 100% certainty that my choice is correct... years such as 2009, 2011, 2015, 2017, 2018, and 2019 tend to stick out the most.

Thought-forms have repeatedly confirmed (even today) that, yes, I am indeed in Hell.

As to what that means for everyone else is hard to say. What these thought-forms suggested and confirmed in 2019 was that I was in a sort of "bubble universe" nested within a larger, "shared universe", and that my bubble universe always was and still is Hell. They've even repeatedly confirmed that I never actually died per se, but was literally born in Hell to be punished for mistakes that I would make later in life, and that I was stuck repeating this life for eternity. And that nothing I do would help me escape, not even suicide.

Thought-forms once again resume using the little boy's voice, face, and body on the basis that I (or them) supposedly did something to a female doctor whom I'd first met in 2021 and only met with her one more time that year and never again (the thought-forms were already present during that time). Over the next few months; I'd end up fantasizing about her while masturbating as I found her attractive and the thought-forms would seem to have taken this to mean that I was somehow telling them to do something to her. I have not seen that woman in over two years, and yet the thought-forms mention her and only her among the several other female and male doctors with whom I've met with working in that same building since then.

Over the next few minutes after writing out that last post; the thought-forms would go on to "justify" that sort of behavior with the little boy on the basis that they (the thought-forms--not me) had apparently done the same thing to some random cousin that I've never had any problems with. The thought-forms would then go on to namedrop that female redheaded doctor with whom I'd only met with twice in February of 2021 but would use only her forename and combine it with the surname of an unrelated woman whom I'd last spoken with roughly a decade and a half ago. Even after all that; they still insist on using the little boy *mod edit* and expect me to take them as seriously as one would take actual, professional mental health care providers. They laugh as I write this and ask, "so what?" (at least two or three times as I was writing this message).

Thought-forms continue to push for a sort of, "eternity in Hell," -type of narrative with their circular "logic". Their accusations go something like this:

Me: "Why are you here?"
Thought-forms: "Because of what you did to [insert my 2017 therapist's name here]."
Me: "Yes but I've already paid for that with something like $660, 8 hours of community labor, and year-long psychotherapy treatment."
Thought-forms: "Because what you were asking us to do to [insert the name of a nurse practitioner from the 2015/2016 period here]."
Me: "Errr but I already showed you that I never decapitated her. In fact, she seems to be alive and well with a husband and daughter and still employed at the exact same placed. She only threatened to place a restraining order, but never went through with it. Only the therapist did."
Thought-forms: "We're doing the same thing to [insert my 2014 therapist's name here]?"
Me: "But why?"
Thought-forms: "Because you asked us to."
Me: "I did not. When? Where? How?"
Thought-forms: "Solo por [insert random family member's name here]." (in reference to an incident from 2001)
Me: "I was like 12 years old."
Thought-forms: "Solo por [insert a different random family member's name here]." (in reference to an incident possibly from as far back as 1994)
Me: "You have got to be ######6 kidding me."
Thought-forms: "Solo por [insert a different random family member's name here]." (in reference to an incident possibly from 2015)
Me: "Yes but how did you know that I would do that several months in advance?"
Thought-forms: "Solo por [insert a different random family member's name here]." (in reference to an incident possibly from as far back as 1993)
Me: "How the hell would you know of something from that far back? You expect me to believe that you decided to spy on me way back in the 1990s and waited until the year 2019 to come forward but not bother arresting me even with all of that incriminating, computer forensics evidence you should have on me that you claimed to have gathered over the years as far back as in between the years of 2001 and 2006 especially in regards to all of those songs, movies, and computer games I've downloaded?"
Thought-forms: "Nobody is arresting anybody anymore."
Me: "What the hell does that even mean? I hear police cars and helicopters outside every day. I switch on the TV and I hear about someone getting arrested over a murder, rape, sexual assault, etc. pretty much daily."
Thought-forms: "Solo por [insert a different random family member's name here]."

Hell. Just now: the thought-forms continue to ridicule me, accuse me of having done the same thing to some random cousin I've never had problems with, and repeatedly tell me that "nobody gives a ###$" (among other non-sensical responses such as, "how dare you arrest yourself.")

Thought-forms have also begun to push some sort of narrative in which I've supposedly ruined multiple marriages (including that of my parents' who'd gotten divorced in early-2004 when I was 14 years old). They've confirmed that it'd been planned a few years ago to eventually convince me that my parents' divorce was my fault and that I was right in assuming that nobody would care.

Note to self:

My mother is becoming more annoyingly interruptive than usual and seems to go hand-in-hand with the thought-forms' annoyingly interruptive behaviors producing a buoyancy-like effect. They continue to disregard how I can recall my mother displaying such behaviors as recently as within the 2009 to 2015+2016 period (especially noticeable when other people are present) and pretend that this is something recently influenced by the thought-forms... also disregarding that they'd previously claimed to have been involved in my life as far back as 2016, 2015, and 1997. In many ways, their 1997 date seems eerily and disturbingly plausible, but I'd much rather not get into that just yet. It seems to coincide with the flyby/close-approach of the comet Hale-Bopp which really piqued my interest in UFOs and the paranormal. My life as it was from that time forward may come back to haunt me as thought-forms continue to suggest at the idea of having me regress to a child-like state like a senile, demented old man (more so than I already am, anyway).

I've also begun to notice increasingly hostile and unreasonable behaviors among certain users of certain unrelated communities within which I've had a presence in longer than the amount of time in which I attended compulsory schooling.

Thought-forms continue to disregard that both my father and brother found my mother to be so troublesome to be around with that they both ended up moving apart over the course of less than one year (from around September of 2003 to April of 2004). Thought-forms seem to be using this to justify that I (and perhaps my mother as well) am responsible for my parents' divorce and my brother's departure. Thought-forms continue to push for the idea that the only person in the world to have a problem with my mother is me and that I'm basically expected to play the role of her parent (thought-forms had previously made Oedipus references especially in 2019). Thought-forms had also told me that I'd actually killed my mother with a sledgehammer in 2019 (complete with a visualization of the incident).